All I really need is my brain.

I was mildly picked on in middle school. Nothing too serious or scarring- just the normal "hey, you look like a boy" you might expect a late bloomer with an unfortunate haircut to receive in 6th grade.

The teasing didn't bother me as much as the sheer lack of attention from ANY of my classmates- I was invisible and I hated it.

I had one place of solice in those times where I was alone and no one was interested in talking to me. It was my stories. They were in my head and mostly resulted in me talking to myself (which didn't help my social scene). I loved where my mind went and I spent hours fine tuning the worlds that existed in my head.

Somewhere along the line I got to the point where I needed a bra (a HUGE step for me in my adolescence), and seemed to gain enough confidence to actually hang out with a group of people. And I talked to myself less, at least in public. The stories never went away.

Here we are, 2007 and for the second time, I've signed up for NaNoWriMo. Whats that, you ask? November is National Novel Writing Month and within a few minutes of registration0 you can sign yourself up to the challenge of churning out 50,000 words in 30 days.

Matt was a finisher last year, and I am so proud. I signed up and came in around oh, say 400 words. But I'd just had a baby and it was Wyatts first year of school, yada, yada, yada.

No excuses this year.

I continue to be that weird kid on the outskirts in many ways. I'm still terrifed of being ignored. Some things never change. And now I have the added disfunction of being a materialistic glutton.

I had a sort of social break down a few weeks ago- no a big deal- I just sort of threw a fit and gt depressed because no one liked me...that old chestnut. And around the same time started a stuff binge that involved hours and hours of selling my stuff in order to get new and better stuff and resulting in losing more money in shipping costs at the close of it all.

Then I saw a light...new inspiration on my journey to free myself from this sort of garbage.

I still have my stories. And I'm signed up for this thing...I've GOT to do this. I've got the material in my head....it's time to stop thinking about better cotton tights for the girls, or, new bathroom rugs, and start conceptualizing my novel. Time to forget about whether or not my friends just tolerate me and start using my creativity for once.

Why do I need all this stuff when I've got these ideas that have fascinated me forever? Is that not a gift?

All I really need is my brain. (and love, and God....yeah, yeah, yeah....I know)

And I have to say...what ever happened to that AWESOME tapestry vest I was wearing? Now theres a look that hasn't come back around.

Rocks

I have a lot of rocks. I was picking up around the house last night and I must have found two dozen. Some are very small, others are about the size of a baseball. Some are really beautiful, others are rather plain. No matter how big, small, pretty, or ugly they are; I love them. They are my rocks. Picked up off the ground by my children and given specifically to me. They were thinking of me when they saw them, that makes me smile.
Last night I was awake much later than everyone else. I was able to really get some thinking done. We are heading into the leanest month of the year. November is historically very tight financially. Our home taxes are due, we have to fill the propane tank for the coming cold, Christmas shopping begins, the cars need service for the approaching winter. So naturally--no, not naturally...I guess it's a learned behavior--I begin freaking out. How are we going to do it? How are we going to afford gifts? Can we skimp on the propane? Do we really need new brakes?
When I begin to spin out of control like this, it usually leads to depression, but not this time. As I was cleaning...when I saw my rocks, it hit me again. Everything will be okay. My wife and children love me.
Children are a great reminder that we don't need things to make us happy. The smallest things mean so much to them. They give me the best gifts because they give me a piece of themselves with every rock. I love that my kids have no idea how much a house costs, how much food costs, or how much Daddy makes. It doesn't really matter to them.
So standing at the beginning of a desert journey, I realize that I have everything I need. I have my family. I have my rocks.

Weekend Weary

The title says it all. We are weekend weary. It seems like every weekend has become a chore. What happened? I remember when weekends were fun and exciting, but right now they seem like too much effort for too little reward.
Don't get me wrong, the weekends aren't all bad...for instance, this Saturday, we spent the day at a local kids expo that was full of crafts, music, and games. Everything was free and it really was a lot of fun. I (Matt) was able to spend a little one-on-one Daddy time with each kids, which was nice for a change. But, Sunday...Sunday was rough. It seems like our kids are never happy unless we are 100% engaged. Obviously this means that someone is always crying, screaming, or complaining. What is going on? We love being parents, but this is insane!
I guess the point of this post is to ask for suggestions. What do other families do on weekends? Is there a way that someone has found to squeeze a little house-work in with fun engaging activity? What does everyone's weekend schedule look like? Seriously, we are open to hear all suggestions. We are feeling a bit lost in this. Thanks in advance.

