Changing Rhythm

I know it's been a long time.

2009-07-28T00:10:00.000-07:00

It's time for the next phase in the Rhythm Change. We would love if you would follow the next part of our journey HERE.

In Stone

2008-11-19T23:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes an image is perfect. When I saw this statue, on an abandoned building in Sacramento, I realized that I am not alone. Times are tough right now in the World. There is very little good news going around and it has me down. I have watched many people I know and love suffer recently. Some financially, some physically, but overwhelmingly...emotionally.

It is in times like this that greatness finds opportunity, because the greatest things start as the smallest gestures. I have spent a lot of time in the car in the past few days. I drive a lot. I have noticed a drastic increase in the number of homeless and poor near my work in the past few months. I work in a very well-to-do area of Northern California. It's the kind of place that has perfect lawns and two cars in every driveway. So, it is a bit odd to see men digging through the trash at the gas station.

Tonight, I saw something even more disturbing. I saw a man pull into a gas station, in a Mercedes. He got out of the car dressed business casual. His clothes were in good shape and he was well groomed. He opened his trunk and pulled out a trash bag which he proceeded to fill with bottles and cans from the trash. Every few seconds, he would look over his shoulder to see who was watching. I was across the street so I escaped his view. Which is worse: that he needs money, or that he is afraid someone will find out that he needs money?

Often I feel like the statue; alone, broken, in angst. How much better would our lives be if we just shared our troubles with others? Why don't we? Why not share our burdens? Why should we stick ourselves in stone?

Who needs your help today?

Time and Space

2008-10-20T06:58:00.000-07:00

Carolyn and I escaped for the weekend. It was the first time we have had a weekend without kids since Wyatt was born, 7 years ago. We needed it.
A few months ago, we heard that our church would be hosting a marriage retreat. We both knew it was an impossible dream so we let the announcement slide in one ear and out the other, but a few days later, Carolyn's mom suggested we go. Then, she offered to watch our three children during the trip. Carolyn didn't hesitate for a second. So last Friday we dropped off the girls and left instructions for Grandma to pick up Wyatt from the bus stop and we headed off to beautiful Lake Tahoe.

We stopped in a small gold town on the way (Placerville) and had a nice quiet lunch at a place that didn't serve Mac-N-Cheese or french fries. Then we strolled through a half dozen antique shops and used book stores before finishing the drive through a breathtaking pass and into Lake Tahoe.

The events of the weekend are ours, but, the experience and lessons learned are crucial to our journey, so I'll share them. We had time, unhurried time. We had space, unlimited space. The combination of time and space has synergistic power bordering on magic. We spent the time laughing, dreaming, loving each other. We enjoyed the space with our eyes and ears, we felt the wind in our face and the cool water on our feet and hands. We sat, unhurried for an hour on the shore watching the weather and a few birds and drank in the precious gift of nature that God has given us.

I know that many of our friends do not believe in God, which I respect. But, I (personally) cannot accept that there is not some creative being behind the beauty of the place we saw. I refuse to believe it was an accident. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe ignorance is bliss. But either way, I think there is a lesson in this. And, since I believe God is behind the curtain hoping that we (human beings) would see how wonderfully He/She loves us, the lesson has eternal value.

We need time. We need space. We have had neither in a very long time and our marriage, our kids, and our souls have paid dearly for the lack of both. This life we live is really very short and there is a lot to do, but, what is any of it worth if we don't stop once in a while and simply enjoy? I often get so busy doing that I stop living. When that happens I can fall into deep depression in a heartbeat. I need time. I need space. But this is doubly important with Carolyn and I. Our relationship suffers when we don't have time and space together. In turn, our kids suffer. Everyone around us suffers a little as well.

Simplicity finds its fulfillment in the wise use of time and space. A simple life is an open life, a life of freedom. What have you done lately to find time and space?

Used is better because...

2008-09-15T07:24:00.001-07:00

We live in the sticks. Last year, we had a week without power. It was an adventure for the first 48 hours or so. When our food began to spoil, the novelty wore off. Carolyn, has been gently persuading me (threatening me might be a little strong) to get a generator for the coming winter.
If you have never purchased a generator, brace yourself. There is a lot of jargon. I had to pull out a book from my days as an electrician to figure out what half the ads were talking about. Once I figured out what we would need, I almost had a stroke. I didn't have any idea how expensive these things were. So I began my search, for a used generator.
I found an ad on craig's list for exactly what I needed and for less than half the cost of a new unit. On top of that, I met a very interesting man who was in a similar place in life. We chatted for half an hour and shared quite a few laughs. I'll take that kind of interaction over a verbal bout with a salesperson any day.
I see a lot of people spend a lot of money on good things. But, often they could have done so much better by checking out the classified ads in their local paper; visiting a local library and looking at the community bulletin board; or visiting sites like Craig's List, Freecycle, or eBay.
There is a lot of waste in this world. I don't think anyone would disagree with that. Buying used is simply another way to reduce that waste. Every little bit helps.
What are some ways that you have found to buy used? Better yet, what have you found that helps you to get what you need while making the least impact on the planet, your budget, and your soul? I came up with this list. For the next few weeks, I'll be musing about it here.

Top Ten Reasons Why Used is Better Than New

10.) Money gets to people who need it quickly
9.) Less consumeristic
8.) Great deals, often with added perks
7.) Good excuse to drive to parts of the country/state/city you wouldn't otherwise visit
6.) You meet people that share or have shared common needs and desires (look for an upcoming post on this one)
5.) So much less expensive
4.) Forces you to explore your needs versus your wants
3.) Less tempting to pay on credit
2.) No pushy salespeople
1.) Less waste

Ah Simplicity...

2008-08-31T21:28:00.000-07:00

Today was a blessed day. We have been moving for an eternity; at least, it seems that way. Even before the move, life was hectic. But this weekend, we were free...finally. This weekend, we had no plans, no obligations, not pressing needs; nothing. What a wonderful feeling. We made a family breakfast on Saturday morning (I haven't seen my children during breakfast in at least two months). We strolled around a local farmer's market. We ate a good lunch, together. We worked on a jig-saw puzzle as a family. We watched a movie on the couch, together.
Today, my mother-in-law took the kids for a few hours and Carolyn and I escaped to Starbucks for an unhurried time with hot coffee, good books, and glorious quiet. We came home worked in the garden for an hour or so, then finished the day rocking together on the front porch. I cannot remember a day when I felt so complete, so relaxed, so right.
It amazes me--on days like today--that I can let things wrap me so tightly. That I can allow myself to get so busy that I overlook the amazing things around me. Why do I allow myself to get so caught up in the pace of this world, when its most savory experience exists unhurried simplicity?

A whole new world...

2008-07-30T11:56:00.000-07:00

No...not a post about Disney songs; although, life has felt a little like a fairytale lately.

We have moved. We still live in the same town, but a little further up the hill. It's a little weird to explain everything that has happened in the past month, so I'll sum it up simply. We had the opportunity of a lifetime, so we took it.

We have spent so much time over the past few years downsizing and simplifying, but we seemed to have hit a wall. If you have followed our journey for any length of time, I'm sure you noticed our struggle. We found out, that there is a point where downsizing becomes an obsession very similar to consumerism. This seems to happen whenever we become too dogmatic about a singular lifestyle or worldview. When we begin to believe that the way we are heading is the only way...the road gets a lot more dangerous. We had outgrown our small home.

We began to notice how small our home was becoming a a year or so after we started the Compact. We had downsized and simplifies so much, but we still could not fit in our home. The more our children grew the more difficult it became to function on a daily basis. But we were stuck. The market had fallen out beneath us and there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

Then, we tried to re-finance. Ouch! We had lost more than we could have imagined and we were not going to be able to afford our home much longer. It felt so wrong. We couldn't afford a home that we couldn't live in. How can you make that work?

Well, we were offer an amazing opportunity by someone very close to us. Now, we have a new (to us) home that fits us perfectly. It is not extremely large or ornate. It is just the right size. Big enough to live easily, small enough to require a constant check on our consumeristic nature. Our children have more usable room to play, we are closer to school, we have room to create...we are HOME.

I wish I had picture to share and I wish Carolyn could chime in, but we still don't have internet access (hopefully next week). But suffice it to say, we're starting a new leg on this journey. Keep in touch and we'll fill you in more soon.

Also, thank you all for the support, prayers, thoughts, emails, etc. They have been a welcome blessing in trying times.

Free salad- and other good things

2008-07-05T11:41:00.000-07:00

Oh the joys of having a garden! Go ahead and say "I told you so!", because I wasn't sure it would be this cool.

We have enough lettuce for a salad every day! And enough spinach for my smoothies. And soon, we will have green beans, tomatoes and strawberries!

I am astounded at how prolific our little garden is. Even with my inexperience and lack of knowledge, I've been able to get so much food out of this little patch of ground! Imagine how much we'd get if I knew what I was doing!!!

I'm also enjoying Lemon Balm- it grows in very small amounts in strange places in our yard. I dug some up, stuck it in a barrel with good soil and POW! We have quite a large bush of this herb!!! I've been making tea with it and learning more about its uses. It seems to be good for immune support and relaxation? Well, whatever it does, I like it alot and it seems to soothe me.

I love growing things!

I KNOW BETTER!!

2008-06-29T12:26:00.000-07:00

See the picture? That's all we need.

What am I talking about?

I came home last night after a long day of helping with a family garage sale- I was exhausted just from the sheer enormousity of stuff we all own.

I walked into my own house- stuffed and strewn with laundry and dishes and toys- and felt sick. I'm doing it again. I've lost sight of the goal. There is TOO much here.

I can't deal with the idea that if something happened to me, someone else would have to deal with all this. It's MY stuff, my problem, and I know better.

I know to buy only when something is truly needed. If you run out of shampoo, time to buy more. Some people don't do this- they just buy shampoo all the time. They buy barbecue sauce every time they go to the grocery store. They have dozens of tubes of toothpaste and dozens of bottles of Tylenol.

I know that a treasure is only a treasure if it's treasured. Meaning, I have some wonderful things- my Full Circle Doumbek (a gorgeous drum), my Native American flute, my wraps, my grandmothers wedding ring (which IS somewhere....), my Cartuoche (with my name in Hieroglyphics). NOw I need to make sure they have special care, which includes restraint in acquiring other treasures.

I know that I can make instead of buy. Barbecue sauce is SO much better when you make it yourself- and super easy. So is Iced Tea, muffins from scratch, etc. I also know I can make the best scrubs, moisturizers and other beauty stuff from the stuff in my kitchen. I need not seek out anything in the drug store to take care of my skin.

I know who I am and what I wear is NOT that person. Yikes. This is a tough one because there is an artistic endeavour in getting dressed that has always allured me into seeking MORE clothes- just for the fun of putting them on. And this includes used clothing- most of my wardrobe is used, but it is creeping to beyond full capacity. I need to stop. (but my Birthdays tomorrow- so, this is tough.I'll let you know how I did)

I know that my family is happiest withOUT stuff. We went camping last weekend and I haven't seen my kids so content and wonderful in a VERY long time. No toys, no TV, no nothing. Just a lake, trees and dirt. Wake UP, CAROLYN!!!

So, I know all this- and Matt would probably post the same thing today as well- we are both a little freaked out- and now I need to apply it.

Signs of Life

2008-06-16T12:07:00.000-07:00

I had a fabulous weekend. Father's day is always a little wierd for me. First of all, I live thousands of miles from my Dad, so I always feel like he gets shorted. Secondly, I am still adjusting to being a Dad (I guess I'll never actually "arrive" at fatherhood:). But, this weekend was exceptional.
You may have noticed that I have been completely absent from our Blog lately. I have been going through a deep dark valley full of terror, doubt, and despair. I say that, not as an excuse, but to communicate how different and uplifting this weekend was for me.
Carolyn and I gathered the kids for a hike on Sunday morning, something we haven't really done in two years. I wanted to be outdoors for Father's Day. But, even as we were getting ready to leave I could feel the weight of depression trying to hold me back. I was worried that the car needed work, I was worried that we would spend too much in gas, I was worried that I would be too out of breath to handle the hike. Carolyn pushed me out the door anyway. We planned on stopping in a small town on the way for a terribly fattening Deny's breakfast. The only problem was, there was no Deny's in said town. I had imagineered it. So, being depressed and hungry, I was ready to turn back. Carolyn pushed me forward. We ate at McDonald's...yuk usually, but surprisingly not to bad. We arrived at the trail-head an hour later than planned. I had a screaming headache, the kind that makes me squint and breath heavier than usual, I was ready to turn back. Carolyn pushed, pulled, and prodded me on.
We climbed for a mile or so to a series of ridges where we looked out over the Emigrant pass and Yuba gap area of California. We crossed streams and railroad tracks, we put our feet in frigid snow runoff. The kids and I even had a short snowball fight in the remaining snow of winter (there seems to be a metaphor there). The kids were a blast, they were having so much fun. They were so excited to see the cairns dotting sparse slopes of glacial polished granite. They were fighting over who saw which one first, but they missed the one pictured above. I saw it first and I snapped this picture.
I stopped for a moment to compose the image and when I looked up I was completely alone. Carolyn and the kids had descended out of view. I looked to the horizon and could see a clear winding path of this little stone piles. The sun was warm on my back and for the first time in months, I felt like there was hope.
I have been so stressed about our place in life lately that I have lost my way. I have felt so alone for so long. Life is tough when you feel that way. As we drove home, I began to think about the day and I began to realize that the whole day was a sign from the creator. This time of depression has been fueled by a massive crisis of faith. Four years ago, I was a Pastor; yesterday, I was starting to think that maybe God had given up on me. But, as I look at those cairns...i think there is a path that I somehow missed.
When I am on those empty slabs and I see a cairn, it reminds me that someone has walked this way before and left me a path to follow. It is like that in life too. There is nothing truly new in this world. Someone has always gone before and can show you a path. My Dad has always been such a person for me. I couldn't clearly communicate that to him yesterday, but I think he knows. That is why I am so committed to being a great father. It is the only way I can truly infect my children with love. At the same time, I was reminded that God has not forgotten me. God is not dead. God has gone before me. If I follow the path he has blazed, I am sure to see magnificent things.
So here's to the signs of life all around us. Those simple little reminders that life is a jorney, not a destination.

P.S. Thanks Dad!

Nothing to wear.

2008-05-28T09:13:00.000-07:00

Ok, we needed another post on here besides the rant I left last time. I was inspired to post whilst putting clothes away this last weekend. My drawers were overflowing because , well, I'm a slob and don't fold things.
So, I rolled up all my shirts and put them as neatly as possible in the drawer. Matt walked in and said something like, "holy crap, thats alot of shirts!!"

I was taken aback! Alot of shirts? But, but, I haven't even bought any tank tops yet this year! And, I really hoped to get money for my birthday so I could scavenge for some cool hippie blouses at the thrift store!

He's right. I have PLENTY of shirts. And skirts. And shorts. And everything else, really. How does this happen? How do I lose sight so easily of what we're trying to do?

I guess I STILL need to separate myself from the idea that I am what I wear. For the sake of my poor dresser drawers, this is a lesson I need to learn!!

Trying to find the lesson here...

2008-05-20T21:57:00.000-07:00

In 2005 we bought this house. Our first house. Our first mortgage.

Who knew 3 years later we'd be a statistic you'd hear about on the news?

Yes we were one of those families that got a crappy interest only loan that is now about to go variable, only the house has dropped so much in value we can't afford the difference anymore.

Wonderful. We were cautious. We waited 7 years to buy. We searched for the right place to live, and then, our choices of homes were few and we bought small so we could afford it, figuring we could always move up.

But we stuck with this place, feeling it was right to make it work. We tried to simplify. I've wrestled with every conrer of this place trying to make everything fit and work and thrive. I've tried everyway of arranging furniture, every way of making it so the kids could have places of their own, searched for more and more to purge. Anything to suceed in something we feel is right for us- living small, and counter to the American dream of the giant house with giant amounts of stuff.

I struggled with wanting change. I wanted to buy an RV and live on the road. I wanted (badly) to buy the house next to us (a big, shiny nice house), but we didn't. We stuck with this place.

Then I got inspired to make THIS our dream place. "Bloom where planted"! Very responsible! We'll add on! We'll remodel little by little! Lets build a fire pit! I want a labryinth!

Then, this house takes a dump on us once again. We got a completely dismal appraisal- I mean hopelessly low.

Most people who fell for those awful loans bought up- they bought the 2500 sq ft montstrousities, they went for the dream of 3 car garages. We are dying of our 2 bedroom, 2 bath 850 square foot house on one acre in rural California.

We are feeling pretty let down. Pretty shafted by trying to be responsible. We can't win! We can't afford the lack of space! Maybe we need to downsize!

We hope to get it re-appraised or get a different loan, I don't know, something. I'm kinda wishing a tree would fall on it while we are out shopping or something. But, I tend to like the easy way out of things. I guess thats not going to happen.

I don't want to rent. I love our town, and theres nothing to rent here that wouldn't be more than what we're paying now. Maybe my attitude is bad, I'm sure it is.

Stick with us as we figure out how not to lose our "mansion" that is sucking us dry.

More breeding the need for more

2008-05-08T23:42:00.000-07:00

Ever watch "What Not to Wear"? I have. I'm not a fan. But I do often think about what those people would say to me. And I shudder to think of them throwing away all my clothes in the name of ridding society of my awful taste. And cutting my hair. Why DO they cut everyones hair?

I know why. Because a new haircut facilitates gel, mouse, flattening irons, hair color. Re-evaluating your terrible taste means new shirts, new pants, better shoes and a good belt.

How updated are your cabinets? Is your yard lacking an outdoor kitchen? How can you live with your self?

I want.....I mean I endlessly want. We've discussed this here, you know my issues with materialism and you know Matts. (although he tend to be able to veil them through good writing making his struggle more poetic and less pathetic)

Well, I am beginning to want things that are dead-end objects.

I think I just coined something!! Dead-end objects! Is it possible? Ok, not entirely, but, let me explain.

If I were to say, go blond, (something I would never do)I'd need better conditioner and perhaps some products to prevent my hair from looking like straw.

If I wanted to get into photography- I'd need a camera. And maybe film, or SD cards. Then a lighting kit. Then a new lens.

Maybe I want an iPod. And good headphones. And a case. And lots and lots of songs over a period of months and years.

It never ends! You get something and you feel like it's never enough. In our culture everything needs an upgrade, an accessory.

Is there anything that simply furfills a need? Other than food?

Well- we recently made a small investment into something that is sort of in this direction.

Chickens.

Not free. They require actually alot of stuff initially (we're finding out), but in the long run they will provide one less thing we have to purchase at a store. And they're just cool.

Other things like this are cloth diapers, cloth napkins, buckets, shovels....anything utilitarian, reusable, and good quality.

I'm on the look out for things with less options and more uses.

And I'm not cutting my hair.

At arms length

2008-04-20T21:58:00.000-07:00

Ah, dreams! Sweet, wonderful dreams of what life could be! What did you want to be when you grew up? A fireman? A dancer? A doctor?
Well, I wanted to be an actor. And singer. And artist. And forest ranger. Oh, and fashion designer. Lets just say I never had a real cohesive goal.
Then I had kids and I decided I wanted to be a mom. A really really good mom- a career mom for sure.
I'm certainly there, living that dream. But what about the other ones? DO I still want to be a ranger?
Nah, not really. And I can't act, so that ones gone. I could be a very mediocre singer, perhaps, or get more training. And fashion design....I sort of object to that whole industry now, so no.
That leaves artist. And the uphill battle there is wanting to be an artist in a world of millions and millions of other talented people who go to bed thinking the same thing. And being a defeatist of sorts, that has stopped me for years. I haven't even attempted to create much art much less put it out there for ridicule or sale.
But suddenly, I am. I'm painting....for people. Real people and it's the scariest thing ever! And the best.
It's so strange to for once be doing something I really want to do. And I'm amazed at how much it has taken my focus away from say, obsessing about how endlessly inadequate my house is. Or how completely helpless I am in the face of reality when it comes to keeping organized. Yes, I'm blissfully distracted by my new little venture and hope that it will continue!
I read something in a very cool book I got from the library. Someone said, "If you don't have space in your head, you will crave more physical space." Its a book called "Little House on a Small Planet". It's very, very cool, by the way.
I need to remind myself that I am not about my living space. It has not real effect on who I am, my relationship and my dreams. I can still do what I dream to do in the tiny corner of my little house. I can and I AM in a wonderful relationship with an extraordinary man, and I have three cool little kids.
I can create and live a full life even though I have no dishwasher, no bathtub (we have showers, don't worry), no storage, no space for my piano.
I'm living the life I've always wanted, and THAT is enough.