I just wanna change the world

Is that so wrong?
OK- I'm not much of a "self starter". I am unmotivated, unreliable, easily bored, etc. Jobs have always been hard for me. Wow. That sounded bad. Let me put it this way: I didn't finish college (at all), and never got that one big job. I have held an assortment of lame jobs that I felt no connection to.
Thank GOD for motherhood and the ability to NOT work. Phew. But, now I'm gone everyday, working at our preschool co-op, or going to story time, or whatever kid related thing I signed up for that day. And I freaking love it. I've had the chance to use some of my real actual gifts (aside from the one I used previously....alphabetizing files).
I get to sing, draw, create, etc, and it's been really great.I've also been able to spread my love of baby wearing, breastfeeding and all things earthy and fun.
This Saturday there is a Kids Expo and I'm excited that our Co-op gets a booth and we are using it for Natural parenting advocacy! We are bringing cloth diapers, baby carriers, and tons of resources and info for parents to peruse or possibly ridicule (hopefully not that last one!!!). I'm very excited!
I get a little too crazy though, as Matt would tell you. I take on too much. I cant follow through on everything I commit to. And I'm realizing how contrary that is to the "Simple" life I want.
I'm just glad I'm doing SOMETHING....FINALLY. I need to learn some balance.

Dream World

"You've been living in a dream world, Neo." Morpheus haunts me. I had a professor that looked, acted, and talked just like the character from the Matrix. When we were still in college, he took Carolyn and I out to dinner in a little over-priced bistro in Nyack, NY. I don't remember much about the dinner, but I will never forget our conversation later that night.

Dr. M (we'll call him) was a very interesting man, he regularly left for days on end to play piano for Russian and Chinese Royalty, but he lived in our dorm building, in a small dorm room (at least he had a private bath) right between students. Every morning he walked the halls in his bathrobe and was a regular at all of the guy's dorm happenings. But he carried himself with grandiose stature and commanding presence. He was also very mysterious, mischievous and wise beyond words. He took a small handful of us into his care and built into us in ways that I am just now beginning to understand. To some he was like a father. To others, he was like a brother. To me, he was like a sage.

Like many college students, I was rambling through life without much experience. He gave me plenty in very little time. He was well versed in all of the subjects that intrigued me: philosophy, art, music, literature. He spoke of them on levels that I had never considered and forced me to keep up with his ramblings. So, when we returned from dinner and Carolyn had gone up to her room I was anxious for his take on my newfound love.

Dr. M, dressed in a dapper suit complete with a long black trench coat (I kid you not, he seriously looked like Morpheus and talked with the same calculated deep tone), stopped walking, put his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes.

"Carolyn is a very special girl. She is exactly what you need." He turned and walked away. So did I. "Also, Matt...you don't deserve her."
His last line bothered me. Why not? Why don't I deserve her? Of course I do! But now, I understand.

We live in a world of plenty. But, very few of us have any. And those of us that have, have a lot. Those of us that have, feel entitled. The media tells us that we deserve a lot of things. We tell each other that we deserve better. We tell ourselves that we deserve the best. But, really, none of us deserve anything.
So, when we get a shiny new thing (whatever it is) we call it a blessing, or a happy stroke of luck. But, if getting things is a blessing, then why do millions of people not get blessed? That does not jive with my understanding of God, the Universe and everything.

Thoreau said, "A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone." I think he is on to something. Maybe the "things" that we work so hard for are really challenges, tests, opportunities. They are not blessings. That makes more sense. Those of us that have more, are more challenged than those with less. So what do we do with the entitlement mentality? Toss it.