Fast

2008-04-09T22:51:00.001-07:00

Life has been moving a little too fast lately. On the way home, I realized just how fast I have been going. I was in my own little world buzzing home from an intense day at work when I passed some people on the side of the road. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just after I passed them, something clicked. What had I just swerved to miss? Wait a minute...why were they all waving at me?
I turned the car around and stopped. It it me. There had been an accident. But I only saw one vehicle. Oh crap, I had swerved to miss a motorcycle wheel. I ran down the road to find four people frantic. "He hit us. We never even saw him."
"Where is he?" I asked. They pointed down the hill at least one hundred feet away. Deep under a sea of berry bushes I could see a dark lump. "Call 911." I ran down the hill. Thank God, the man was still alive.
I used to be an EMT, so the skills I had learned years ago took over and before I knew it, I was helping the fire department get the man ready for a helicopter ride to the trauma center. He was in bad shape. I watched the chopper take off with the man inside as I washed the blood off my hands and arms. Then, I walked back to the car to get home. I knew Carolyn would be worried. I was over an hour late and there were plenty of sirens. When I started home, it hit me.
I had been going too fast to notice some people that really needed my help. I hadn't even noticed the need right at my finger tips. How many of us do that daily? We pass the homeless man, avoid the guy/girl with problems at work. Yet a lot of us say that we want to make the world a better place. Maybe it's time to slow down a little. Take a little time this week to notice the needs around us and get involved.

Minty Fresh Spring

2008-04-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

Yep! It's Spring for real now. I'm starting to force the kids outside and I'm having thoughts about hammocks and lawn chairs and cool creeks to dip toes in. I haven't worn sock in a few weeks, the girls are wearing their Easter sandals daily.

It's here. The reprieve from the cold. New life pushing back and winning again.

I went for a walk at a Nature area near my house and found it completely bursting with wildflowers and best of all MINT! Lots and lots of MINT!! So, what did I do? I stuffed my pockets with it!!!

What better to taste in smoothies, iced tea, etc, than a fresh sprig of mint! Happy Spring! Let it thaw you like it's thawing me! Let all kinds of fresh things start growing in your yard and your life.

Just think, we've got a few good months before its justifiable to complain about summer heat!

Backwards

2008-03-18T22:53:00.000-07:00

There are people in all of our lives that profoundly influence us. Often, we do not realize the effect that they have had; until we have spent years trying to prove them wrong, or until we have simply forgotten what it was that they were trying to impart to us. Then, one day, out of the clear blue sky, their words smack us into realization and finally acceptance. One such person is my Uncle Pete.
My Uncle has always been a solid force in my life. He was one of the only people that I have ever known who was--and remains--exactly who he claimed to be. A devout Catholic, he supports his church by leading worship regularly, tithing consistently and living as much like Jesus as he knows how.
When I was a teenager, struggling to find my way, he was there with direction and even prodding. I did not understand him. In fact, I thought he was a bit of a kook. Now, I am beginning to understand.
He had a lot to say about life and the choices we all make. But, sometimes, he would loosen up and begin dreaming out loud. These are some of the most memorable moments. Uncle Pete once said that if he was God, he would have made life backwards. You would start old and worn, slowly getting younger and more agile. By the time you were in your twenties, you would have the most money, the most energy, and the least responsibility. By the time you retired--at eighteen--you would have nothing but years of wonder ahead before you crawled back into the womb and finsihed your existance warm and happy and whole.
I have always loved that idea. It has stuck with me and now that I am a little older, I think I understand where he was going with that train of thought. I have been taking life so seriously lately. My job, our finances, parenting, dealing with our parents, all of it. Maybe it's time to live life backwards. Maybe I need to play more, worry less and most of all find wonder again.
I look at my kids and I realize that the best gift I can give them is my joy. When I am joyful, it spreads to them. When they are joyful, it spreads to me. So, instead of becoming more responsible (screw that!) I'm going to go play. Last one with me is a rotten egg.

P.S. Thanks Uncle Pete! You have taught me more than you'll ever know.

P.P.S. The picture above is an example of my newfound playfulness. I had to crawl down a pretty gnarly cliff to get that shot. It was fun.

Patch of dirt

2008-03-10T08:23:00.000-07:00

Yep.

Dirt.

I'm now trying to focus away from the abundant dirt inside my home- which is always an issue- and look to the dirt outside.

I (Carolyn, that is) have been non-commital about putting anything in the ground here. I just cant make a decision and, honestly, have secretly hoped to put stuff in the ground around a bigger house. (there, I said it)

But, it was time to do something. I've wanted a garden for a long time and so on Saturday, Matt and I just took some shovels and went for it. This is literally the only spot on our property that gets good sunlight. And it happens to be close to a water source, too.

So, we've chopped it up, next we're going to get some soaker hoses, and some amendments, and corner posts for fencing. Deer use our property as a pass through every evening, and I wont be gardening to feed THEM, so, a fence is a must.

I cant wait until the first pepper or tomato is ready for picking. We have really been trying to eat better this past year and vegetable-eating has been a big focus for us. We have always been more into things like baked goods or some good steak.

This is really a next step for us as far as simplicity. But its always been a point of procrastination because of my issues with this house, the cost of getting all the supplies, the know-how, etc. Theres always a thousand reasons NOT to do something, right?

So, we'll keep ya posted on our dirt patch. Hopefully we'll actually do something with it!

Things worth Owning

2008-01-29T09:59:00.000-08:00

When you are trying to live right, squashing materialism, I'm finding out that everything you own or want to own gets prioritized.

I realize that now anything in my home get scrutinized for usefulness. With a house this size, there is no way I can keep everything that comes in the door.

We've cut down on dishes, towels, bedding, etc. If we dont have a place for it, or if we dont use it everyday- it cant live here. We dont have the space. But there are a few exceptions.

My China. It's not a full set...mostly just teacups and a soup tureen and a few of the dishes. I use the teacup and little dessert plates in the rare occasion I actually let people in my house! They are about the only family heirloom I'll ever have, so I feel a strong attachment to them.

Musical instruments. We simply love them- and while the only instrument I play wont fit in our house (piano), I love being surrounded by these things.

Art supplies. Because if you dont have them- you cant create. You can, but it's fun to have a good supply of paint, clay, canvas', paper, etc.

Then there are things that are just treasures.

I like to make jewelry from time to time, and the best place to buy really cool beads is at bead shows or Gem faires. We went to one last weekend.

I held strand after strand of beautiful beads in my hands- agates, opals, turquoise, jades, etc. But one strand only won my heart. Sure I would use any of the beads if I got them- but how much do you really need?

I ended up buying a strand of Trade beads that are probably from Ghana, but not really "from" Ghana. These types of beads were used for trade with African tribes for centuries. I found a good article about this here: http://www.smithsonianeducation.org/migrations/beads/essay1.html

Now, this, in my opinion is worth owning. Items that have a story. Treaures that make you think, and imagine.

Specs

2008-01-22T20:32:00.002-08:00

X-Ray vision, now there's a superpower! I remember being a kid and looking through a stash of my Uncle's old comics (which I should have guarded a little more closely, but anyway); there was an add in the back for "X-Ray Specs." You have probably seen them on some movie or
read about them in the same comic book, but--for those of us who are less enlightened when it comes to superpowers--they were supposed to let you see through walls, doors, and whatever else you can imagine a teenage boy longing to look through. I never got my pair of "X-Ray Specs." Apparently, no one made the magical glasses by my time, but I always wondered if they worked. Go ahead, be a cynic...but I have always held on to the hope that they might work. If I ever find a pair, I will let you know for sure.

About a year ago, I started to have vision issues. I spend a lot of time reading and working at the computer, so my doctor suggested reading glasses. He said that my eyes were getting tired throughout the day and that was affecting my vision for the drive home, which is where I was really noticing the problem. I gave the glasses the good old college try; almost a year. My vision got worse. Finally, I decided to get a second opinion. I met a great new Optometrist and she noticed a few small issues that added up to my vision problem. Two days later, I was sporting new glasses. It seems that the first doctor had decided that I needed reading glasses before he really checked out my eyes. It only took the new doctor a few minutes to realize that he had given me exactly the opposite prescription. I am near-sighted, not far-sighted.

It is wonderful to see the leaves on the trees, It is amazing how much easier it is to drive when you can read the signs. But, I have to admit, the first few days with glasses was a little tough. I picked them up with a friend and put them on to walk out of the office and to the car. I must have tripped five or six times. They made me feel like I was walking on stilts. At first I thought that this doctor screwed up too; then it hit me, maybe this is how I was SUPPOSED to see. Maybe, I had gotten so used to life as usual, that I had forgotten what the world really looked like. Maybe I had never seen the world as it really was, until now.

There is a lot to our journey that I have not shared. Most of it is too personal to be of any interest to anyone other than Carolyn and I, but some things just need time to come out into the world. One such thing, is my crisis of world view.
Until six or seven years ago, I was quite sure of my place in the world. I knew who I was, where I was going, where I belonged. A lot happened to confuse my compass. It was not until last January that I really began looking for North again. I'm still drawing maps and and stumbling around a little, but I have realized a fatal flaw in my thinking that caused me to lose my way. I let someone tell me that I was not good enough and I began to believe it.

I had, at the time, several people in my life that were destructive. They pawned off their issues onto me and told me repeatedly--in word and deed--that I was not who I was supposed to be. They let me know that God didn't like me the way I was and that He expected me to change. They were quick to inform me that most of my personality was not acceptable. It has taken me some time to realize how poisonous and deep-seated these beliefs had become. When I broke off the relationships I had with these people I spent a long time wondering if I would ever be worth anything again.

Tonight I was at a Weight Watchers meeting (yup, I've lost 25.6 pounds!) and the leader repeated something that she had said a dozen times since I began attending. "Beliefs turn into words, words turn into actions, actions turn into habits." I never realized how true that was until tonight. I began to believe that I was bad/evil/etc.. Which I turned into messages about every area of my life. That began to affect how I approached all of life. Finally, I got stuck in the rut.

Last years departure from consumerism shook loose a few of those habits and suddenly, I was having blurry vision. So I called in some help. I decided to get my health back, so I joined Weight Watchers. The meetings gave me a new pair of glasses. Now I see my relationship with food is a symptom of many other arts of my life. It's a little weird, but maybe this is how I am SUPPOSED to look to myself.

The people that filled my head with the wrong beliefs were simply misdiagnosing me. The "problems" they were seeing where not really problems at all. They had not taken the time to find out who I was or what I needed. They gave me the opposite.

I wish that I had "X-Ray Specs" that could let me look right inside myself and see what's right or wrong, but I'll have to peel away the layers one at a time to find the truth. It will take a bit, but hey...that's life. At least I know this, Jesus loves me and I'm worth something.

Oh yeah, and I look darn good in glasses ;))

A True Test of my...well, everything.

2008-01-15T20:17:00.000-08:00

How do you make me crazy? Stick me in the dark in a cramped house with three hyper active children.

The Friday before last, I went to a birthday party at my friends house. I left the house in a whirlwind- a complete mess. The house was TRASHED. We'd come back from NJ a few days before and I vowed I'd clean it up on the weekend. And while leaving for this party, I had this sense of foreboding....the piles, oh, the piles....what if for some reason I couldn't clean up?

Well, the wind was blowing and it was raining like mad already, but I wasn't going to miss Jacks Birthday party....he was turning 2 after all!!

During the party, my friends lights flickered a little and it was getting NASTY out, so, we headed out earlier that we would hae normally.

I was aware as I got the kids in the car that this was no normal storm- not for California at least. The wind was so strong, it was hard to drive and branches were flying everywhere. I'd dropped Wyatt off at his friends house and on the way to get him, I noticed alot of downed trees.

When I'd gotten to my friends house to pick up Wyatt, she was on the phone, her power was out. "We have to get to the schoolhouse....one of the sheds is damaged by the wind."

If you'll remember, my friends and I run a preschool co-op at a historical school house in town. Last year we bought sheds to store all our supplies it.

We came to the school house but had to enter from another way because a tree was down and took out a power poll. All my friends came at once a we saw that our sheds weren't damaged....they were GONE. And our supplies scattered everywhere. What a disaster. We did the best we could to salvage everythig despite the continuing danger of the wind and rain and craziness.

I tried to head home- which usually takes 10 minutes- but this was an hour. I sat on the road in line behind a huge downed tree while they cut it away to clear the road.

When I got home, Matt was home to my surprise. Even his office, an hour away had no power.

So, I kept the kids in the car and tried to go to my moms house- she has a lot of natural light and less big trees. But, nope. A power power poll blocked her road and there was no getting past it. So, home we went.

The first night was fine...even fun.

The next night was ok, but getting boring.

The next 4 nights? THEY SUCKED.

My house was even more of an utter disaster and my brain was shot. My son couldn't go back to school...no power, no heat, no phones....and everyone was crabby and depressed.

I began to freak out. "I hate this house. I wish a tree would have fallen on it." I think I said this about 100 times. I really wished it would just go away. It was dark, dirty, cramped and awful...at least when the power was out.

I could not muster the strength to be positive ad just do what I could to make the most of the situation. It just wasn't in me.

I'm not saying the house isn't totally at fault. Despite our ordering of priorities and simplification mission, we are still bulging at the seams. This house is not only small, it's poorly planned. We believe with some remodeling it will improve GREATLY. And I think we are ready to start thinking about that more seriously.

But I'm pretty disappointed as what a crappy job I did dealing with the power outage. I was like a kid....whiny and irrational. It really got me wondering if there is ANYTHING I can handle? Anything at all where I don't act like a total spoiled brat? Sheesh.

Now, with electricity functioning again, I'm trying to appreciate things like lights (which I really missed the most) and refrigeration. And hopefully next time, I'll do better.

I have to add that last Friday (a week after the original outage and storm), I got the house in order and had some friends over for tea. It was nice to see some control on my part finally. After they left, I went ot pick up Wyatt from school. Upon arriving home I realized something was funny at home....what was wrong? THE POWER WAS OUT. I lost it. I called all my friends and they were out also. Everyone was livid with the power company. I mean, give me a break, we'd only had it on for a couple days! We'd had enough!

Then, my friend who's husband is a volunteer fire fighter called. It turned out the outage happened because a worker was further repairing some lines, but was electrocuted- thus the outage. He was killed.

Suddenly my dark house was a solemn reminder of what was really important. My threatened freezer full of food wasn't much to complain about.

Passion

2008-01-05T11:13:00.000-08:00

A year has past and we find ourselves in a very different place from last January. It has been an interesting and challenging journey. We have made some changes, gained some ground, lost a little and ultimately found out that the "best" life is going to take a very long time to find. But, isn't the search really the point?
So as we have looked back over the past twelve months and turned to look twelve months into the future, we have made a decision. Last year was a period of tearing down; we stripped off as much as we could from our lives, we looked for way to reduce our posesions, reduce our needs, reduce our desires. It was a good and neccessary process. We were able to see how desperatley attached to stuff we had become, we found out that we could live a better and less fettered life with less stuff.
This year needs to be a year of rebuilding. We have taken off so much of ourselves that we are often unsure of who we really are. So this year, that's the point. We are going to find ourselves. We are going to begin building the life we want.
So here is our commitment for 2008...
This year, we will strive to:
1.) Identify what our true passions are
2.) Focus our attention on living passionately
3.) Solidify our core beliefs about God, People, the Earth, Life, and Our Purpose
4.) Begin to make all of our decisions based upon the above
5.) Share our journey with all who are interested
2008 will be a year of Passion.

Our Truest Life...

2007-12-06T21:56:00.000-08:00

"Our Truest life is when we are in dreams awake." -Henry David Thoreau

There was a time in my life when I believed that the epitome of our existence was absolute leisure. I thought that hard work was just a means to an end. The harder I worked now, the better I could relax in the future. Then, as the future became the present, I was confused, The work never seemed to end. In fact it got harder and there was significantly more of it. This may sound stupid, but I was severely depressed by the facts I found. The work would never really end.
I have been coming to terms with this realization ever since. Lately, I've been finding new enjoyment in hard work. It feels weird to say this, but I'm actually starting to enjoy working around the house. Okay, a little background might help...I grew up in Suburban New Jersey. My knowledge of "working around the house" was limited to mowing the lawn (on a riding mower, with my Walkman on; probably playing White Lion or Bon Jovi) or shoveling snow. That was about it.
Now before I have to turn in my "man card" I have to tell you that I'm pretty handy. I can do almost anything that a house would need: electrical, basic plumbing, drywall, painting, you name it. But, I have NEVER enjoyed any of it. Now, we own a home in the mountains. There are trees to trim and even (grunts like the guy on "Home Improvement") cut down with a chain saw. There are enormous amounts of brush, pine needles, and leaves to get rid of, usually with fire (laughs like Beavis, "Yeah, fire, heh heh!") There are culverts to clear, holes to dig, bugs to kill, skunks to get rid of, bears that rip are garbage cans to shreds (maybe a slight exaggeration, although we actually did have a problem bear until I chased him off with my Jeep...a long story.). There is a lot to do and until recently, I have been completely unwilling and angry about having to do it.
The past few months have been a little tight financially and we've spent a lot more time than usual at home. Bored and sick of looking like the town loser, I began working on the yard and found myself passing time quickly. But, the thing about it is...it really cleared my mind. Okay, here's where that Thoreau quote at the top comes in.
After I first realized that I was always going to have work, I began to think that I had to go for the next best thing, the dream job. A vocation where I was doing something I loved all the time. The problem was/is that I don't love to do the same things all the time. But, I think that Mr. Thoreau might have been saying that when our work allows us to dream, we have struck gold. When he left for Walden pond, there was no shortage of work, but in that isolation he found a peace that was very different from leisure. I had not experienced it until recently. However, I am beginning to understand what he meant.
When I spend a Saturday working hard out in the yard, or at the park, or wherever, it does not take very long for my mind to wander. Soon I am dreaming of what could be or what I could make out of those branches, or how beautiful the sky is going to be at sunset. Suddenly, my mind is wrapped around things that are real and living, in a world of possibility and splendor; a world where status, money, or power don't make a lick of difference. That is a true life.

Side Note: Many of you have asked us to check out a few books, we haven't been keeping up with our reading list as well as we like, but someone (I cannot remember who) suggested Wendell Berry's books. I'm just starting to read "What are People for?" It is pretty amazing, so...look for the first Changing Rhythm Book review in the next few weeks. Thanks for all the ideas an support!

Post feast musings

2007-11-25T19:59:00.000-08:00

I am sluggish from my third Thanksgiving feast. I had one with our Preschool Co-op, one with the family and one tonight with friends.

I love to eat. I find it tremendously comforting. I often eat out of boredom in addition to grabbing things to eat when I'm frustrated or depressed. I love the ritual of actually consuming something. And I would do it all the time if I could.

Do you see a problem here?

Yes.

I also love to buy. I find it tremendously comforting. I often buy out of boredom in addition to buying things when I'm frustrated or depressed. I love the ritual of actually purchasing something. And I would do it all the time if I could.

I still have a *bit* of a consumerism issue. Food and stuff.

Buy Nothing Day sucked.

Ok, it was actually a really nice day, but I was very tempted at 5 am to get up and drive to any store any where to buy SOMETHING. I didn't even know what, I just wanted that feeling of getting something.

Later in the day I found things I could go get, like sweats for the kids, or sheets. But Matt wouldn't let me go. He said we could go, but we couldn't buy. What freaking good would that be?

I was a little bitter.

We started this whole quest for anti-consumerism in January and here I am almost December and I have hardly grown. At least I'm not at the super simplified zen place I thought I'd be. Will I get there by the end of 2007?

The picture I posted is Scarlet asleep in a wrap-hammock while we did yardwork on Friday. i couldn't find anything that symbolized the lameness of my state of mind right now or the frustration with where I'm NOT.

So, I just posted something sweet. The only really simple thing I do is mother these kids.

I see black

2007-11-16T16:27:00.000-08:00

Black Friday approaches. It comes every year, lurking in the press, on TV, on in-store ads. Black Friday is here.
The day after Thanksgiving has become the busiest shopping day of the year. It's name is symbolic of what happens in retail sales across our nation and in the Western world at large. On November 23rd (assuming the trend continues) many retailers will finally, "go into the black," and begin making a profit for the year. Some companies will see the biggest sales day of the year. Some will make more on one single day than they will the rest of the year. But to me, Black Friday is black for wholly different reasons.
Now, I want to assure all of our friends that I am a big supporter of the Free Market. I believe that it is the best economic system available, but to think it is flawless is naive. My problem with Black Friday is not with the retailers as much as it is with the mentality behind all involved, which is why, this year, we will be celebrating "Buy Nothing Day."
The want monster in our world is enormous and I cannot think of a better way to make it smaller than to not participate in the madness of Black Friday. I know people that are going shopping at 4 AM so they can get "the best stuff, first." They plan on staying at the mall, "all day," because they want to make sure they see everything. These people are some of the most wealthy I know. They have obscenely large houses and drive expensive cars, while the more expensive cars sit in the garage, and buy more than they will ever need. Why do they do it? Because they are convinced that MORE will fill the void in their souls. Spending, saving, and simple living are spiritual acts. It is inescapable. How we spend mirrors the condition of our soul.
Do I mean that we cannot spend and be spiritually okay? No. I am saying that the reasons behind our spending are bound to our beliefs about ourselves, our beliefs about our worth, and our beliefs about what life is really about. As I have said before, the entitlement mentality of our nation cannot be overstated and it is wholly and disgustingly visible on Black Friday.
So, let us all consider--every time we take out our wallet--why we are spending. Do I need this? Is this useful? Who will have less because I buy this? Is there some way that I could impact the world more positively than buying this? Let us be sure that our souls are full and that our lives are rich, not matter what we have or do not have. Last of all, please consider joining our family in "Buy Nothing Day" this year. Speak loudly, without words, and stand against the insatiable want monster.

Paint

2007-11-04T19:03:00.000-08:00

Carolyn spent the day painting today. It was part of a church service on creativity. I had the opportunity to sit in the back and watch my wife create. It was wonderful to see her painting. I also ran accross one of my oldest journals, it was amazing to see how differently I viewed the world when I was in collge. I wrote a lot differently then. These two events brought some things back into focus for me.
I have lost hold of a lot of things that kept me interested in life. I used to write poetry, I used to photograph everything, I used to play guitar every day. I hardly do any of those things anymore. In fact, my guitar has collected so much dust this year it is almost burried in the corner. Carolyn used to draw and paint a lot more than she does now. We seem to have left those things and moved on to more "adult" pursuits, like laundry and work and shuttling kids from place to place.
Here's the thing, life was a lot better back then. I think it's time to get back into the things that helped us dream...gotta go, my guitar is waiting.

All I really need is my brain.

2007-10-25T21:54:00.001-07:00

I was mildly picked on in middle school. Nothing too serious or scarring- just the normal "hey, you look like a boy" you might expect a late bloomer with an unfortunate haircut to receive in 6th grade.

The teasing didn't bother me as much as the sheer lack of attention from ANY of my classmates- I was invisible and I hated it.

I had one place of solice in those times where I was alone and no one was interested in talking to me. It was my stories. They were in my head and mostly resulted in me talking to myself (which didn't help my social scene). I loved where my mind went and I spent hours fine tuning the worlds that existed in my head.

Somewhere along the line I got to the point where I needed a bra (a HUGE step for me in my adolescence), and seemed to gain enough confidence to actually hang out with a group of people. And I talked to myself less, at least in public. The stories never went away.

Here we are, 2007 and for the second time, I've signed up for NaNoWriMo. Whats that, you ask? November is National Novel Writing Month and within a few minutes of registration0 you can sign yourself up to the challenge of churning out 50,000 words in 30 days.

Matt was a finisher last year, and I am so proud. I signed up and came in around oh, say 400 words. But I'd just had a baby and it was Wyatts first year of school, yada, yada, yada.

No excuses this year.

I continue to be that weird kid on the outskirts in many ways. I'm still terrifed of being ignored. Some things never change. And now I have the added disfunction of being a materialistic glutton.

I had a sort of social break down a few weeks ago- no a big deal- I just sort of threw a fit and gt depressed because no one liked me...that old chestnut. And around the same time started a stuff binge that involved hours and hours of selling my stuff in order to get new and better stuff and resulting in losing more money in shipping costs at the close of it all.

Then I saw a light...new inspiration on my journey to free myself from this sort of garbage.

I still have my stories. And I'm signed up for this thing...I've GOT to do this. I've got the material in my head....it's time to stop thinking about better cotton tights for the girls, or, new bathroom rugs, and start conceptualizing my novel. Time to forget about whether or not my friends just tolerate me and start using my creativity for once.

Why do I need all this stuff when I've got these ideas that have fascinated me forever? Is that not a gift?

All I really need is my brain. (and love, and God....yeah, yeah, yeah....I know)

And I have to say...what ever happened to that AWESOME tapestry vest I was wearing? Now theres a look that hasn't come back around.

Rocks

2007-10-15T09:37:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of rocks. I was picking up around the house last night and I must have found two dozen. Some are very small, others are about the size of a baseball. Some are really beautiful, others are rather plain. No matter how big, small, pretty, or ugly they are; I love them. They are my rocks. Picked up off the ground by my children and given specifically to me. They were thinking of me when they saw them, that makes me smile.
Last night I was awake much later than everyone else. I was able to really get some thinking done. We are heading into the leanest month of the year. November is historically very tight financially. Our home taxes are due, we have to fill the propane tank for the coming cold, Christmas shopping begins, the cars need service for the approaching winter. So naturally--no, not naturally...I guess it's a learned behavior--I begin freaking out. How are we going to do it? How are we going to afford gifts? Can we skimp on the propane? Do we really need new brakes?
When I begin to spin out of control like this, it usually leads to depression, but not this time. As I was cleaning...when I saw my rocks, it hit me again. Everything will be okay. My wife and children love me.
Children are a great reminder that we don't need things to make us happy. The smallest things mean so much to them. They give me the best gifts because they give me a piece of themselves with every rock. I love that my kids have no idea how much a house costs, how much food costs, or how much Daddy makes. It doesn't really matter to them.
So standing at the beginning of a desert journey, I realize that I have everything I need. I have my family. I have my rocks.

Weekend Weary

2007-10-07T22:11:00.000-07:00

The title says it all. We are weekend weary. It seems like every weekend has become a chore. What happened? I remember when weekends were fun and exciting, but right now they seem like too much effort for too little reward.
Don't get me wrong, the weekends aren't all bad...for instance, this Saturday, we spent the day at a local kids expo that was full of crafts, music, and games. Everything was free and it really was a lot of fun. I (Matt) was able to spend a little one-on-one Daddy time with each kids, which was nice for a change. But, Sunday...Sunday was rough. It seems like our kids are never happy unless we are 100% engaged. Obviously this means that someone is always crying, screaming, or complaining. What is going on? We love being parents, but this is insane!
I guess the point of this post is to ask for suggestions. What do other families do on weekends? Is there a way that someone has found to squeeze a little house-work in with fun engaging activity? What does everyone's weekend schedule look like? Seriously, we are open to hear all suggestions. We are feeling a bit lost in this. Thanks in advance.

I just wanna change the world

2007-10-01T18:41:00.001-07:00

Is that so wrong?
OK- I'm not much of a "self starter". I am unmotivated, unreliable, easily bored, etc. Jobs have always been hard for me. Wow. That sounded bad. Let me put it this way: I didn't finish college (at all), and never got that one big job. I have held an assortment of lame jobs that I felt no connection to.
Thank GOD for motherhood and the ability to NOT work. Phew. But, now I'm gone everyday, working at our preschool co-op, or going to story time, or whatever kid related thing I signed up for that day. And I freaking love it. I've had the chance to use some of my real actual gifts (aside from the one I used previously....alphabetizing files).
I get to sing, draw, create, etc, and it's been really great.I've also been able to spread my love of baby wearing, breastfeeding and all things earthy and fun.
This Saturday there is a Kids Expo and I'm excited that our Co-op gets a booth and we are using it for Natural parenting advocacy! We are bringing cloth diapers, baby carriers, and tons of resources and info for parents to peruse or possibly ridicule (hopefully not that last one!!!). I'm very excited!
I get a little too crazy though, as Matt would tell you. I take on too much. I cant follow through on everything I commit to. And I'm realizing how contrary that is to the "Simple" life I want.
I'm just glad I'm doing SOMETHING....FINALLY. I need to learn some balance.

Dream World

2007-09-24T23:23:00.000-07:00

"You've been living in a dream world, Neo." Morpheus haunts me. I had a professor that looked, acted, and talked just like the character from the Matrix. When we were still in college, he took Carolyn and I out to dinner in a little over-priced bistro in Nyack, NY. I don't remember much about the dinner, but I will never forget our conversation later that night.

Dr. M (we'll call him) was a very interesting man, he regularly left for days on end to play piano for Russian and Chinese Royalty, but he lived in our dorm building, in a small dorm room (at least he had a private bath) right between students. Every morning he walked the halls in his bathrobe and was a regular at all of the guy's dorm happenings. But he carried himself with grandiose stature and commanding presence. He was also very mysterious, mischievous and wise beyond words. He took a small handful of us into his care and built into us in ways that I am just now beginning to understand. To some he was like a father. To others, he was like a brother. To me, he was like a sage.

Like many college students, I was rambling through life without much experience. He gave me plenty in very little time. He was well versed in all of the subjects that intrigued me: philosophy, art, music, literature. He spoke of them on levels that I had never considered and forced me to keep up with his ramblings. So, when we returned from dinner and Carolyn had gone up to her room I was anxious for his take on my newfound love.

Dr. M, dressed in a dapper suit complete with a long black trench coat (I kid you not, he seriously looked like Morpheus and talked with the same calculated deep tone), stopped walking, put his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes.

"Carolyn is a very special girl. She is exactly what you need." He turned and walked away. So did I. "Also, Matt...you don't deserve her."
His last line bothered me. Why not? Why don't I deserve her? Of course I do! But now, I understand.

We live in a world of plenty. But, very few of us have any. And those of us that have, have a lot. Those of us that have, feel entitled. The media tells us that we deserve a lot of things. We tell each other that we deserve better. We tell ourselves that we deserve the best. But, really, none of us deserve anything.
So, when we get a shiny new thing (whatever it is) we call it a blessing, or a happy stroke of luck. But, if getting things is a blessing, then why do millions of people not get blessed? That does not jive with my understanding of God, the Universe and everything.

Thoreau said, "A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone." I think he is on to something. Maybe the "things" that we work so hard for are really challenges, tests, opportunities. They are not blessings. That makes more sense. Those of us that have more, are more challenged than those with less. So what do we do with the entitlement mentality? Toss it.

When Dr. M told me that I didn't "deserve" Carolyn, he was bringing up a very good point. She was a challenge for me (and still is :)) and to think I deserved her love was to completely miss the point of our relationship. He later elaborated on why Carolyn was good for me. And I took all he said in. Most of it did not make sense for a long time. But now I realize the truth, "there is no spoon," (sorry, I couldn't resist) but seriously, the truth is that Carolyn and I are perfectly matched.

Okay, this has been a long way to the point, so thanks for hanging in there. Carolyn and I are living in a dream world right now. Nothing is as it seemed. Our world view is changing. Our perspective on God is changing. Our needs, wants, dreams are changing. In a very real sense we feel lost at sea. But, we are also pretty sure that we're heading in the right direction. I'm glad that we are together on this journey. Dr. M was right, I don't deserve her, but, she's exactly what I need.

Somewhere Else

2007-09-16T23:36:00.000-07:00

Ah, Fall is in the air. It is cooling down and the trees are beginning to turn. I love the fall. Every sense in me awakens during this season. The air smells better, the light is more abstract and the food tastes better.
We spent Saturday in Apple Hill, a collection of small apples orchards and farmers markets not far from our home. We found some delicious fruit and preserves and indulged in fudge/caramel apples--complete with sprinkles. One of the larger farms also has pony rides. Once Violet saw the ponies...we were going. Period. End of discussion.
Wyatt and Violet saddled up and were rather uncooperative (as far as my photographic agenda was concerned) which I mentioned to my wife. "They're somewhere else, Matt. Wyatt is a cowboy on some far away range and Violet is gliding through the forest on a unicorn's back."
I've thought about that a lot since Saturday morning. Of course, Carolyn was right. The kids were somewhere else while they rode. That is the beauty of being young and untainted by responsibility. Kids can imagine things so closley to reality that the two somehow intermingle and coexist. When we grow into cynicism and self-doubt and rampant responsibility, a fissure begins to divide our worlds. Often we jump toward our dreams and fall short, clinging reluctantly onto someday. As the chasm gets wider and deeper, we try to find a way to cross, but it is a nearly impossible task.
Our dreams are important. I believe they are God's way of directing us toward earthly fulfillment, but when dreams begin to happen somewhere else, life loses its luster. That's where I have found myself a lot in the past few years.
Children are closer to God, they have less between them and eternity. They have less of a false self to protect from an all-seeing creator so they are able to operate in both worlds simultaneously, so maybe...just maybe; the better we get to know God, the more we too can bring our dreams and our reality closer together. Maybe we can truly live now and live in a dream world at the same time. I like to think so.

Goodbye Girl

2007-09-09T22:10:00.000-07:00

Today was a little tough, we had to say goodbye to a good friend. Mel (Melody) has been the family dog for almost three years now. We adopted her from a friend. She was always gentle with our children and frighteningly vicious when she sensed trouble. She was fun and wry, but she was also very old.
It has always been tough for me to lose an animal. I don't really know why. Maybe it's because I feel like they are my responsibility. It has always hurt me deeply.
I haven't had time to really process Mel's death, but now that the house is quiet I miss her panting. Somehow it just doesn't feel like home without her here. I guess this post has very little to do with simplicity except that life is precious, even if it's the life of a family pet.

Stumbling around in my soul

2007-09-07T20:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, I was going to post this in my own blog, but, eh- that seems like alot of effort when I could post it right here, right now.

One thing that has spurred me personally on this journey to simplicity has been questioning my beliefs. At first it was just questioning the things related to material things. But it has been a deeper rabbit hole than I first expected.

I've found myself for the first time in my life surround by people who don't believe as I do. I would have, in my old thinking, called them simply, NON-Christians. Thus implying somehow that they were non-people. Because thats what I thought.

Why wouldn't you be a Christian? What could possibly be wrong with the way I believe, worship, live?

Well, theres a lot for me to say about all this, but I'm going to give you the Cliff Notes version as I'm just plain tired right now.

Being surrounded by people who haven't been raised in COnservative Christian families has really shaken me. Because they are often much more Christ-like than the Christians I've been around all these years. There is so much honesty, so much ease, so little legalistic drama and ego.

It's freaking me out.

What have I been doing all these years?

Now, don't hear me wrong- I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I know the Spirit dwells in me every moment. I want to follow Christs teachings.

But the whole American Christian culture thing is left me with a resounding "yuck".

So, what am I reading? Where am I headed?

I've read everything Rob Bell has written so far. I feel like Velvet Elvis really started this transformation for me. And his NOOMA videos remind me of whats still RIGHT about Christianity.

I read Dance of the Dissident Daughter, by Sue Monk Kidd. Amazing book. Disturbed me profoundly. She makes some great points, and I was really inspired (or enabled) to search deeper into the roots of what I believe. But, I have to say, I'm still processing a lot of that book as, it was very troubling for me in some ways.

I talked to a Pastor last month about whats going with me. I told him a lot of my friends are Pagan, or at least, kicking the tires on becoming Pagan. I feel like a lot of the Pagan belief resonate with what I've always felt or "known". So, the Pastor suggested I look into the early Christians in Europe- the Celtic people.

I didn't look exactly where he told me too. I read a book called Listening to the Heartbeat of God. It talks about the time where the Celtic people were evangelized and at what point the earth based beliefs where abandoned and the church based beliefs became standard. Very interesting. And still....disturbing for me.

I also read a book called Pagans and Christian by Gus DiZerga. It's written from a Wiccan point of view (yes....GASP...Wiccan). It compares and contrasts Christianity and Pagan beliefs, calling for unity between the two. Very informational. The jury is still out on this one...but it helped me understand what the HECK Wicca is. And I think that's important, since I have a few friends who consider themselves Wiccan.

So next I'm off to read Celtic Christianity. I haven't started yet- I'll let you know.

Some scary territory for a nice closed minded Christian girl. But I know at the end of the day that I'm together with the Holy Spirit. And I am comforted by the songs I've known all my life. Whenever I feel sort of lost I sing:

I life my eyes up, unto the mountain
Where does my help come from
My help comes from you, maker of heaven
Creator of the earth
Oh how I need you Lord you are my only hope
You're my only friend
And so I'll wait for you to come and rescue me
Come and give me life

The photo I submitted here is of a drawing I did for my old church. I have always liked this one in particular. My Jesus. I just want to know who he is.

Weekend Walks and Mud Pies

2007-09-02T10:11:00.001-07:00

Saturday's usually end up a mess in our home. Usually, we plan a terrific amount of house work , yard work, and DIY projects into the morning followed by tremendous childlike adventures in the afternoon. By Saturday at lunch, nothing is done, everyone is angry, hungry, tired and the day is pretty much lost. So, this week, we changed it up and decided to spend our Saturday playing.
I came home from work a little early on Friday to an interesting scene. Our three children had found the hose and a lot of dirt...the fun began. By the time I arrived, Scarlet looked like a pirate. Captain Mudbeard (okay, cheezy, I know, but...).Upon seeing their faces, I knew that we had to go on an adventure. So we packed up and left for the park...on foot. We have a very nice park a little over a mile from our home. Usually we drive, but why? Well, usually, Violet (3yrs.) is why we drive. She's quickly becoming very heavy to carry and she loves to dawdle, so walking to the end of our driveway is often a time-consuming challenge. This weekend was different. She was excited at the prospect of an "a-ven-ter" and walked both ways without much prodding. We spent an hour or so at the park playing, laying around looking up at a bright blue sky through the trees, and picking ripe blackberries. Then we made the trek back home.
We walked in and there was a message from my mother-in-law, asking if she could take the kids for the evening. The kids were elated, Carolyn and I were excited for some very rare alone time, so we accepted. Carolyn and I spent the next few hours dreaming about our next adventure (keep looking for details) and enjoying a well earned ice cream dessert. We toped the evening with coffee and a good book. I cannot remember a more simple, relaxing, enjoyable weekend...and we have two more days to go.