When Dr. M told me that I didn't "deserve" Carolyn, he was bringing up a very good point. She was a challenge for me (and still is :)) and to think I deserved her love was to completely miss the point of our relationship. He later elaborated on why Carolyn was good for me. And I took all he said in. Most of it did not make sense for a long time. But now I realize the truth, "there is no spoon," (sorry, I couldn't resist) but seriously, the truth is that Carolyn and I are perfectly matched.

Okay, this has been a long way to the point, so thanks for hanging in there. Carolyn and I are living in a dream world right now. Nothing is as it seemed. Our world view is changing. Our perspective on God is changing. Our needs, wants, dreams are changing. In a very real sense we feel lost at sea. But, we are also pretty sure that we're heading in the right direction. I'm glad that we are together on this journey. Dr. M was right, I don't deserve her, but, she's exactly what I need.

Somewhere Else

Ah, Fall is in the air. It is cooling down and the trees are beginning to turn. I love the fall. Every sense in me awakens during this season. The air smells better, the light is more abstract and the food tastes better.
We spent Saturday in Apple Hill, a collection of small apples orchards and farmers markets not far from our home. We found some delicious fruit and preserves and indulged in fudge/caramel apples--complete with sprinkles. One of the larger farms also has pony rides. Once Violet saw the ponies...we were going. Period. End of discussion.
Wyatt and Violet saddled up and were rather uncooperative (as far as my photographic agenda was concerned) which I mentioned to my wife. "They're somewhere else, Matt. Wyatt is a cowboy on some far away range and Violet is gliding through the forest on a unicorn's back."
I've thought about that a lot since Saturday morning. Of course, Carolyn was right. The kids were somewhere else while they rode. That is the beauty of being young and untainted by responsibility. Kids can imagine things so closley to reality that the two somehow intermingle and coexist. When we grow into cynicism and self-doubt and rampant responsibility, a fissure begins to divide our worlds. Often we jump toward our dreams and fall short, clinging reluctantly onto someday. As the chasm gets wider and deeper, we try to find a way to cross, but it is a nearly impossible task.
Our dreams are important. I believe they are God's way of directing us toward earthly fulfillment, but when dreams begin to happen somewhere else, life loses its luster. That's where I have found myself a lot in the past few years.
Children are closer to God, they have less between them and eternity. They have less of a false self to protect from an all-seeing creator so they are able to operate in both worlds simultaneously, so maybe...just maybe; the better we get to know God, the more we too can bring our dreams and our reality closer together. Maybe we can truly live now and live in a dream world at the same time. I like to think so.

Goodbye Girl

Today was a little tough, we had to say goodbye to a good friend. Mel (Melody) has been the family dog for almost three years now. We adopted her from a friend. She was always gentle with our children and frighteningly vicious when she sensed trouble. She was fun and wry, but she was also very old.
It has always been tough for me to lose an animal. I don't really know why. Maybe it's because I feel like they are my responsibility. It has always hurt me deeply.
I haven't had time to really process Mel's death, but now that the house is quiet I miss her panting. Somehow it just doesn't feel like home without her here. I guess this post has very little to do with simplicity except that life is precious, even if it's the life of a family pet.

Stumbling around in my soul

Ok, I was going to post this in my own blog, but, eh- that seems like alot of effort when I could post it right here, right now.

One thing that has spurred me personally on this journey to simplicity has been questioning my beliefs. At first it was just questioning the things related to material things. But it has been a deeper rabbit hole than I first expected.

I've found myself for the first time in my life surround by people who don't believe as I do. I would have, in my old thinking, called them simply, NON-Christians. Thus implying somehow that they were non-people. Because thats what I thought.

Why wouldn't you be a Christian? What could possibly be wrong with the way I believe, worship, live?

Well, theres a lot for me to say about all this, but I'm going to give you the Cliff Notes version as I'm just plain tired right now.

Being surrounded by people who haven't been raised in COnservative Christian families has really shaken me. Because they are often much more Christ-like than the Christians I've been around all these years. There is so much honesty, so much ease, so little legalistic drama and ego.