Fair Money

2007-08-19T20:56:00.000-07:00

We went to the California State Fair today. It has become a tradition and Carolyn and I had set apart some money for the trip (it always seems to cost a lot more than we anticipate) and made sure it was in cash so we wouldn't be tempted to overspend. We loaded up the backpacks with healthy snacks, the Kleen Kanteens with water and headed off for a day of fun.
We had to park a LONNNNNG way from the gate and enjoyed the walk. On the way we passed a man who was just sitting down to pan-handle. Wyatt saw him first, "Dad, that man needs some money, do we have some to give him?"
"Yes, we do." I handed the man some of our fair money and had the pleasure of exchanging smiles with someone that often goes overlooked. As we walked away, I was able to praise my son for his willingness to give without a second thought. I told him that he was a very thoughtful person and that he should never think twice about giving to those in need, especially when others have excuses to not give. "There is never a good reason to not give to someone when you are able to, Wyatt."
Many of you have asked about what we have been reading, learning, and thinking over the past few months. Poverty has been the foremost on my mind. A little while back I read a book called The Irresistible Revolution, and it is just beginning to take hold of my daily actions...a little. (Check out the Author here) I wish more Christians thought and acted like the author of that book. Apparently, we have gone the way of zealots rather than radical lovers of God, people, and this world. It's no wonder that Jesus had a lot of nasty feelings for the religious leaders he ran into.
We will always have the poor. I'm beginning to understand that simplicity demands equality. If we remove the boarders of race, economics, or whatever; we are all on the same plane, and life is a lot less complex. We don't have to pretend, posture, ignore, or save face...we can just simply live, together. So poverty is a simple border to remove.
Let's all be honest with ourselves for a moment. If we are reading this blog, we have access to the internet and a computer...congratulations, we are richer than 90% of the world.
So, what can you afford to give? Only you can answer that question. But, let me finish my story before you go and figure it out.
We had a great day, we saw all of the livestock, petted a few animals, checked out a sustainable farming exhibit, ate cotton candy, ate some decent Thai food, walked a lot, and the kids each rode several carnival rides and even got a prize to take home. As we drove out of the parking lot I realized that we still had $8.00 left. Our entire day cost less than we had planned and we were able to give a very nice gift to a homeless man who needed it more than we did. It was a great day.

Avoidance

2007-08-13T09:46:00.000-07:00

I have been avioding posting for weeks and week now.

Summer is so weird now that I have a school aged child. My schedule has been so messed up- as well as my already sketchy priorities.

But I'm happy to say school starts a week from today and thus the normal everyay routine of getting up at 7, getting out, walking, getting home, doing laundry etc is about to begin!

I have so many goals for the fall- no more avoiding my house- back to taking care of it.

No more avoiding my ideas and vegging out- I want to get thinking again.

And most importantly- no more avoiding my goal of simplicity. It hit me yesterday as I was heading home from a weekend away from the kids (it was our anniversary).

I have largely ignored my pledge of simple living this last month or so. Materialism is so deceptive and it's one of my biggest flaws.

But I haven't been totally shopping or anything- I've just had my mind on different things and the stuff mongering kinda came in through the back door when I wasn't looking.

I've been going through some spiritual stuff this summer- really trying to find out what I believe and research for myself instead of depending on what I've always been told. This has been scary, but productive. I love what I'm learning about God right now- and I've got so much more to learn.

So no more avoiding my practical everyday life- back on track. Back to my priorities of using and consuming less.

Hi....I'm back.

The Pursuit of Time

2007-08-02T17:19:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking...
Time. If I could really simplify my life to it's fullest potential, would I have more or less free time? What is free time anyway? I always thought that simplicity would require less time. In other words, as our lives became less cluttered with stuff, we would have more time to enjoy the things that mattered. Unfortunately, this threw me into a bit of a tailspin.
As I am beginning to un-learn the "more is better" approach to life, I am becoming aware that I don't really know what matters to me, outside of a few obvious things (i.e. God, Family, Friends, the Environment). So, like I always do, I have begun to obsessively pursue an answer, but finding out what matters most is a tough proposition. Life is always in flux, what matters now may only matter for a short time. Other thing may always matter. So what am I trying to find this time for anyway?
I'm not exactly certain what the answer is or if there even is an answer. But, I am beginning to understand this...
Simplicity does not often yield time. In fact, it often requires more time to take a simple and constructive approach to life. So, maybe, more time is not what is important. Maybe, like the Amish have found, simplicity lies in hard work and close ties to the community around us. By making a little place in the world with our friends simplicity can be found. Then all time will be free, because all of our time will be focused on the BIG things, the never-changing things that matter.

See-Saw

2007-07-15T09:40:00.000-07:00

Sorry. We've been really busy lately. Summer has been full of adventure and challenge ...and unfortunately, we have left a lot unsaid. Where to start...

We have been up and down a lot in the past few months. Some days, simplicity seems almost attainable; other days, obscenely distant. I was ruminating on the past few weeks today and came to a realization. Bear with me, this is a work in progress.

I have always thought that balance was something to strive for. I always thought that there was a line of sorts in life that each person could walk down and be balanced. If they strayed from the line, life was out of balance and therefore less than perfect. This metaphor seemed to work because it was always able to explain the times life stunk. It stunk because the person's life was out of balance. As I grew older this made less and less sense, but old habits die hard, so I stuck with it.

The past few months of our journey have been wholly different than the first few months. In the beginning, it was easy to stay on track. Our fervor made up for several holes in the plan. But, as time goes on, our fervor has been replaced with tired fear and; often, a sense of hopelessness. There have been many days where it seems impossible to live with less, buy less, be more sustainable. Sometimes we just feel like saying, "Ah screw it, it was a nice try. Where do we shop first?"

Today, I was reminded that this journey was never meant to be an experiment, it was meant to be a change in our life-rhythm. And then it hit me! Balance is like a see-saw.

If you've ever ridden a see-saw (and if you haven't, shut off the computer and go to the park immediately) you know how difficult it is to balance in mid-air. It's much easier to go up, then down, then back up again. The beauty of this analogy, is that it leaves room for life. When we're going down, we know that we'll come back up in a moment. Also, other people are involved. It takes two to ride a see-saw, it takes a community to live simply. Thirdly, we have a lot more control on the speed of our ascent and descent. All you have to do is shift your weight a little and the speed of your life can change dramatically, which brings me to the point of this post...

When we decided to simplify, we were on the way up. We shifted a lot of our weight and shot to the moon for a time, but with our head in the clouds, we laid back and fell out of the sky. For a time, we lost the beauty of simplicity in order to conquer it, we've posted about that before (Here). Well now we are shifting our weight again and are beginning to rise, slowly, but rise none-the-less.

Thanks for all the email and comment/post reminders that we are part of a community, we promise to stop being so distant and let you back in on our journey and our lives, as long as you promise to push up when your down and sit back a little when your up. That will make this see-saw work a lot better.

Need help with priorities? I recommend Rotavirus.

2007-07-05T11:49:00.000-07:00

Or whatever it was that ripped through my family this week.

We were all bed-ridden for the last two days, but it couldn't have been better for my soul. When everyones sick- you are down to the basics of survival. Water, simple foods, shelter. A clean toilet helps too.

My kids have been rough so far this summer and I've been having trouble liking them. Not loving them....LIKING them. But when they are all sick and weak and snuggly- I remember that these are my babies...my sweet babies.

And this house- when I'm sick, this tiny dirty house is ENOUGH. Not too small- just fine for now.

And when I'm throwing up...I'm not obsessing over getting another tie-dye skirt, or new fabric for couch covers, or new lip gloss. I don't feel the need to go out and get a fancy meal or a mocha- I'm just trying to get my stomach to stop cramping.

Yeah, it's kinda sad that vomiting and body aches are what it takes to set me right- but at least theres hope for me. I just hope I can see the light more often and with less bodily affliction.

Sorry- no photo this time---theres nothing you want to see here right now.

A princess turns 30

2007-07-03T09:09:00.000-07:00

This month has flown.

I mean- last month (June) flew. I cant believe we are already in the middle of the summer. Its so crazy how life rolls. There are days that seem so long and then, there are days you hardly remember.

In all this it has been SOOOO easy to get materialistic. Epsecially me.

My birthday was in June and that ALWAYS gives me a sense of entitlement. I really tried to look at it as a time for introspection and inspiration- but really, I tend to see my birthday as a time to go buck wild at the mall.

Like Matts last post said- we've backslidden quite a bit.

I always dump all my wants on my birthday. This year it was a new Espresso machine, a number of new wraps (baby carriers), new shoes, maybe a camera. I guess I just lose my head and start thinking of all the limitless possiblities as far as birthday presents go.

I always get myself into a slump over this- of course I cant get all those things. I think the problem is the fact that I even feel like I SHOULD have those things.

For example- the Espresso machine- the only reason I want a new one is because I know I dont have the BEST one. Yes- I'm that much of a snob! Or maybe princess is a better term.

Yikes. I dont want to be a princess. I HATE that term. But I should be honest with myself- that is my mentality as far as what I need to make my life happy. Sometimes you discover really scary things about yourself.

As far as reality goes, I got a lot of stuff anyway. I'm plenty blessed and my family loves me. I'm only really entitled to life and love.

So, I may be a year older, but I still have a lot of growing up to do.

Big Fat Stinking Do Over

2007-06-13T22:00:00.001-07:00

I miss do overs. Do you remember being a kid and missing the ball? "Do over!" Remember when you spun a terrible spin in a board game? "Do over!" I wish do overs were just that simple; but, like many things in life, do overs fade as we get older.
I'm not sure that we can never reclaim do overs, in fact I hope that we can, but it sure seems like there are a lot less of them to use when you "grow up." Well, right now...Carolyn and I need a Big Fat Stinking Do Over.
We've pretty much lost the edge and passion for change in regards to simplicity. We have slipped (not too big, but enough to impact us) back into consumerism a bit. We've given up and bought new a few times too many. We've made sporadic purchases that were unwarranted and unneeded. Most of all, we have just about lost all of our creative juice in making the whole thing workable.
We didn't realize how tenacious one must be to really live simply. It's like walking on a mountain pass, one or two false steps and you're cascading down the mountain side into an abyss. All this to say..."Can we have a do over?"
Obviously, our struggle has been in isolation (hiding from the accountability of friends and fellow earthlings) so here we are, laying it all out again. Hold us to it, we need your help. Simplicity CANNOT happen without community. Isolation is our worst enemy.

Blessings

2007-06-10T16:38:00.000-07:00

Such good things!

We are so blessed. All of us are. But we really felt it this weekend, I think. We live about 25 minutes away from a beautiful lake, and our friends invited us to join them in camping Friday night.

We have fished there before, but never camped as the campground seemed kinda lame. But they said they only camp where they have to boat in. And boy, was it awesome! We had our own little peninsula -almost like an island. There was no one out there this weekend, either!!

The weather was gorgeous and the kids were easy.

My friend found this beautiful moth on the shore by our campsite. It was dying, but this allowed us to be blessed by it and take in all it's details.

There are so many things we miss in the rush of life and it's never ending needs. Theres so much to see and feel and hear NOW. So many blessings just sitting on rocks or laying in the woods.

I hope to slow down more.

How to Ruin a Weekend

2007-06-04T00:10:00.000-07:00

This weekend sucked! Well, in the end...I guess it turned out okay, but it was touch and go for most of it.

Carolyn and I are in the toughest season of parenthood we have yet faced. Three little ones who all need different things at different times for different reasons. We are physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally spent. Knowing this we begged and pleaded some family for a few hours of wrestling our children so we could sneak away to a nice dinner. We wanted to eat where we could sit and talk without seven trips to the bathroom, without ducking flying pasta, without answering the same question asked a dozen different ways. We wanted to go to a place that didn't serve chicken fingers or have crazy straws or place mats that you color. So we picked the perfect place...

Have you ever gotten a call that you wanted to ignore because you knew what was coming? Well on Friday afternoon, our child care was no more...meaning our night out was no more. We had nothing prepared and were very low on groceries, so we packed the kids up and went out to eat. The kids gave us a little grace, but the evening was far from the romantic refreshing evening out that we had expected.

Saturday we got groceries, a dresser (we've need one for a long time and haven't been able to russle one up at a garage sale or thrift store so we went to Ikea and bought sensible). After half a day of shopping, we went to a family birthday party and endured a lot of jesting about how exhausted we looked, how tough our kids were, how we, "really should think about birth control."

Before either of us lost it, we went home and woke up to a mess on Sunday morning. We spent the entire day cleaning. We're barley within eye shot of finishing. But alas, it is midnight and we're exhausted.

I guess there is nothing to say...I just needed to vent.

It is amazing though; it's after midnight and everyone is asleep except me. I just went around checking beds and I cannot help but think that as tough as life is right now, I wouldn't trade parenthood for anything. I just hope my wife and I can survive it with something left for each other. But, then again, we're one being...so she doesn't have a choice ;))

Back

2007-05-29T22:53:00.000-07:00

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore.
Dream.
Discover.

– Mark Twain

I'm back...sort of. For those that missed it, I left last Thursday morning before any sane individual should be awake and began a long drive, some 1400 miles, to Nebraska. Four days later, on Sunday night at 9:00 pm, I arrived home again, a little different than before.
Any journey claims a part of your soul, but, in it's place it leaves a newness. A part that didn't exist in such reality before. Travel makes a person more whole than they were. Before I left, I felt a hole, an emptiness that had be festering in me for some time. I often speak of finding life in the simplicity of life, but, on this fast-paced long-distance jaunt across the country I found a little bit of life in complexity. Maybe the two aren't so far apart. Or, maybe they are so far apart that they meet again like north meets south at the apex of our little planet.
Any quest that takes you past the front door has the potential to change your worldview forever. Once again, I found that seeing new places and meeting new people was like breathing fresh air after a long dive under water. I had never before drank in the beautiful expanse of prairie that lies between Utah and Iowa. Wyoming was enormously empty. Nebraska, like another world.
I spent one evening eating at a local steak house. My Father, Friend, and I sat in a booth surrounded by local wait staff that had never met anyone from New Jersey or California. They weren't sure how to take us. They gazed at us as we belly laughed over humorous observations and long-winded tall tales. They engaged us on the most touristy banter we could summon. Most of all, they had fun as we did. It never ceases to amaze me that no matter how far one goes from home, there are familiar people always at hand. Humankind is built so well to co-exist, but, we fight it in the most horrible ways. Each time I go somewhere new and meet someone new I realize that I've met them before and I don't want to leave them behind again.
I drove to Nebraska, but the journey was going home...by a slightly longer route. Take the long way home from somewhere today and see what I mean.

*On a further note...I am beginning another journey on Friday. I will be joining thousands of other aspiring screewriters in Script Frenzy, a thirty day marathon to a finished script. I will be blogging about the mania at The Rhythm Journal. Please swing by and help me stay motivated.

A treasure on the roadside

2007-05-29T12:48:00.000-07:00

More karmic garage sale finds!

I have wanted some artwork in the living room for a while and just couldn't find anything unique enough to make me put it up. I wanted something meaningful- but not hokey.

I also have been wanting to collect old paint by numbers pieces- but havent found any that I liked yet.

Saturday I was in town and spotted this at a garage sale. I hit the brakes and hopped out- the lady told me I could have it for $2!!!

I love it- it's exactly what I wanted and matches my house perfectly!

Home as inspiration

2007-05-29T12:33:00.000-07:00

This statement has not exactly desrcibed where I live. Perhaps "Home as frustration" or, "Home as a lesson in character building" would be better for describing how I've felt about this place.

I've wanted to be an artist all my life, but I've never found my niche- I hope to someday. And I hope that my home would be a place I could be inspired to experiment and practice.

I always pictured myself with a studio and a big garden with funky sculptures. This would be where I could create. Well- there is no studio here- no place to put one. Not even a corner for my easel or a desk where I could sketch or sew or paint. I tend to feel sorry for myself with this.

As I learn to live in this small space, I am realizing I cant keep waiting to make it my space- the place I've dreamed of.

This last weekend, Matt was gone and I decided, since we had the paint and flooring already, I was going to redo our upstairs bathroom. I had some help from my friend, and from my mom- and I love the way it turned out.

The project inspired me to get out my brush and start creating a little.

And I moved downstairs to the other bathroom which was brightly painted but really lacked personality.

I went a little buckwild- but I never questioned myself and just went for it- and I like it!

Now, the rest of the house is trashed, but, hey, I'm catching a vision here!!!

The good thing about painting like this is that is cost almost no $$- I always have craft paint around.

Identity

2007-05-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

So much of this whole journey we're on is messing with our identities. All the failures and successes with doing the Compact and just trying to ditch consumerism has meant that Matt and I have had to take a hard look at ourselves.

My first reaction? Yikes.

But I feel like I'm starting to come into myself- I think.

For me, I have lumped my indentity mostly in what other people think of me. I thought I had it tied up in "stuff" mostly, but no, I'm sure now that the whole people pleasing thing takes the cake.

I have always seen my physical appearance as sort of metaphorical somehow. So, I felt it was time to say "I find my security in God." again.

I have had blue streaks off and on- but never this big- and I love it. It irritates the heck out of my parents- but I'm trying to let go of all that. I want my life to be about subversing- not adhering to the normal.

And I want to have fun.

Please excuse the poser face I'm making in this photo. I realize I'm not 17 anymore and I'm not on a photo shoot or anything (or a cheesy myspace). I have always taken a bunch of over-prepared pictures of myself to sort of find myself somewhere in them. But that is a result if not being happy with my real face. But thats another post.

Sitting Waiting

2007-05-20T18:20:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a rough week. I'm going on a bit of a journey next weekend and, as usual, I'm a bit anxious. I love to travel. I'm not very good at waiting though. My friend and I will set out on Thursday morning and drive twenty-so hours to a little town in the middle of Nebraska.
I have allowed the details of the excursion to stress me this week. I know the kids are feeling my stress and Carolyn is trying so hard to be supportive, but, I'm sure she wants to tell me to suck it up and relax. Why do I stress so much about traveling? Well, I think that it comes from a similar place as my consumerism. How are they connected? Well...in more ways than I first thought.
The fear that I deal with the most is the inability to provide. I was taught that in order to be a "man" I needed to provide several things for my family, friends, and myself. If I did not provide said things, I would be a failure. The list of necessary provisions include a safe home in a nice area, a nice car, a sizable bank account, a secure job in a prominent institution, a few interesting hobbies, and most importantly...a big, strong, stoic, frighteningly secure demeanor. The list is a tall order. I'm beginning to get past some of the preconceptions, but, it takes a long time to rid one's self of years of programming.
The fear of not being able to provide is compounded by our overly consumeristic culture. Because, not only do I have the preprogramed list for success, I also have society's list as well. Aghhhh!
Traveling adds another element to the muck and mire, because now I have to prepare for things that I do not know about, places I haven't been, problems I haven't yet considered. So, what do I do? I plan, prepare, obsess, and ultimately spin myself into a self-induced frenzy of self-doubt, anxiety, and fear. Will I have the right stuff for the trip? Do I have what it takes to succeed on my journey? What do I need for the journey?
As I have considered this for the past few weeks, I realized something odd. The best travelers were not very good planners. Look at some of them. Columbus was going to sail off the end of the world. Good plan. Lewis and Clark were going to see what was over there somewhere. Okay. Mark Twain went all over on a whim. John Muir wandered aimlessly. But all of them carried a journal.
They all recorded the journey. They noticed and recorded where they were, how they got there, what they saw, who they met. They recorded rather than planned. Because they did so, we can relive their journey and we can all gain the wisdom that only comes from leaving home and coming back some time later.
I'm trying so hard to not plan this trip. I'm trying so hard to go with the flow. It is tough, but, I'm going to try it.

Theres just no reason to buy new clothes

2007-05-15T19:23:00.000-07:00

Shoes, maybe.

But shirts? Blouses? Nope.

Now- if you are trying to look cool, then yes- buying new is your best bet. I can see even a high powered career being an excuse for some crisp new clothes now and then.

Another reason for new clothes would be if you cant find your size. Or if the catergory of your need is just not sanitary- like undies.

But for the average sized housewife in the hills like myself, I am finding SO much good stuff at our local thrift store.

A J Jill bra tank, awesome tie-dye dresses, jean skirts, linen blouses, sun hats. Even some nice dresses for the girls.

And I'm blessed that this is an old-school Thrift store that still sells clothing for $.50 or under. Last week I purchased a dress and several shirts with my pocket change.

I was destined to Compact.

Killer Alien Roaches

2007-05-12T22:42:00.000-07:00

It has become a tradition to get away for my birthday. Each year, for the past three, we have spent the time in Yosemite.
This year we drove through the rain and a sudden snow storm over the hill to a breath-taking site. Half Dome stood spotlighted by the only break in the clouds. Surrounded by rain, fog, and gloom, it stood as a testament to perseverance.
In our time, we explored small nooks and crannies in the rocks, woods, and river banks that we had always missed as we pursued more sizable and substantial views. Upon reflection, I realized that this is becoming more and more normal.
I am officially declaring that the funk is over, I'm finding new fervor and strength in our quest for simplicity. Here is the thing: simplicity is a journey, not a destination...that always sounded trite and pretentious (not to mention hokey) but, it is true. We will never arrive at simplicity, it is a choice that we make hundreds of times each day. But, the evidence that it is taking hold lies in the enjoyment of simple pleasures.
I shot the above picture of Violet as she splashed in puddles left over from the intensely cold rain. I long to find such joy in simple things as my children do. They can make every item in a camp site an adventure. Each rock becomes a space ship or a pirate ship and the ground between suddenly becomes hot lava or shark infested water. There is nothing in a child that says, "How can this be a pirate ship? There aren't any sails..." Children have an uncanny knack for seeing life as they imagine it, and they imagine it is good. They are overtly optimistic while most adults are ridiculously pessimistic. We can't do this because we don't have that. We aren't able to go there because this needs to be done. Our situation will never improve because of...
Finally I saw the space ship and cruised off to uncharted worlds. I battled dragons, swam with sharks, stepped over every crack in the pavement so the world didn't explode; and you know what I found? Joy. Right there, all along, waiting for me to turn off the "can't, won't, shouldn't," machine.
I believe that the wisdom of children lies in the narrowness of their worldview. They aren't concerned with anything they cannot control, this gives them very little to worry about. Add to this ability the faith they have in us (parents) and others and you have a very secure and well adjusted being. Sure, they get scarred about silly things (so do I), sure, they mess up once in a while (so do I) sure, they need help sometimes (getting the picture yet?), but, they can see that life is good, they see where life is good, they see good in all people, they find joy in the most simple things.
I'm tired of being an adult, childhood is a much better way to live. I'm going back. Come out to play if you dare...oh yeah, watch out for the killer alien roaches, they're nasty this time of year.

Happy Birthday to the man of my dreams

2007-05-08T22:12:00.000-07:00

Which IS Matt, by the way.

I can't believe he's getting SO OLD. :)

I am so blessed to be married to such a creative, thoughtful and intelligent man. He never ceases to amaze me.

And the best part is, he seems to get better and better with age- so bring on the birthdays!

He puts up alot being married to me, but we have an awful lot of fun.

Happy Birthday, babe- I hope it was a good year!!!!

(sorry for the gushy non-simpleliving post....I just HAD to do it)

All I really need....

2007-05-07T21:00:00.000-07:00

Quick post...I'm super sleepy.

We went to Yosemite last weekend and had a blast as usual. Ok- not a blast like when you go on waterslides or something. Yosemite is always different.

It's like going to Mecca. Theres something going on there besides tour buses and pretty sights crowded with a plethora of tourists.

It's like a cathedral or somethng- where you just feel spiritual and everything comesinto focus. It least- thats the effect it has on me. Something about the granite walls and the birds and the meadows. It drowns out all my junk and I can just be.

All my worries about stuff, my tiny messy house, my hair (thats another story), my family....all in perspective.

And with fresh vision, I came home ready to take on this journey of simplicity again. And with that- Compact Karma strikes again and I find myself overflowing in a material need we've had- sheets.

We have been offered 3 or 4 nice sets of king sized sheets.

Maybe not a big deal- but another simple reminder that we have all we need.

NOW

2007-04-30T22:42:00.000-07:00

Back to the books. I always turn to books.

We returned from Disneyland on Saturday night and began falling back into the pace of life today. Sunday was sort of a throw-away day as we unpacked, returned a borrowed car (ours needs repair), and went grocery shopping to refill our empty shelves. A good trip always leaves me contemplating life, the universe, and everything (to borrow from Douglas Adams). So it really is no surprise that I broke into the book collection--that I am having a rough time paring down--to seek some direction.

I love books. I love the look, the feel, the smell. I love the prospect of knowledge as you first open a new one and the deep satisfaction when you finally close a long one. So I looked through the shelves and pulled down a book that has been haunting me for a long time. The Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brennan Manning is scratching an itch. Many of you are probably unaware that until two and a half years ago, I was a youth pastor. I left the pastorate for a number of reasons, but among them was a deeply troubling murmur that the church wasn't anything like Jesus.

Jesus seemed to get dirty a lot. He was in the muck and mire. He loved seemingly unlovable people. He was all about love. From my vantage point, the church seemed to be more about maintaining the staus quo, a pseudo-spiritual country club type atmosphere, an almost elitist organization that kept people out by only letting certain types in. Now, with much reflection, I see that my view was amplified by my own set of issues; but, I still think the church is a few ticks off the mark. This book is helping me to see that my frustrations are not isolated.

The journey that this blog chronicles is a physical and fiscal journey but, it is primarily a spiritual journey (and a spiritual journey regardless of your faith affiliation, if any). We set out to find the truth. The truth is: a.) where you find it and b.) BIG, unmissable. What we are finding over and over again is the truth that this world needs help and our consumerism does nothing to help it...period.

The book recounts a Zen story. For brevity, I will paraphrase:

A monk, being chased by a tiger comes to a cliff. Seeing a rope he slides over the precipice only to find a snarl of sharp rocks at the bottom. He is out of rope to descend, he cannot ascend and face the tiger, and to make matters worse, two mice begin to gnaw at his rope. Just then, he sees a ripe strawberry and eats it with the joyous admonition that it is the best strawberry he has ever had.

Manning goes on to say,

Children do not focus on the tigers of the past or the future but only the strawberry that comes in the here and now.

That struck me, because it is what we have been struggling with lately. We cannot return to our past (consumerism) and the future looks bleak. We have often felt like we are running out of rope. But there re plenty of strawberries to enjoy. This problem is not unique to this journey. It is the same reason I left the church and the same reason that I am always looking to books for answers. I live either in the uncertainty of the future or the regret of the past but, rarely in the present.

I have only begun to mentally explore the ramifications of living in the present but, I imagine that it will be a lot more simple than trying to cover the past or prepare for the future. Jesus lived in the present and taught others to do the same. He didn't have a home that we know of and he rarely had his next meal planned. He often instructed his disciples to trust God for their needs and to focus on more important matters. Maybe the church would be more influential if it helped people now, where they are, rather than focusing on preparing them for the future. Maybe I would be a better and more complete person if I focused on what matters NOW more than what will make a brighter future.

Before I close I hope you understand that I believe there are good people, in many religions and cultures, seeking to better this world. There are many that focus on helping people NOW. There are many groups that make the world better in the same ways Jesus did, by feeding the hungry, healing the sick, forgiving the broken, lifted the fallen. But, there are also many churches that need to take a serious look at who they are following versus who they claim to follow. Like wise, I need to really look at how I can make the world better NOW.

I said earlier, that consumerism never made the world a better place. I really believe that. If we didn't consume so much, there would be less poverty, less waste, less pollution, and more quality time. So by slaying that Dragon--in any small way--I am helping to make the world a better place. My choices NOW change the world NOW and in the future.

NOW I need to go to bed.

The Happiest Place...

2007-04-27T22:06:00.000-07:00

...on Earth; that's what they say. As many of you know, it has been a season of doubt and frustration; so, we took off for a long weekend in Disneyland.
First of all, thanks. It has been so good to recieve the support of our friends and fellow sojourners. I am a bit underwelmed at the male response, however...I mean, aren't there any guys reading this stuff? Come on men, step up! Okay, off my soap box. Anyway, a long drive and some time on another plane of reality has slowed the wheels a bit and helped us to see how far we've come.
We are in the world of bigger, better, more, faster; but, we seem to be walking a little slower and more purposeful then the others. Okay, before that is taken to be pompous and self-aggrandizing, I simply mean that the glitter of this place seems to WOW a little less than it used to. I notice it especially in our kids. We were here a year ago, on a family (extended) reunion--so to speak-- and it was terrible. We had a great time on the rides and made some great memories, but our kids went batty asking for every trinket, doll, hat, toy, and treat available...and let me remind you, there are thousands.
This year, Wyatt saved his money--we also gave him a little extra--and managed to find one small thing, below his budget that he wanted. Violet didn't ask for a thing until we asked her if she would like to get something, she also chose wisely. Carolyn and I managed to only buy the CD of a street musician that performed an amazing set of children's' blues. Check out his site (www.fattback.com) and you'll understand why...or you'll need to get out more ;)).
We spent quite a bit on the hotel and the park tickets, the food is exorbitantly expensive, but, I think it has been worth it. We are connecting to the kids here like we haven't in a while. I'm beginning to realize how tough this journey has been on them. Not because they needed to change all that much (after all they mostly follow our cues), but, because Carolyn and I have. We have spent a lot of time worrying, and strategizing...okay fine obsessing about simplifying when, in reality, we were completely missing the point. Thanks to all who reminded us of this.
We are on a journey, there is no destination. It should be an adventure; like Pirates of the Caribbean, or Peter Pan. Sometimes, it is going to feel like the Tea Cups, or Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. But, at the end of the day, each day, I want to crash into bed laughing and telling exhausted stories of the magic I experienced, the things I noticed for the first time, the things that are worth living for. I want to pass out and dream dreams that pale in comparison to the days I have had. I want my children to see me as they do here, in "The Happiest Place on Earth." I want them to know that I wasn't forcing them to live with less; but, to live more, with less holding them back from a wild and adventurous life.
It amazes me how quickly simplicity became another addiction, something to obtain and own. As we have said before, the rabbit hole goes a lot deeper than we thought, but, the crux of the matter is this...we have been bred to consume. Even when pursuing intangible things, we go after them like we can hold and own them.
Anyway, it's late, I'm the only one still awake and we are going into the park early tomorrow for one more day. I'm going to make it magical and--hold me to this--I'm going to bring the magic home and remember to find it everyday until it becomes a habit.

Are we losing it?

2007-04-24T19:06:00.000-07:00

We might be.

Lately this blog seems to be more about our failures at simplicity than any progress or success.

Perhaps we need to let go of our ideal of simplicity that we have seen on other peoples sites or at other peoples homes, and find our own path.

Does that make sense?

I hope I'm not just justifying amendments we've made to our pact. It's so hard for us to know what is healthy and what is insane. I think we both come from homes that were imbalanced when it came to spending and material wealth.

Like we've said so many times...this rabbit hole goes deeper than we've thought. We've both struggled with depression over all this. I get a serious sense of failure most days.

Well, hang in there with us. Watch us lose it.

Sort of Sideways

2007-04-19T21:46:00.000-07:00

April has been a particularly tough month for me. Works sucks. I love the company I work for and I enjoy what I do--most of the time--but, lately it's a struggle to even walk in the office door. I'm struggling with balance. I feel like someone is rocking the world and I've had one too many drinks. The sky doesn't even seem to stand still anymore. Everything is moving and I'm...well...out of control.
I guess that's what this is really about. I feel like I have completely lost the rhythm of simplicity.
While this has been a tough month; in many respects, it has been blessed as well. I'm playing music again. Really playing. I'm back beyond the, "oh yeah, I remember the guitar," stage and I'm beginning to feel the music flow through me. It has been more than a decade since I really felt that, it's refreshing. This weekend there is a Native American Drum and Flute gathering in our area. I'm excited to go and check it out. I have played the flute for some time and I'm looking forward to more exposure. Carolyn--I love her for this--is forcing me (really she won't give me a choice) to take an extra seminar. It will be interesting to get some real instruction on such a unique instrument.
So, life is slipping a little sideways right now, but maybe that is just how the song goes. Maybe this is the bridge before the best verse, I like to think so.

Yikes...off the wagon in everyway

2007-04-16T17:03:00.000-07:00

I think the photo shows I'm a mess again. Everytime I think I get this place cleaned up I say "I'll never let it get bad again."

But here we go. Bad. Again.

I got rid of so much stuff- I feel like we cant get rid of much more but I still cant seem to get this place to a point where I can keep it tidy. I am so frustrated. I feel like theres just no place for anything to go!!!

I'm losing it!!!

No wisdom here...just madness. I'll hopefully give you an update when I get control of this place.

Spring Cleaning

2007-04-15T09:10:00.000-07:00

It has been one of those years; one where everything seems different. The fall was short and sporadically dispersed between cold wintery days. The winter was only in days, there were no weeks that felt like a solid season. Now, in Georgetown, we are waiting to see if it is really spring. We have a saying here, "It isn't spring until it's snowed on the dogwoods." Every year the dogwoods bloom days before the last snow. Well, they've bloomed...but no snow. This week, it even rained a cold rain, but, no snow. The mountains in the distance are marvelously devoid of the deep white that usually fills the rivers by now and we are left wondering what else will be different this year.
The rhythms of life seem off right now. I wonder how to recapture them, or is this another unnamed season in an unknown land as we journey toward simplicity. It is at times like this that I am convinced there is another world; an unseen yet wholly involved reality swimming quietly beneath the mundane. I can feel is watery flow moving the rocks I thought I had placed securely. Like a river bed in the spring rains, everything inside me is moving, shifting, unsettled and changing beneath the surface of life.
I feel completeley helpless to shape my future; restless as this other-wordly flow moves and places all things anew. I can only hope that when all has been moved and sifted that the bedrock of my life will be left clean and de-cluttered. That the action under me is purifying me in some way. I hope that the water is washing my soul and scouring the polluted past in preparation for a brighter future.

Writing

2007-04-10T11:32:00.000-07:00

"Maybe this is an aside to the whole simplifying thing, but I love to write. Then again, I think that decluttering our lives leads to decluttered minds and souls. So maybe it's not an aside, just a bit of a rabbit trail." -from my Journal.
I've been on a bit of a writing frenzy latley. I'm working on a screenplay for a contest deadline in June. This is the first time I have decided to undertake the writing process for anything other than entertainment. It's a bit odd, but, I have noticed that my muse seems less hindered as of late. In fact, the oddest combinations of stories and journal entries have begun to meld into a single unified story. One that is beginning to take shape on the page. Finally.
As I reflect on this, I am beginning to notice a new feeling. It's as if some part of my heart has been unlocked. I find myself seperated from the soul noise that has been so deafening over the past few years. I'm starting to feel, think, and write differently than before. Something has changed. My only guess, this journey.
Before we began this process, I wasn't truly convinced that it would make any tangible difference--except maybe in our bank statement--but, it has. I know, from speaking with many of you and from reading the comments here, that others are experiencing the very same things. I wish more people would give simplifying a try. I wish more people would take a chance as consuming less and find that the process yields freedoms one never expected. It's time for this world to change a little.

Post-Lent

2007-04-08T21:27:00.000-07:00

WE DID IT! 40 days of living without. Sure the things we chose seem a bit trite, but, they were significant to our lives in deeper ways.

Matt: I gave up Coke (see Shadows) for Lent. I wish that I could tell you it was easy and that I'm amazed I ever drank it before, but I can't. I decided to break my fast this morning and have a coke or 6. I did miss them, but the experiment wasn't a loss. I learned something about myself, I don't NEED soda, I CAN live without it. I also found out that my soda drinking does have significant effects on my body, to the order of 12 pounds in 40 days (with no other changes) so, while I am not abandoning it totally...I'm making a new resolution, 1 a week. That way I can still enjoy the things I like about it, while being responsible with my health.

Carolyn: I gave up sweets. Ok, well not sugar strictly but cakes, cookies, doughnuts, scones, candy. I was allowed ice cream and pure dark chocolate- two things I don't usually crave-but, would get me out of a dive if needed. I am a comfort eater. I do it to the point where I've wondered if I should seek help-so I felt it would be a good thing for me to depend on God for this time. The funny thing was, without the possiblilty of a gorge-fest, I often forgot to eat dessert and really had very few times where it was even a temptation. Amazing. And like Matt, I lost about 8 pounds. I think I will keep my lenten thing up as well with the once a week crazy baked good party if needed. After eating 3 cookies, 1 Reese's Egg, and some Ice cream today...I feel a little sick.

Through the process of reflection, we both realized that we do truly have all we need through the grace of God. This time of reflection was really proof to us that traditions do have important lessons to teach us. They help us to schedule change into our lives and see if the changes actually make a worthwhile difference. It is one of the ways our faith can help us in real life. It puts flesh on the spiritual and helps us to see the God that cares about the little things in our daily life that echo the bigger things in our souls.

Happy Easter

2007-04-07T23:07:00.000-07:00

Well, we just wanted to say Happy Easter to all. And what better way than showing off the faces of our offspring.

This was last Saturday at a community Easter Egg hunt. I was busy painting faces, Matt was "lucky" enough to be in charge of these characters.

We'll be posting about our aventures in giving up things for Lent in the coming week....I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seats!!!!

Ok, so seriously: Have a blessed Easter.

No Wallet Week

2007-04-05T21:59:00.000-07:00

In the seemingly endless pursuit of simplicity, I'm giving up this fat beast-at least for a week. In fact, I'm going to make it a psuedo holiday, No Wallet Week. Who's with me?
Okay, the truth is, I have been strugging this week to keep this sucker in my pants-please, the wallet:))I've found a dozen ways to sneak in a meal, coffee, a doughnut, whatever this week, so I'm leaving it home. I'll take out my ID and my insurance card, but the rest is on time out! I'm leaving it home where it can't tempt me during the day. I'm not even brining my ATM card. If I need money for something, I'm going to do it the old fashioned way and plan.
Yeah, take that wallet. I'm not putting up with your, "oh look at me, I have enough credit cards in here for you to splurge a little," crap! You can just stay home and bark at someone who cares.
Okay, I gota go to the bank and get a $20. But seriously, I think that leaving my wallet home this week will take away a little temptation and lighten the load. Who knows maybe I'll like life without it better. It's worth a try.

Feeling Normal

2007-04-02T16:09:00.000-07:00

So, I realized this morning that I was having a normal day- as far as normal adults go. Someone could drop by and I wouldn't be mortified. My laundry is a little on the heavy side, but over all- my while house is in order.

This is mainly due to yesterdays birthday party for my son. We went buck wild cleaning up since his friends know no boundaries when it comes to our house. The go upstairs, they go into the shed, they go into closets.

Then, after the party, instead of crashing and being super lazy, I actually did the dishes and picked up everything. Weird.

Now, will I keep it up? I hope so. If only for the sake that it is Spring Break and I want friends to be able to come over and have it be, well, hospitable.

I have good friends- in fact, one blessed me this week by bringing me flowers. Not just a few in a plastic bag, but a barrel full(as seen in the picture!).

I got to thinking that maybe there's something about me that prevent me from feeling I deserve to live in a clean house or something. Maybe. That sound like some fancy psycho-analytical stuff.