It's freaking me out.

What have I been doing all these years?

Now, don't hear me wrong- I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I know the Spirit dwells in me every moment. I want to follow Christs teachings.

But the whole American Christian culture thing is left me with a resounding "yuck".

So, what am I reading? Where am I headed?

I've read everything Rob Bell has written so far. I feel like Velvet Elvis really started this transformation for me. And his NOOMA videos remind me of whats still RIGHT about Christianity.

I read Dance of the Dissident Daughter, by Sue Monk Kidd. Amazing book. Disturbed me profoundly. She makes some great points, and I was really inspired (or enabled) to search deeper into the roots of what I believe. But, I have to say, I'm still processing a lot of that book as, it was very troubling for me in some ways.

I talked to a Pastor last month about whats going with me. I told him a lot of my friends are Pagan, or at least, kicking the tires on becoming Pagan. I feel like a lot of the Pagan belief resonate with what I've always felt or "known". So, the Pastor suggested I look into the early Christians in Europe- the Celtic people.

I didn't look exactly where he told me too. I read a book called Listening to the Heartbeat of God. It talks about the time where the Celtic people were evangelized and at what point the earth based beliefs where abandoned and the church based beliefs became standard. Very interesting. And still....disturbing for me.

I also read a book called Pagans and Christian by Gus DiZerga. It's written from a Wiccan point of view (yes....GASP...Wiccan). It compares and contrasts Christianity and Pagan beliefs, calling for unity between the two. Very informational. The jury is still out on this one...but it helped me understand what the HECK Wicca is. And I think that's important, since I have a few friends who consider themselves Wiccan.

So next I'm off to read Celtic Christianity. I haven't started yet- I'll let you know.

Some scary territory for a nice closed minded Christian girl. But I know at the end of the day that I'm together with the Holy Spirit. And I am comforted by the songs I've known all my life. Whenever I feel sort of lost I sing:

I life my eyes up, unto the mountain
Where does my help come from
My help comes from you, maker of heaven
Creator of the earth
Oh how I need you Lord you are my only hope
You're my only friend
And so I'll wait for you to come and rescue me
Come and give me life

The photo I submitted here is of a drawing I did for my old church. I have always liked this one in particular. My Jesus. I just want to know who he is.

Weekend Walks and Mud Pies

Saturday's usually end up a mess in our home. Usually, we plan a terrific amount of house work , yard work, and DIY projects into the morning followed by tremendous childlike adventures in the afternoon. By Saturday at lunch, nothing is done, everyone is angry, hungry, tired and the day is pretty much lost. So, this week, we changed it up and decided to spend our Saturday playing.
I came home from work a little early on Friday to an interesting scene. Our three children had found the hose and a lot of dirt...the fun began. By the time I arrived, Scarlet looked like a pirate. Captain Mudbeard (okay, cheezy, I know, but...).Upon seeing their faces, I knew that we had to go on an adventure. So we packed up and left for the park...on foot. We have a very nice park a little over a mile from our home. Usually we drive, but why? Well, usually, Violet (3yrs.) is why we drive. She's quickly becoming very heavy to carry and she loves to dawdle, so walking to the end of our driveway is often a time-consuming challenge. This weekend was different. She was excited at the prospect of an "a-ven-ter" and walked both ways without much prodding. We spent an hour or so at the park playing, laying around looking up at a bright blue sky through the trees, and picking ripe blackberries. Then we made the trek back home.
We walked in and there was a message from my mother-in-law, asking if she could take the kids for the evening. The kids were elated, Carolyn and I were excited for some very rare alone time, so we accepted. Carolyn and I spent the next few hours dreaming about our next adventure (keep looking for details) and enjoying a well earned ice cream dessert. We toped the evening with coffee and a good book. I cannot remember a more simple, relaxing, enjoyable weekend...and we have two more days to go.