Maybe if I deserve the flowers, I deserve the clean house too. Oh, I guess I should catch up on dishes....off I go.

Time

2007-03-30T11:27:00.000-07:00

In simplifying, I have found that the most precious resource squandered in life is time. It's not really a suprise. We fill our schedules with clutter just like we fill our homes with clutter; usually for the very same reason.
"If I'm not busy, I must not be important."
Have you ever thought that? I have...far too often. In fact, that very statement has caused me a lot of troule in recent months. I didn't notice that the clutter problem had moved from my wallet to my planner until recently. Last night, we had dinner with some friends that we haven't seen in quite a while. They all asked where we had been and I proceeded to tell them about my hectic schedule, my tremendous comitments, and my lack of creative freedom.
"What ever happned to your video thing?" one asked me.
"I just haven't had any time," I replied. Why? Why didn't I have any time? Sure I work, so does almost everyone I know. Sure, I have kids, so do a lot of people. Sure, I have...wait a minute...I don't have a real excuse. In fact, I have been busying myself with many things that don't really need to be done. Things I don't even really want to do. Wow, this thing will creep up on you in the wierdest places.
A few years ago, I had the pleasure of traveling to Cambodia (if you ever get a chance, go; it is one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen) and during one of our excursions we got stuck in a downpour. One of the villagers offered us his home (hut) and we all-along with the family-sprawled out on the floor for a rest until the warm rain stopped. Everything shut down and everyone rested together, in the middle of the day. We layed there for an hour telling stories, singing songs, and took cat naps. I remember waking up feeling so rested and so alive.
Our "culture of more" requires too much movement. We commute to work, run to the store, drive the kids to soccer, ride the bus from school. I think that if we just slowed down enough to walk places-or better yet, lay down and watch it rain-we would feel less fragmented as people. If we could unclutter our calenders, our souls would have room to breath. We are surrounded by so much beauty (and I don't care what your surroundings, there is beauty there...if you're willing to see it) but we squander it to feel like we're worth something.
Our worth has never been contained in who we are, what we have, who we are, or how much we do. Unfortunatley, many of us-myself included- have often believed that lie. I'm going to stop. How about you?

Straw Hat Karma Community

2007-03-28T22:26:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, our son went to a birthday party after school. He and a few friends, piled into a van and were wisked away to a magical land know as Straw Hat Pizza; at least that's how he remembers it. Since that afternoon, he has been begging Carolyn and I to take him there again.
"They have the best games there, and the pizza tastes good, and they have Sprite," he has repeatedly informed us. Well, tonight we went.
I was able to get off work a little early and Carolyn has been feeling a bit under the weather, so I rounded up the two oldest kids and we made the short trek to Straw Hat Pizza to appease Wyatt and give mama a break. After ordering our pizza, we chose a seat and I gave the kids $5 to play video games. I told them that we were only going to spend the $5 and then eat our pizza, usually the money goes quicky and they cry for more, but tonight was a little different.
They never actually got to the video games, because Straw Hat Pizza has an enormous collection of carnival-esk games that spit out tickets. You can then take the tickets and exchange them for useless little trinckets. Needless to say, it takes hundreds of tickets to get anything of substance and the games are less than willing to give out said tickets. But, we took what we collected (65 tickets I think) and exchanged them for a rubber duckie and a coin purse. The kids were happy enough to finally sit and eat.
While we were eating I noticed that there were two other Dads (without Mama's) and their kids at the next two tables. I made small talk with the dad that was closest, "I didn't expect this."
"Me either. I promised I would take them to McDonalds, you know one with the play structure, but the one next door doesn't have a play structure."
"Well, it looks like they're having fun."
"Yeah, it's just a lot more expensive."
We both laughed and went back to eating. He and his two boys finished, and exchanged their tickets at the prize counter next to our table and then left. The other dad, who had a daughter, came up to our table and asked my son if he wanted a plastic soldier his daughter had "won" (she wasn't interested). He excepted and thanked the man. A moment later, it got stranger...
The girl that was running the prize counter tapped me on the shoulder and handed me a slip of paper.
"The man that just left said he got all he needed and asked me to give you the rest of his tickets, there are five hundred and fifty."
I was a little stunned; and at first, my thoughts leaned toward, "oh good, more junk." Then I realized what had just happened...a perfect lesson.
I pulled my son and daughter over and explained that someone very nice had given us some tickets and that they could choose something from the prize counter. Elated, they chose a little green lizard and a small stuffed lamb. By this time someone different had come to run the prize counter. He informed me that we still had three hundred and fifty tickets left. I asked him if we could pass them on, he gave me the strangest look.
"We have everything we need, can I give the rest to him?" I pointed to the third dad.
"I guess," the attendant stammered.
I walked over to the dad (the one who had given my son the toy soldier, "One good turn deseres another, there are 350 points left on this thing, let your daughter get somethiing she really wants."
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah, have a good one."
We walked out to the car and I strapped the kids in. I sat down in the front seat and Wyatt asked me who had given us the tickets and why. I told him who gave them to us and that he had enough to get what he needed so he gave us the rest, then we got something fun. Since we had all we needed, we gave someone else the rest.
"So another kid is going to get something fun too?"
"Yup."
"That's good."
"Yup."
What an unexpected moment. In a small little pizza shop in a nearby town, my children got to see what the world could be like if we all just took what we needed and passed on the rest to others. Pretty soon, the whole world would be fed.
"That's good."
"Yup."

Ready

2007-03-25T22:52:00.000-07:00

There is nothing quite like the feeling of a summer evening. Your skin is still steaming from the long sunlit day and the smell of freshly cut grass is everywhere. If you're lucky, there is a nice breeze that's not too warm wisping away the remains of your cares. Nights like this almost require a spread blanket, a cool drink, and warm friendship. It is easy on summer nights, to gaze toward the countless stars and dream of other worlds and perfect unity. It is easy to get too far into deep conversations about things that no one talks about but everyone thinks about. It's easy to see life for all that really matters.
It's felt like winter for a long time. This season has been remarkably mild for us in Northern California. We haven't see much rain and the tempratures have remained fairly warm. But, it has still felt like winter for a long time.
Spring smells wonderful, summer is a lot of fun, I adore the cozy reflective coolness of fall, but winter is death to me.
I have been sick all winter, I have been depressed all winter, I have been empty all winter. Worst of all, I gave up my one vice for the season...shopping. During the winter months I used to spend amazing ammounts of time in stores or on-line shopping. Even when I wasn't shopping, I was thinking about what I needed for this or what i needed for that. I used to saiate my ailing psyche with clutter. I would fill every space to push out the emptiness. So here I am.
Spring seems to be here (although we may get snow this week:() but it hasn't quite caught up with me yet. My soul is still thawing. It is ridiculous how much consumerism is embedded in me. It is under every rock, in every crevice, spliting me open like freezing water in the cracks of a rock. I know...I sound like a broken record, but I am learning that I have been bred to consume.
It is no wonder that America has become such a place of disparate economics. We are encouraged and almost required to consume, that it seems, is the American way. The pictue I posted was from a fireworks show near our home last summer. The fourth of July. The day that the United States stood up against the wrong in the world and declared that they were taking a different path. A path down a road that would prove difficult but rewarding. Again today, I feel like it should be the fourth of July.

Springtime

2007-03-22T11:33:00.000-07:00

It's here- and this year, it finally matches up with the weather, unlike last year when it was still snowing at this time.

I'm glad it's spring. Spring reminds us that things become new again- no matter how dried out and dead they seem.

I feel like I've fallen off the Compact wagon a little. I bought the girls shoes for Easter. At the mall. I put out an ISO for them and didn't get an answer- so I just went and did it.

Yes- the mall again. I should just say the heck out of there. I caught myself in Naartjie with armloads of dresses and shirts for the kids when I said- "Oh...what am I doing?" I pt them all back. It was really weird. Maybe I was mesmerized by the lights or something?

Spring. There is no Spring in the mall- unless you're talking about new spring products. But for real- there is no season there. The light is the same the temperature is the same- nothing blooms but greed and self-consciousness.

Today at preschool they are going for a walk to see the bulbs that were planted in the cemetery last fall. THAT'S spring. Life from death. Beauty in the Greenwood cemetery. Little girls running and pretending to be ponies.

It's apparently like pulling teeth to get me to stay down to earth and on track with these changes I'm making. I guess I should take it day by day and look at each days choices as an opportunity to change.

Water

2007-03-20T11:22:00.000-07:00

In the journey toward simplicity, it becomes apparent that many of the worst things in the world can be solved. Most of the poverty, hunger, and thirst of our fellow earthlings could be solved, or at least severley lessened, if everyone with the means would sacrifice a miniscule amount of their wealth.

Here is a staggering statistic from globalissues.org...Americans spend $8 billion a year on cosmetics; it would cost $9 billion to wipe out world thirst for one year. Simplicity, it seems, can save the world...literally.

This Thursday (and this weekend) is World Water Day. Take some time to sign up and get involved. Be a voice for the thirsty in this world.

I HATE these shoes.

2007-03-17T12:32:00.000-07:00

I bought these Chacos around the time my son was born, 6 years ago. I wear them a lot.

Lately my friends have been commenting on how cool they are a few of them have bought them for themselves. But- they got new ones. Nice colors, differnt strap configurations.

So, I hop onto Zappos and check out the new styles. Holy crap!!! Their are some really cute new styles. And one thing I've disliked about these is the toe loop- I would buy the ones without it next time. Hmmm....maybe REI has some on sale...

Oh, wait- I'm compacting!!! I'd better check eBay. Theres a few- I'll have to wait a few days to bid.

So, then, at preschool the other day- everyone is wearing their Chacos. One of my friends says, "I knew I had to get them when I saw how well yours have worn--you'll have those for years!!!"

Yeah...years. Great. Oh yeah... the toe loop!!! "I'd love to keep them that long, but I don't like the pulling that happens on the toe loop!"

So, my one friend, who's had hers for a few years says- "Oh, mine have the toe loop- I found a way to adjust them so you don't use the loop-- look, just like the non-loop ones!!!"

Thanks alot! Now I have NO excuse for getting new ones. Why am I surrounded by such good women?

Less is more...as always

2007-03-16T08:23:00.000-07:00

I went to bed at 10pm on Wednesday night, but was awoken at 11:30 by my friend saying "Time to go...the contractions aren't stopping!"

We had been waiting for week or two for my friend to start labor with her fourth child.

I was thrilled when she told me she wanted me and two of my other good friend with her for this, the birth of her last baby. I have an inability to perceive how people feel about me, and this made me feel awesome.

My poor friend was overdue and tired, and so news of labor was such a relief!

The next few hours of watching her ride in and out of contractions was amazing. The was her second home birth- I cant believe I've had all my kids in a hospital after seeing how beautiful and calm it could be at home.

She labored quietly in her bathtub and then on her bed. The lights were low, tea was steeping, the dogs barked here and there out in the woods. No beeping, no phones ringing, no machines.

Simple.

No blood pressure cuff squeezing every few minutes, no one obsessively eyeing the heart rate, no IV's- just life, as God intended. I was dumbfounded by the beauty of it all.

The baby was healthy and beautiful, needing nothing more than her mama.

I don't mean to get into the whole politics of medical birth and all, but I couldn't help but draw parallels to simple living.

We are so hooked up to the machines and monitors of this society. Media sustains us to the point where we barely exist without it. We want every accessory for every item possible. We substitute the artificial for the real constantly - sunless tans, treadmills, air conditioning, baby bottles. None of these things are bad by themselves- just part of the larger picture of where humankind is going.

I will treasure my memory of this birth and remember through my choices and mind set that what we really need is what we already have.

Warm Weather

2007-03-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

Our weather has gone from snowy and cold to warm and gorgeous. I am typing write now in a summer skirt and t-shirt, and sent Wyatt to school in sandals!! Violet is wearing a sun dress and I finally dont have to worry about finding a hat for Scarlet today!

So, things are looking up. It's amazing how a little sunshine can make things seem better. I guess consumerism grows best indoors. Being outside (comfortably) makes my brain feel different- it totally changes my perspective.

Right now I'm in a good place. My house is ok--I've been keeping my sink clean and things are generally picked up. It's so freeing to know someone could drop by and it wouldn't be the embarassment of a lifetime.

Also I'm waiting on a friend to have her baby, which is exciting! It will be the first birth I get to see for real (other than my own).

Things are feeling "real" again, if that makes any sense. At least for this week!

Out of the Canyon?

2007-03-10T21:46:00.000-08:00

Well, I slipped a little. We belong to the REI co-op. For those who don't know anything about REI, it is an outdoor equipment store, and a potential problem for me. I love to be outside. I hike, bike, geocache, fish, you name it and I'm there. Some of this requires stuff, some of it begs for more stuff than I really need. But, anyway, we joined the co-op several years ago. As a member they keep track of what you buy and at the end of the year you get a dividend check that you can use in the store or cash in. We haven't bought much there this year, but a few friends and family used our number for their orders and the dividend was a little nicer than usual. So off to REI I went. I came back with a new Camelback backpack which I found for 50% off plus 20% off and with my dividend it was free, awesome...I thought. Carolyn didn't.

She pointed out that even though it didn't technically cost us anything, I broke our pledge. She's right. It wasn't used, at least it replaced something I had to throw out, but it wasn't really something we "needed." I was a little perturbed at first, but after a little thought, I'm owning up to a slip.

One of Carolyn's best friends was up for the weekend and all of our daughters (our 2 and her 1) were spending the day playing together. Wyatt and I decided to skip the estrogen frap and get outdoors. I strapped up my new pack (can't return it, honestly, I checked it out) and we were off to find a geocache that has eluded us for a while. It was a lot harder to get to than I expected.

We started at the bottom of the canyon where two forks of the American River meet and began our long trek out of the canyon. We went through many different types of trails and talked about boy stuff (millipedes, rocks, poop ;)) and struggle to the top where I took the picture above. Forrest Hill Bridge stands in the distance, it is the highest bridge in California and the 3rd highest in the US. It really is an amazing site. As I sat here tonight, looking at the pictures, I realized something.

We have, as some of our new friends have pointed out, been walking through this thing with our heads down. We've been focusing so much on not doing, not buying, stopping, reducing; but, we've lost sight of the whole reason we got into this journey. We began in search of truth and joy regardless of our material status. We wanted to forsake stuff for life. In reality, we've just replaced stuff with drudgery, or become so driven in the reduction quest that we forgot how beautiful this world is and how many pleasures are ours for the taking. We're not seeing the forest for the trees, so to speak.

Yeah, I slipped, there's no excuse for that. But, one step back helped me to see how far we've already come. It also is beginning to sprout a (hopefully) more realistic view of the purpose of simplifying. I think we're beginning to come out of the first canyon.

Where we come from...(Carolyn)

2007-03-07T11:55:00.000-08:00

It all started on a sunny morning in Southern California....ok, I wont do that to you either....much.

I was born in Southern California to middle class parents in a growing middle class neighborhood. When I was 4 my dad was transferred to New Jersey, which was a huge change for my very Californian parents.

My dad loved New Jersey- and nearly dumped his telecom career for farming. My mom was ok with it too- she fell in love with antiques, but missed California. I was crushed at 9 when my parents decided to move to Northern California. I was leaving my green field and my woods for a barren concrete backyard behind an ugly stucco track house.

We lived in the San Francisco Bay Area throughout my Junior High and High School years- going from house to house (my parents liked to move). I wanted to become a fashion designer (my worldview was a TAD different back then), and decided on FIDM (Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising) in San Francisco. I love that city and was told I'd probably do well at that school. But my parents felt I needed to go to Christian College for at least a year- then
I could go to design school.

So, I visited a couple- one of which was in New York that we were able to see while visiting friends from New Jersey. I eventually choose Nyack, and so that next summer- I was off to New York.

I met Matt at college and we were engaged in my second semester. I dropped out of college before we got married and got a job as a dispatcher in the town Matt grew up in. I felt I had found my career! I loved that job. There was possibility of me going to police academy if I choose to, and the pay was great.

We were both working so much after we got married, and like my mom, I was really missing California. So, we moved.

I tried for almost a year to get a dispatching job here, but ultimately the departments were run differently, and the wouldn't just hire any old kid that came in the door- there was a ton of applicants for each position. So I gave up on that an took random boring clerical jobs.

When I got pregnant with Wyatt I was working for our friends who are Chiropractors- this was my first job here that I enjoyed. But after having Wyatt, I realized I was not going to want to work. I had found myself. I was a mother. And I couldnt have been more surprised.

I desparatley wanted a home to take care of and settle down in and hated our apartments. But with Matt working for the church- buying a home was impossible. When he changed jobs...I quickly begged for a house and put an offer on one. The only one we could afford.

It was important to me to get back what I'd lost when my family left New Jersey- I wanted my kids to be able to wander around in open space and hide in a grove of trees. So, we choose to move to the end of the road in a rural gold rush town.

I am sort of living my dream life right now. I love this community- I have amazing friends, and this town is about as Mayberry-ish as it gets. We get snow a few weeks a year and its not too hot in the summer. And we're 35 minutes to the nearest traffic light.

So, my only job outside the home is doing co-op preschool. Ok, not a real job, but it's work, and I find it tremendously furfilling. I love circle time- it is my chance to sing and be hammy without any critcism!!!

I hope thats a sufficient amount of info. I'm not the writer here...Matt is. (and he is frequently annoyed by my abuse of puncuation!)

Where we come from...(Matt)

2007-03-06T21:14:00.000-08:00

Well, several people have asked about where we came from, who we are, and why we wanted to change so badly...and since Carolyn is asleep, I'll go first.

It all started one cold New Jersey day...just kidding, I'm not going to give a total autobiography, just a small glimpse. (I'll save the rest for my next book) I was born into a middle class family in rural New Jersey (yes there are rural parts) and grew up as most middle class kids do. I had everything I needed plus some until I was in my teens. By then, my family had come into a little more money through hard work a dumb luck, so I finished out high school in relative wealth. I went (more like...was forced) to college in New York and studied Music, then History. It was there that I met the most beautiful and wonderful woman in the world and quickly asked her to marry me, but before the nuptials, I slipped out into the world for almost a year as a touring Sound Engineer.

I came back from a forty city tour and quickly married Carolyn. We started out living in New Jersey but decided that there was more adventure out West, so we loaded the U-haul and left our lucrative jobs for the browner pastures of California. The "job" I had lined up in Calfornia fell through while I drove across the country, so we spent the next three months looking for work. I finally found a job in construction and was three years into a new career when I made a sudden right turn and became a youth pastor.

Five years later, I was worn out, fed up, distraught with apparent disconnect of what Jesus asked us to do from what the church (at large) was actually doing in this world, so I hung up the vocational ministry hat and went back into construction.

My life has been filled with times of much and spiced with times of little, but I never failed to realize that the more I had, the less I lived...so after leaving vocational ministry and starting over, I decided that I needed to break the cycle and "live" to the fullest all the time. Thus this journey.

Some have asked about our living arrangements. This is our first home, but it is smaller than our last three apartments. This was slightly by choice, but mostly the due to the surge in California real estate over the past ten years. We never had the money or credit to buy before, but when I got a new job we were able to swing it and this was the first house that really fit. Our families thought we were nuts to get something so small, but we used the, "find us something better for this price," argument skillfully enough that they left us alone long enough to sign the loan. Before we did, Carolyn and I both decided that we would do everything possible to make this a permanent home, not a stopping point to something bigger. So this journey has been brewing in my mind for a while.

What I have realized about myself, is that I often choose things to make me happy. When I should be happy with or without things. Having dose not equate joy, but I often appraoch life as if it does. So that is what I am seeking to change through this journey. So far, I have found that this thinking is so inate in me that I cannot make changes slowly, I need to thrust them upon myself so they don't fall by the wayside. So if my approach seems radical or forced...it is by personal necessity. Also, I think best while writing, so many of my posts are realy soul exploration.

I hope that gives you a better understanding of who I am, where I came from and why I want to change. If I missed anything, feel free to ask.

Cabin Fever

2007-03-04T22:01:00.000-08:00

So, after last week and it's storms, I was left feeling a little wacked.

Wyatt had a snow day on Wednesday, and the other days were late starts- where they wait until the plow finishes (or until the plow operator go off their breaks). So we were all messed up and off our regular routine.

The problem is- I was here....alot. Looking around, watching piles grow. Wondering where the heck to put wet snow boots and snow pants. Trying to keep mud off my beloved couch. Watching "The Last Unicorn" more times than I can stomach.

Cabin fever.

I've heard people up in Canada and other cold places actually get sores from being indoors so long. I can see that. I didn't get any sores, but I grew a nice little crop of discontent.

I start looking around at these walls- they are pretty close together. Theres no where to go with anything. No closet to stuff things in, no garage to pile up boxes. Just this space. No place for backpacks, no plack for Wyatts stick collection. No bathtub. No dishwasher. I cant bring my piano here. I cant set up my sewing machine. I cant set up my easel like I did in the last place. No air conditioning. No room for a stove. No flat areas outside. No place for Violet to ride a tricycle. No place for patio furniture.

Did I mention no bathtub? (oh, I did...)

I love this house? Sometimes. But alot of the time it makes me insane. It makes me face that I have too much crap. It makes me think about what I really need to live.

I just need to survive the Cabin Fever long enough to not have a breakdown and start pulling real estate flyers. And perhaps a little bit of good old counting of blessings would be appropriate right now.

At least I have a cabin, right?

Outward

2007-03-02T11:52:00.000-08:00

We just passed the two month mark. As Carolyn stated in her last post we've, "been feeling the burn." This is a hard task, but well worth it. I think this journey is becoming more difficult becasue we are passing the fad stage and beginning a lifestyle. It's becoming easier to identify consumeristic traps, so, we are less likely to be "tricked" into buying something we need/want. Now, we are aware of the complexities and our "stuff" is starting to get the best of us. Let me explain...

Before, we might have bought somthing gratutious becasue we thought we needed it, when, in reality, it was really just a marketing created need. Now, we are fighting the same fight on a different plane. We are running into our wants, either for particular things, or for the promises the marketing makes. We are finding it easier to justify purchases because of our training. We have been trained that in order to be happy, we must buy. Ouch. So, needless to say, we've been looking for a good way to boost our resolve in this area.

I have always believed that the best wasy to learn and remain accountable is to teach. That being said, I think it's time that we take this thing out of our liitle sphere into a larger arena. I have no idea what that means. Any ideas?

Gratefulness

2007-03-01T22:22:00.000-08:00

Ok- I so wish I could have thought of a better title. But - more thought would have meant me giving up and going to bed. I'm pooped- Thursdays are crazy- full of all the normal run around school stuff plus violin lessons and music class. And being the low-capacity person I am- I get tired.

So, I'm terrible at this simple living thing. Just terrible. I am feeling the burn. Luckily it's more of a world view problem than a day to day struggle. I cant seem to live in the day that I am present in without grasping for what might be better tommorow.

I must remember what is great about today, and why today and what it holds is sufficient.

A few of my friends have had a week full of terrible stuff. Car accidents, cancer, family problems, etc. My prayers are with them.

Life is colorful, aint it?

And here I am whining that I dont have the wall space to move my piano here from my moms house. Kind of makes me sound like a crappy person.

I dont want to be a crappy person.

I have a blessed life and I'm grateful for it. I should prove that by using my brain for good instead of greediness.

Silence

2007-02-27T19:16:00.000-08:00

For the past three days, we have been living under the threat of snow. Normally snow is a great thing, but we live on a very steep street and it is often difficult to get out. While being home bound is usually a blessing in disguise, things need to be done. The kids need to go to school, I need to get to work, blah, blah, blah. So for the past three days we have been preparing. Turning the cars the right way, making sure we have enough milk, shoveling extra gravel onto the driveway. Life has been harried.

Things at work have been brutal as well. My department is severely short staffed and we have an unusually large workload for the season. Every hour has felt like an eternity, and my long commute has been stressful due to the weather. The rain has been so dreadfully constant that the kids haven't been outside for more than a few minutes since last Friday and their little bodies are exploding with misplaced energy.

Tonight, it started. Large wet delicious snow flakes covering the ground in shimmering white. The last rays of the unseen sun casting long blue shadows and soft white highlights. The air is thick. The wind is lulling a song out of our wind chime. Silence.

I took out the trash and stopped on the way back for a moment of reflection. Why does the snow bring so much peace? Standing there with the cold softness and breathy quiet was like letting my soul exhale after holding its breath for far too long.

The mall is my moon

2007-02-25T21:47:00.000-08:00

One of our favorite movies is Harry Potter: The Prisoner of Azkaban. I am anamoured with shape-shifting beings.

I love Professor Lupins character in this movie. He is the Defense against the dark arts professor- there to teach them how to fight off evil. And yet- he hides a secret. He is a werewolf. And like all werewolves- he transforms into this horrible beast when he sees the moon.

What does this have to do with the Compact?

Well- apparently when I see the mall- my pupils get larger, my claws come out and I start to growl.

Not just the mall- it seems when I travel out of my mountain town, I notice more of what I dont have. I start to notice that my teeth are yellow, that my pots and pans are cheap, that my clothes are irreparably stained and as always- my house is retardedly small.

So- should I just stop going out? Matts says no. He seems to think thats sort of freakish and agoraphobic. Maybe I need to work on my greed issues a little more?

I got completely depressed when we went into town today, and I'm sort of ashamed of myself.

Thats all. Thats my confession for today. I'm a evil want monster when faced with retail.

Shadows

2007-02-22T22:53:00.000-08:00

Well, we're two days into Lent. I have decided to give up a major vice in my life...soda. Okay, that might seem like a petty thing to give up for the season, but I drink a lot of soda. Actually, it goes deeper than you might think. I use it to escape. When I don't feel like starring at my computer screen any longer...soda time. When I get ticked off...soda time. When I'm bored...soda time.

It seems to me that the aforementioned (been waiting a while to squeeze that word in) times could be spent on more worthwhile activities. Like pausing for a moment of silence, prayer, meditation, or simple acknowledgment that I have all I need and more. Instead of drinking a soda, I could be drinking in a breath of fresh air, s view of the sky, a silent prayer of thanksgiving. So I've given up soda.

It's funny how small things can impact in a big way. The two days of sodalessness (okay I made that one up) have sparked a renewed flame for this journey. Why? Because, I have realized that the deepest issues of consumerism lie in the shadows of my life. Lurking in the dark places waiting for me to look away.

Carolyn and I were talking about the coming month and discussing some needed purchases. We were weighing the want monster and realized that we have cleared away a lot of the mental/emotional clutter, but the dust in the corners is immense. To use another metaphor, it's like weeding a garden. You start by clearing what is easy to see, then just when you think you're done...another weed pops up. I suspect that--like weeds--this will continue to happen for some time. And we have to be especially careful about the weeds that are growing unseen in the shadows.

un-Holy Crap!

2007-02-20T16:03:00.000-08:00

Ok- another post concerning how much crap we own.

I am drowning in a sea of laundry. This is totally ridiculous. And it's like this ALL THE TIME. I can think of maybe twice where our laundry what caught up to a normal level - twice in our almost ten year marriage.

We have downsized our clothing tremendously- we got rid of almost a dozen black garbage bags last summer. I'm serious. We *thought* we went right down to the basics. And we were close but look at our mess!!!

I keep thinking if we had less- it couldnt get this bad. But, what the heck is wrong with me?

I'd like to blame my washer /dryer entirely, but that wouldn't be fair. We have a stackable unit-thing, and the load sizes are smallish. I probably would do at least a little better with bigger capacity machines- but thats an issue right now. I tend to always want bigger/better everything, and the jury is out on whether this is me wanting bigger or NEEDING bigger. (advice welcome, by the way)

We are a family of five with one real closet and clothing storage is a constant problem.

This post contains no wisdom- just complaining and flaunting our problems. Enjoy.

Oh, and yes, in one picture you can see some nasty baby-stained sheets. I hate paper diapers.

Treasure

2007-02-20T00:20:00.000-08:00

A boy's heart is a wonderful thing. Every trip is an adventure, a question, a silly joke. The entire world is uncharted territory and there is treasure buried under every rock, waiting to be found in every creek, and he has been given the map.

We have been geocaching for some time now. The draw for Carolyn and I was that it gave us a carrot on a stick to keep the kids moving while hiking. The draw in geocaching lies in having the means to find something that a lot of others miss. Even with all of the information and a trusty piece of space-age technology (GPS) the treasue is elusive. Hidden away beneath the muck of rain soaked brush and dirt or stuffed in a place that no sane person would stick their hands, the treasure waits for just the right person to find it. Children are amazing at geocaching.

Today, we took a hike in our local nature area and I brought the GPS along. I have failed to find this particular cache on several other outings and thought it was time to try again. Mention a treasure hunt and Wyatt goes insane. He finds them most of the time, either on his own or with a little help from us, he is the master treasure hunter. But, on this beautiful California foothill day, he wasn't the first to find the prize.

We spent a few minutes looking when Violet, our three-year-old, said, "look what I find [sic]." Sure enough she had found the cache. In the small canister there was a single poker chip. The rules are: if you find something you can keep it as long as you leave something else. Since there was only one prize and Violet was the one to find it, it was hers. Wyatt freaked.

We've gotten through the initial stage of shock regarding this journey. We are getting better at analyzing our needs and our wants, we have trimmed the budget down significantly and we are clearing out more clutter from our lives everyday. Lately however, I have begun to re-think this whole thing. Why are we doing this anyway? Are we just doing it to be cool, or to piss off our families, or because we're really cheap? Also, is any of this going to really make a difference? Are we going to be any different at the end of this thing? Is there an end to this thing? Are we being too rigid, not rigid enough...

When I stand back and look at this whole thing from afar it becomes clear. It's a treasure hunt. There is something bigger and more worthwhile in life than stuff, than the next big thing, than consuming. There is an elusive treasure in this world that most people miss. Some people stumble upon it, like Violet. Some people embody it, like Jesus and Ghandi. Some people look hard for it, like Walden. Some of us are still looking for it and crushed when we miss it, like Wyatt.

Wyatt learned an important lesson today. It's hard to find the treasure. Sometimes others will stumble on it and it doesn't seem fair, but the truth is...it can be easy to step over when you're looking too hard for it.

My son gave me a gift today. A reflection of myself. I'm thinking this thing to death. I need to slow down and live it now. Carolyn saw a bumper sticker the other day that poked fun at all the "I'd Rather Be..." sayings floating around. It said, "I 'd rather be living right here, right now." Good advice. I'm going to bed.

Falls

2007-02-15T22:38:00.000-08:00

Every Spring for the past five or six years we have gone to Yosemite. It has become a cathedral of sorts for us. Carolyn and I experience the joy of the Creator there. There is something mystical about the constantly changing natural beauty that sits in stark contrast to eons of finality. It is there that we see the hand of God--who created--but continues to create, evolve, and change the physical world and all who inhabit it.

Yosemite is famous for its glorious waterfalls. Yosemite Falls (pictured to the left) cascades from thousands of feet above the valley, filling it with a breathy wash of rythmic white noise. From afar it is beautiful, but up close...it is powerful, dangerous and majestic. My Father-in-law and I spent half a day hiking up to the falls. We made it to the top of the lower falls and took this shot. In retrospect, the feelings I had that day echo my feeling today.

Life is ever-changing. There are new challenes, new ideas, new opportunities all the time. But most of us want to remain steady. We want to be stable, predictable, safe. We spend a lot of time and energy creating ways (excuses) to avoid new experiences. But safety is a fallacy. We all face the same fate. If we try to remain safe, we will slowly wash away like the solid rock of Yosemite.

As grand and imposing as Half Dome is, the river washed the other half away. That is because the water is ever-changing, alway moving, and forcing change upon the stagnant. Much of Yosemite was formed by enormous glaciers--frozen rivers that moved mountains. Today, the waters continue to transform the place.

I recieved an email from a dear friend today. She attached this quote:

Within each of us there is a herd of wild horses all wanting to run loose. -Wallace Hamilton

That is truth. And truth is big, wherever you find it. So I think it is time that we were less like rocks and more like water, or at least, wild horses.

The Center of my Universe (sort of)

2007-02-13T20:27:00.000-08:00

Yes, my kitchen sink is the center of my universe. Well, actually no, but it seems to directly correlate to the state of my brain.

This is my sink right now. And right now, I can handle this house- this mess, the Compact, all of it. For some reason I need my sink clean to be able to clean the rest of this house.

When the sink is nasty and full of dishes, I cant get a glass of water, I cant wash my hands, I cant get a vision for why I love this place. I could clean the bathrooms, or sweep or vacuum, but feel totally overwhelmed by it all. But with my sink shining- I'm ok.

So, I sort of stole this from Fly Lady. It's works for me and that's a HUGE step. Now I've just got to keep it up!!!

Oh, and by the way, that's my tea strainer hanging from the faucet- not anything weird. :)

Carried

2007-02-12T11:36:00.000-08:00

I cannot remember being carried by my parents. I'm sure that I was, but I cannot remeber. It is funny what one forgets. I remember being made fun of for singing "Zippity Doo Dah" in the bathroom at the back of the class in third grade. I remeber standing on my bed and watching my father mow the lawn when I was three. I can't remeber a single Christmas morning before I was ten. But I remeber most of my Birthday parties. I cannot remember what my parents dreamed about, but I can remeber--vividly--what they worried about.

Our children will have a tough time forgeting that we carried them, there are picture of them wrapped to Mommie all over. There are picture of them on Daddy's back. What else will they remeber about their parents?

It is becoming more and more clear that this entire process of deconsumerization is deeply changing the way we parent our children. Before, we spent a lot of time away from our home. Shopping, eating out, bowling, whatever. Now, we are home together, in a small house, a lot! The TV is usually off and the music is usually on. Our kids are great, but like all children they have difficult moments (often days, weeks, even months). The past few weeks have been especially challenging.

Our yougest (7mths) is fully mobile, crawling all over the place, "Bah Buh Bah," as she goes. She is into anything and everything she can grab. Our three-year-old is at a communication crossroads. She is begining to explore her emotional personality (hopefully she'll move past frustration and anger onto something else soon). She acts out her emotions a lot better than she can communicate them right now. For instance, breaking a toy tea pot over her brothers head when she is angry, instead of talking it out. The oldest (6 in April) is begining to read and write, he loves school and is picking up the violin, but he is struggling to get adequate attention. He needs to be carried.

The girls went to bed early last night and Wyatt did not. He stayed up asking questions well past the time that I was able to answer them. We talked about a lot of things, ghosts (real or not), games he is inventing (more complex than most tax forms) , and what he was learning in school (I'm not sure any of it is in the cirriculum). He just needed to be carried. He needed to know that we were still there to hold him, support him, love him.

He doesn't need the TV, doesn't need new toys (he'd rather tie some sticks together and make a sword), doesn't need expensive entertainment. He needs us. He needs friends. He needs community. This journey has been about finding the joy in simplicity. Well, here it is. A more simple lifestyle gets life down to the nitty gritty. What really matters is all that counts. And all that matters to Wyatt right now is that he is loved, that he can ask questions, that he can still be carried. How much simpler can life get?

I hope that Wyatt, Violet, and Scarlet all remeber that we were always there to carry them.

Now, if we could just figure out what Violet needs before she smashes something else...we'll be good.

Love sick puppy dog

2007-02-09T10:34:00.000-08:00

I guess I was born that way. I've always pined over boys. I'm not sure what I feel about that as a feminist.

Matt's out of town...again, so, I am mopey. (aren't we the most emotional people you've ever seen?) I was thinking today about how I feel. I feel like I did in High School when I had a crush on somebody.

When I had a crush on someone, which was all the time, everyday had hope and promise of *something* good, whether it would be a smile from the boy, or that he might actually talk to me. And some days I thought maybe he'd actually pick me up off the ground and carry me away as he proclaimed his love for me. Well, that almost never happened. :)

So, when whatever boy it was didn't show up for school, I pretty much had no reason to live for that day and the day would drag on miserably. I remember thinking it would be better to just pass out and sleep until the next time I could see him.

So, fast forward to college, when someone actually did scoop me up and carry me away, proclaiming his love for me. (now I'm talking about Matt, by the way)

The silly pining away has not stopped and although I now care for his children, I still feel like life is sort of lame when Matt's not around.

Now, this is not as bad as it seems- I have plenty of purpose and hobbies and life of my own to live, I'm just a sap.

So, I decided I'd try to make lemonade out of these crazy lemons and bake. I have that new-to-me pastry blender, right? So, I'm making scones for my friend who's been shut in all week with sick kids.

SO, I feel better- it sort of makes that whiney, mopey lovesick High School girl in me buck up and be a woman.

By the way- here's my scone recipe:

2 cups all purpose flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon of salt
1/3 cup sugar

1 stick of butter (cold) cut into pieces

Combine first four ingredients, the cut in butter until mixture is crumbly.

In another bowl, combine:

1/2 cup heavy cream
1 large egg
1/2 dried cranberries
1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon
zest of lemon

Combine both bowls and mix until you have to knead the dough, then turn it out onto a floured surface and knead a few more times.

Slice into wedges, brush with a little cream, and bake at 425 degrees for however log you'd like to- I like them underdone, so, about 15 minutes.

Enjoy--and do the right thing- make a pot of tea with them, or a good cup or coffee!

Hard work slays the depression beast

2007-02-07T08:39:00.000-08:00

The last couple days in California. the weather has been gorgeous. It's been warm, sunny, with a light breeze. But we have winter weather on it's way, so everyone around our town has been burning and clearing and doing last minute stuff before it gets too cold again.

Well, I decided it was time for me to finally get some bulbs in the ground that I never planted in the fall. I felt so much guilt about buying them, then never planting them. So, with the "fall-like" weather we've had this week, I felt I'd been given another chance!

I got out a shovel and planted on Monday. Then I noticed how much the pine needles had balnketed the area around the house and since the baby wasn't fussing, I went for it and just raked for an hour or so.

Then yesterday, I saw that it was a burn day (we have days where it's legal to burn and days where you have to have a permit), so, I gathered up some piles, strapped the baby to my back and burned!

I have so much guilt over the house and the way I let it get disasterous, but with a fussy baby, being inside seems impossible. She loves being in the wrap outside, and so this was a good way to get things done.

I've been so depressed this last couple weeks (yes, the funk continues). I even messed up a little and bought a baby sling from my friend in the preschool coop. I justified it because she made it with vintage material, but I feel pretty guilty about it. And the pair or wool longies I bought from her, too. I was weak.

But yesterday, out in my yard, looking down the hill at my house, with my kids collecting sticks and singing songs, and my baby asleep up against my back, everything was somehow ok again. I'm not off-track, I'm not a slob, I'm just here....now. And I know that all the sweat and yard work helped me get there.

Hello Hello

2007-02-06T20:01:00.000-08:00

One of the best parts of any journey is meeting new people. Well, this journey is no different. We have already met a lot of you, but we felt like it was time to get some more communication going...So, we have added an email address link at the top of our page (right below the "Subscribe with Bloglines" button).

Please, drop us a line. Introduce yourself. Use it to ask us questions. And then we can actually respond. Oh yeah, and don't woryy...we will only use your email address for personal communication, no SPAM ,no forwards, no ads, etc.

We look forward to hearing from you!

Like Riding a Bike

2007-02-04T20:59:00.000-08:00

Last fall, my son learned to ride a bike. He was five and had come home from his friends house boldly proclaiming, "I want you to take off my training wheels Daddy." So I did. Then we took him to a nearby park--that is a lot more flat than our property--to send him on the beginning of a very long adventure. When we arrived, he donned his helmet, straddled the seat and pushed off. He coasted for an instant and then POW! He got up, dusted himself off and tried again...POW! After several trys and a little coaching he pushed off again and went almost ten feet until the front wheel turned and he ate it, hard (thank goodness for the facemask). He screamed in frustration and kicked his bike. "I can't do it!" I know just how he feels.

As we pulled into the driveway late last night, the brakes on our van went. It's also time for new tires. Both Carolyn and I have teeth that hurt and the estimate to fix them is well beyond what our insurance will cover. A lot of the kids spring clothes don't fit anymore. I've ruined two of my best work shirts in the past few weeks. We need a new rug (seriously this is a need...trust me, we've thought it out in painstaking finality). Our savings are low. Our bills are high. I can't do this!

(Deep sigh) I am so amazed at how expensive life seems some times. It is no wonder there are so many poor people in this world. When I get into a cycle of depression because of concerns about money it urks me, which sends me swirling deeper into depression. This is a hard time for me. The fire in my belly is waning. I feel like it doesn't matter how much I cut out, cut back, give up, sacrifice; there is no end to the stress that money brings me.

Money traps me. Or, at least, I let it trap me. I have been trying to honestly assess my emotional reaction to financial concerns since we started this journey and I've realized that I have a LONG way to go. The problems with consumerism are much more deeply embedded than I previously thought. I thought that giving up the rat race was a sure way to defeat my fear but, at the moment, it seems to have thrust me directly into the belly of the beast.

Let me give you an example. My depression, coupled with sick kids, a hectic month, and a tired wife have casued a lot of tension in our household lately. My only time of solitude is during lunch, so I snuck away and drove to catch my breath. I found my self pulling into a dozen different retailers looking for a fix...literally. For some reason, the first thing that came to my mind in crisis was, "buy something, it'll make you feel better." I resisted the urge, but the realization was terrifying.

Anyway, I have nothing pithy to say. I'm just trying to learn how to ride this bike. Hopefully, like my son, I will be able to saddle up and do it. He worked through the tears and nailed it on the next try. It's amazing what kids can teach you.

Have you seen this shoe?

2007-02-01T21:17:00.000-08:00

Because I haven't. And I have a sneaking suspicion I may have dropped it somewhere. Which means it's gone.

And I am bummed. Sure it's just a little used baby shoe i bought from another mama last week. But the fact that I have already lost it due to the fact that I haphazardly stuffed it in my purse at the pediatricians office just steams me. (and yes, I did call and ask if any had seen it)

I'm doing so well at buying used and everything, and having to possibly replace something that I only received a week ago makes me feel like I'm not worthy of living this way. My stuff is disposable. And I obviously cant take care of ANYTHING. Not even an $8 pair of used Robeez.

I read an awesome thread on Mothering.com today about how this mama went to visit family in a foreign country. She said their house was totally uncluttered and they lived with exactly what they needed and nothing more. Then the discussion turned to our culture and how everything in Americas is disposable.

The comments struck me because I have always lived this way. It's OK to let your $60 sweater lay on the floor and get trampled- I mean, it's not like I can't buy another one. Or, it's OK to trash my minivan- I want a different car sometimes anyway. If I let my lunch bag get gross and moldy- I can buy a cooler one.

It's OK that I'm a disorganized mess- if I lose something, I'll just get another one. Like a shoe.

I cant do this anymore. My car is a mess. My kitchen is a mess, my head is a mess- and my possessions are getting trashed because I have too many and I don't take care of anything. Can you tell I'm a little disgusted with myself?

I'll try to clean out my car in case, by chance, I missed it somehow, but I'm fairly sure the shoe is gone. And it'll have to be replaced. Let's hope I can manage to take care of the next pair.

Mindspace

2007-01-31T11:53:00.000-08:00

Mind-space is a marketing term. Actually it is more of a marketing target. Large organizations hire professionals to emblazon potential clients with billboard-like messages that are stored in the seemingly bottomless memory banks of the brain. Unlike traditional advertising (billboards, magazine ads, etc.) messages that reach the brain are permanent. How many jingles can you hum? How many corporate slogans can you list?
The subversive nature of mind-space advertising is alarming, and powerful. Many of us do not consciously give over the space in our brain for advertising, it just happens by osmosis. We hear a commercial on the radio or see one on TV and suddenly we’re humming (all together now), “doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, I’m lovin’ it.” There in our minds is a bill board for a fast food chain...forever...without our consent.
I spent a few days this month in the Napa Valley of California. In case you are not familiar with the region, it produces the bulk of California wines. Many of the finest wines in the country--and even the world--come from this area. Several co-workers and I spent two days meeting to discuss the coming fiscal year and build camaraderie for the challenges ahead. One of the ladies in our group is friends with the vintner of a rather exclusive winery. He invited us to have lunch in his home while we sampled his wine and eat a meal prepared by his personal chef. As you can imagine, this was a perfectly superb way to spend an afternoon. The wine was marvelous, the food was delicious, the conversation was atrocious.
Many of my co-workers are very wealthy. They spent most of the meal discussing who they would be telling (bragging to) about his illustrious meal. They also spent a bit of time discussing which car, boat, second house, etc. they were about to acquire. They discussed how the french oak chair rail in the house was nice and rustic, but wouldn’t fit with their tuscan decor. They tasted the wines and the food and nit-picked about the littlest things.

As I sat there I realized that we have become slaves. Slaves to stuff. Our mind-space is filled with hundreds of billboards promising riches, success, sex, love, even fulfillment if we buy this, or go there, or have that, or do whatever. We live our lives believing ten lies for every truth. Deep down, we all know that a new car won’t get us laid more often and even if it did, it wouldn’t give us someone that loved us. We all know that a bigger house, a second house, a different house won’t fulfill us for the long-term. But regardless of what we know, we walk down those paths everyday. We eat at places that claim to be healthy, even though we know they are not. We buy stuff we know we don’t need because it fills a void, but at the same time it drives us deeper into debt and therefore deeper into work that many of us do not enjoy.

I don’t want to sound holier-than-thou, but I think it is time for a little truth. Truth is big. One truth takes up the space of hundreds of lies. So, here are some truths that I’m painting on billboards in my mind:

1.) If I have food, I am blessed. (It doesn’t matter what food because millions of others won’t eat today.)
2.) If I can sleep tonight in a place of relative safety and warmth, I am blessed. (Millions of others will sleep in dire poverty.
3.) Everything I own is something the poor do not. If I have two coats, I’m taking one away from someone who needs it.
4.) People are after my mind-space, I need to put security measures in place to protect it.
5.) A truth is bigger than a lie. I am responsible to seek and spread truth.
6.) I am blessed that I may bless the next person I see who needs it. Not the next person I’d like to bless.

Superbowl

2007-01-29T22:42:00.000-08:00

Okay, take away my man card, I don't get sports. I mean, I enjoy playing football or hockey with some friends and I like to ride my bike or a skateboard, but I really think sports are a bit out of hand. A lot of the guys I work with have been planning their Sunday's around the NFL all season. Now that the "Big" game is coming up, thy are like drooling zombies walking toward the TV.

I'll watch the game. But, I'm certainly not going to celebrate it like a national holiday. I watch it almost every year, mostly for the ads. I am a writer, videographer, etc. and I have always found a lot of creativity (after filtering the brash over-sexualized majority of the advertising) in some of the commercials. So, today as the guys in my hall puffed their chests about who would win I did a little research, on the commercials.

Each 30 seconds of air time (according to an article on MSNBC.com cost $2.4 million. Yes, I said, $2.4 million. That is $80,000 per second. The World bank estimates that 1.2 billion people live on less than $1 US per day. So, if my calculations are correct, advertisers are spending more than 4.8 million people in the world spend on food each day per minute of advertising. Sick!

Let's assume for a moment that there is the standard 14 minutes of advertising per hour during the Superbowl this year. In that time advertisers could have fed 67.2 million people for another day. How long is the Superbowl? Four hours? 268.8 million people.

16,000 children will die of malnutrition in developing countries on Superbowl Sunday. If advertisers re-allocated their funds for that day, what would happen?

The most disturbing thing about the numbers, however, is not simply in what is being spent on the advertising; it is what the people watching will do with the ads. Every company that advertises during the Superbowl will expect heavy returns on their $4.8 million per minute. How much? 100 times or more?

PepsiCo (Pepsi) is one of the leading sponsors of this year's Superbowl, according to Forbes.com PepsiCo expects $34.8 billion dollars in sales and $4.97 billion in profit this year. They are but one of the companies lusting after Superbowl advertising profits. Some studies suggest that it would only take $13 billion US to satisfy all of the world's basic sanitation and hunger problems. PepsiCo alone makes enough profit each year to eradicate one third of the WORLD's hunger. Something doesn't add up.

Okay, now my tirade is over...well, not really. What does all of this have to do with our journey? Here is the point, every time we choose to not buy something new, we slow the growth of these money-eating machines. But saving money for ourselves cannot ever be the point. We need to redistribute the wealth and resources we save to those who need it most.

Lent is coming up, I know that many who read this blog are not of the same religious persuasion as I am, but I think Lent (regardless of your beliefs) can add spiritual weight to our convictions. By giving up something we enjoy and using that time to reflect on our blessings and taking the resources--monetary or otherwise--that we would use during that activity and redistributing said resources to others is a sure way to slay the dragon of consumerism and embrace the spirit of global community.

Thanks for letting me stand on the soap box for a few minutes. Before I step back down, can I make a suggestion? Don't boycott the Superbowl. Instead, watch it with people you care about and gently educate them on how much opportunity is being missed. If only one person begins to think about changing their lives in order to bring balance to this world, it was worth a Sunday afternoon.

That Horrid Evil Box

2007-01-28T23:03:00.000-08:00

I have to admit, this one has been a struggle for me. I like to watch TV. I like the mindlessness of an episode of canned reality. So when we decided, a few months back, to dump the dish and stick with whatever floated to us on the air waves...I was a bit distraught. (So was the satellite TV company, they weren't able to comprehend that I was dumping them and not replacing them)

The move was born out of an increasing awareness of how much TV influences our daily lives. We were beginning to realize that weeknights revolved around the network schedule. We found ourselves turning down dinner with friends for the latest episode of whatever. But, even more depressing was the numbing effect on our children. They played around the house singing commercials. They tried to talk us into toys with the selling points from advertisements, they were beside themselves when the TV was off.

It's been a little more than two months now. There have been times when we missed it, but this weekend we were reminded why we made the choice. We went to the local thrift store on Saturday to look for a rug (our house collects quite a bit of dirt and our current rug is well beyond capacity or cleaning). We didn't see anything so we asked the lady at the counter if she had seen anything come in.

"No," she said, "but there is a 27" TV back there if you'd like." I'm not sure how the two were connected. We politely declined and asked her to give us a call if something showed up. Today (Sunday) we had dinner with our extended family and immediately after dinner, the tube was on. I was amazed at how much advertising and cross marketing was going on. The most disturbing was a pharmaceutical ad set to the music and animated pictures of Happy Feet. What on earth does the flu have to do with a movie about dancing penguins (a premise that confuses me anyway, ahh...maybe it's so bizarre it makes you ill)? Needless to say, we will not be going back anytime soon.

Take a risk, dump the dish. Cut the cable. Just take back your life from that horrid evil box.

What a funk looks looks like

2007-01-26T08:58:00.000-08:00

"Hey! We're Compacting!"

Sounds like fun, right? But what if you take comfort in shopping?

This last week I realized more will have to change in me if this is going to work. I have a tendency towards depression, and for me, dperession means hours of doing the bare minimum of living. Driving kids to school, eating and sleeping.

And my normal vice is gone. I can usually drive down into town and shop a little, then buy myself a nice dinner. I'VE GOT TO STAY HERE. I've got to face the REAL.

Which mean I've got to deal with my kids- graciously. I've GOT to pick up dirty clothes and put clean ones away. I've GOT to take a shower. (seriously- when I'm down- my hair gets braided, I throw on a scarf, and use lots of lavender oil to mask any smells.) (sad but true.)

It's so funny that my posseions are causing so much problems with my life. Not being to get stuff stinks, not be able to take care of the stuff I have....ugh! No more stuff!

I'm feeling better today, but I am left with my house in a shambles. Will I be able to un-bury myself and get all my stuff together? I hope so.

I included pictures to show you what my house looks like RIGHT now. This is what a funk looks like for me. I'll update when I'm on top of things.

A Victory

2007-01-25T10:06:00.000-08:00

My father has been in town for the past few days. Whenever out-of-town family are in town, things tend to be a bit harried. Well this time was no different. Usually, when my father is in town, we eat out a lot--usually every meal. So, when my father called me yesterday and wanted to take us out to dinner I blindly excepted. I called Carolyn to work out the details and was blindsided by her response.

"Why can't we just eat at home? I'll cook something."

Well, she did and it was fabulous! My father was very suprised. When he and I were alone for a moment he said suprisingly, "I didn't know she could cook." That put a smile on my face for several reasons. The most important one was that I knew Carolyn has made a dramatic change in lifestyle. She is really living out what this journey was supposed to challenge. Also, he cooking is getting better and better.

So, long story short...MY WIFE ROCKS! I love you babe!

Head Down

2007-01-22T11:41:00.000-08:00

My son, my nephew, and my father joined me for a hike on Sunday afternoon. I planned on taking them all to one of my newest favorite places. There is a new regional trail system in our area that winds its way through rolling oak infested hills and down to a beautiful stretch of the American River. We planned on hiking down to the river and panning for gold. I've found quite a bit on the American and I thought I would share a bit of fun and history with my family.

We strolled down the trail quickly and arrived at the river with baited breath. What treasures did the river hold? The young boys were ready to stake a claim and begin their cowboy lives living near the river. They were busy exploring the rock outcroppings past a gravel beach while I set up to clean out a few small crevices in the rocks that might yield gold. As I dug through my pack, my father noticed a change in the river.

"Matt, I think the river is coming up," he said a little anxiously.

"Yeah it might come up and go down a little, they are probably adjusting the dam upstream." I responded in a dry unresponsive tone, which he noticed and thankfully didn't stand for.

"No, I'm serious, I think we need to move!"

I'm glad that he forced me out of my haze, he was right. We quickly gathered our things and began to retreat over the rocks only to find ourselves on a quickly shrinking island. We moved quickly to the narrowest part of the rising river and jumped to the other side with only wet shoes. The river continued to rise almost 3 vertical feet, breaching the gravel bar and leaving the rock outcropping completeley under water.

There are many metaphores for life, but this experience shed bright light on my present state. In life, we often lose sight of the big picture in order to consentrate on the details. We forget about what is really important to take care of what is at hand. We forget to look around and notice the river rising and cutting us off from everything that matters. Once we finally look around (usually too late) we find ourselves stranded on an island questioning where it all went wrong and when it all happened.

I have been experiencing a rising river in my life for some time. I am never content. I don't live NOW. I live in some ethereal future. A places where, "things will be better someday." A place where my worth is determined by what I have, what I do, and who knows my name. In some small way, I have been aware of this--although I have become quite adept at ignoring it--for some time, but a journey that challenges this thinking at its core really lets the dam loose.

So for now, I need to keep my head up. I need to force myself to look around and find an exit from the rising waters before they claim me or leave me stranded. I need to act fast, I cannot wait to see if the river is just rising a little, because a little might be too late.

There are some big truths to paint into my mental canvas, but that is another post.

Searching out the footholds

2007-01-20T19:16:00.000-08:00

I hear people talk about Satan having "footholds" in their lives. In this time of renewing my faith, I'm still painfully aware of things that seem to never change in me.

Like my sense of entitlement.

I realize that no matter how much I simplify and get in the groove of real life and out of wanting stuff, I STILL feel like I should someday have better.

I'm mostly talking about this house. Through all the fondness I feel for this place, and all my determination to change the way I look at what I need- I harbor this tiny voice that says, "Yeah, but...come on! How much longer are you going to stay here?"

I realize that this is something I'm going to have to pulverize. I've got to continually let go of this little tiny voice and move beyond it.

I have so many little things like this that I write off as natural or reasonable. But that doesn't make them right. I've got this inner yucky person that creeps out now and them- climbing up into my daily life on these footholds that I ignore.

As I'm trying to be vigilant with my possessions, it's times I'm vigilant with myself. Yuck.

Mountain Kids Preschool

2007-01-18T21:36:00.000-08:00

I mentioned something in my last blog about our preschool, and just feel like I should say more.

Last year- some other mamas and I banded together and formed a Preschool co-op. We were thrilled to learn that if we didn't charge any money, we could start a school without liscensed teachers in any location we want!

Then we were approached by First Five- a goverment program that gets money from cigarette taxes. They told us we were eligible for a grant!

Next we aquired usage of a historic Schoolhouse right in the middle of where we all live! It needs alot of work, but with the preschool using it, the schoolhouse has gotten alot of attention and it has since been painted, and is set to be re-roofed. We are so happy to see this great old building used as a school again.

School has been going since September and we are astounded at how well it has been going. We got our grant- and though we realized we could suvie on no money- the supplies we can buy will really make things easier and mean less prep for all of our busy moms!

So, I just had to share. More evidence that hard work and creativity can circumvent spending bigs bucks on anything.

Compact Karma?

2007-01-18T21:31:00.000-08:00

SO- it's happening- just like people told us!

We are getting the stuff we need used- even the pesky little stuff- but also great stuff we just want!

I have wanted longies for Scarlet (wool pants to go over cloth diapers)- but didn't want to spend much $$ on them.

Well- along comes a new mom to our preschool co-op (which is also a blessing we get for free), who makes diapers and covers. Today- she stinkin GAVE me a sweater, shirt, and matching longies as well as a fitted diaper she made. Just stinkin' gave them to me!

Thanks Jessica!

These are the kinds of blessings that keep coming along- if it wasn't kinda late- I would post about more.

When I'm most tempted

2007-01-17T10:09:00.000-08:00

There is something about me that causes me to overindulge when I'm lonely and bored. I'm just one of those people who can't seem to fill the time when I'm alone. Now- lets make it clear that I'm never truly alone- I have kids with me all the time.

But this morning Matt left for a company retreat for three days.

Here's a normal day when Matt's out of town: My first instinct is to go to the grocery store- buy some Oreos and some TV dinners. Go home, go online and browse a little. Then pick up my son from school- go down into town and go to Target or even the mall. Grab some dinner at Pasta Pomodoro, grab some Starbucks and a magazine. Then go home and go to bed.

So- YIKES! That is wrong in so many ways right now.

First of all- I don't go to our grocery store anymore- I tend to over spend there, and we've just found that sticking with a bi-weekly trip to Trader Joe's is better for us. The food I'd buy would be for binge purposes only. I cant do that anymore! It's not right!

Then, wasting all my home time on the computer; shopping for more than we need right now is wrong.

Taking the kids down the hill to go shopping is against our pledge. We need nothing at Target- in fact I'm not going to Target right now. Even though there's health items there- it's just too tempting. And the mall- I've always loved the mall, but right now it just seems like such a waste of space to me.

Going to Pasta Pomodoro is the toughy for me. Going out to dinner is something we all thoroughly enjoy and dont plan to give up. But tonight? Is that the wisest decision?

Starbucks...sheesh- I have an expensive Barista machine here at home and tend to be more satisfied by my own Lattes than the ones I buy there.

So, what now? Why is it so hard for me to have Matt gone?

Do I not have enough to do around here? Laundry is piled high- the kids rooms is a disaster again. I have plenty to do. Why do I want to get out?

I have no solution for myself right now- no wise exposition on time management. Just some frustrated run on sentences. Thanks for reading, though!