Fair Money

We went to the California State Fair today. It has become a tradition and Carolyn and I had set apart some money for the trip (it always seems to cost a lot more than we anticipate) and made sure it was in cash so we wouldn't be tempted to overspend. We loaded up the backpacks with healthy snacks, the Kleen Kanteens with water and headed off for a day of fun.
We had to park a LONNNNNG way from the gate and enjoyed the walk. On the way we passed a man who was just sitting down to pan-handle. Wyatt saw him first, "Dad, that man needs some money, do we have some to give him?"
"Yes, we do." I handed the man some of our fair money and had the pleasure of exchanging smiles with someone that often goes overlooked. As we walked away, I was able to praise my son for his willingness to give without a second thought. I told him that he was a very thoughtful person and that he should never think twice about giving to those in need, especially when others have excuses to not give. "There is never a good reason to not give to someone when you are able to, Wyatt."
Many of you have asked about what we have been reading, learning, and thinking over the past few months. Poverty has been the foremost on my mind. A little while back I read a book called The Irresistible Revolution, and it is just beginning to take hold of my daily actions...a little. (Check out the Author here) I wish more Christians thought and acted like the author of that book. Apparently, we have gone the way of zealots rather than radical lovers of God, people, and this world. It's no wonder that Jesus had a lot of nasty feelings for the religious leaders he ran into.
We will always have the poor. I'm beginning to understand that simplicity demands equality. If we remove the boarders of race, economics, or whatever; we are all on the same plane, and life is a lot less complex. We don't have to pretend, posture, ignore, or save face...we can just simply live, together. So poverty is a simple border to remove.
Let's all be honest with ourselves for a moment. If we are reading this blog, we have access to the internet and a computer...congratulations, we are richer than 90% of the world.
So, what can you afford to give? Only you can answer that question. But, let me finish my story before you go and figure it out.
We had a great day, we saw all of the livestock, petted a few animals, checked out a sustainable farming exhibit, ate cotton candy, ate some decent Thai food, walked a lot, and the kids each rode several carnival rides and even got a prize to take home. As we drove out of the parking lot I realized that we still had $8.00 left. Our entire day cost less than we had planned and we were able to give a very nice gift to a homeless man who needed it more than we did. It was a great day.

Avoidance

I have been avioding posting for weeks and week now.

Summer is so weird now that I have a school aged child. My schedule has been so messed up- as well as my already sketchy priorities.

But I'm happy to say school starts a week from today and thus the normal everyay routine of getting up at 7, getting out, walking, getting home, doing laundry etc is about to begin!

I have so many goals for the fall- no more avoiding my house- back to taking care of it.

No more avoiding my ideas and vegging out- I want to get thinking again.

And most importantly- no more avoiding my goal of simplicity. It hit me yesterday as I was heading home from a weekend away from the kids (it was our anniversary).

I have largely ignored my pledge of simple living this last month or so. Materialism is so deceptive and it's one of my biggest flaws.

But I haven't been totally shopping or anything- I've just had my mind on different things and the stuff mongering kinda came in through the back door when I wasn't looking.

I've been going through some spiritual stuff this summer- really trying to find out what I believe and research for myself instead of depending on what I've always been told. This has been scary, but productive. I love what I'm learning about God right now- and I've got so much more to learn.

So no more avoiding my practical everyday life- back on track. Back to my priorities of using and consuming less.

Hi....I'm back.

The Pursuit of Time

I've been thinking...
Time. If I could really simplify my life to it's fullest potential, would I have more or less free time? What is free time anyway? I always thought that simplicity would require less time. In other words, as our lives became less cluttered with stuff, we would have more time to enjoy the things that mattered. Unfortunately, this threw me into a bit of a tailspin.
As I am beginning to un-learn the "more is better" approach to life, I am becoming aware that I don't really know what matters to me, outside of a few obvious things (i.e. God, Family, Friends, the Environment). So, like I always do, I have begun to obsessively pursue an answer, but finding out what matters most is a tough proposition. Life is always in flux, what matters now may only matter for a short time. Other thing may always matter. So what am I trying to find this time for anyway?
I'm not exactly certain what the answer is or if there even is an answer. But, I am beginning to understand this...
Simplicity does not often yield time. In fact, it often requires more time to take a simple and constructive approach to life. So, maybe, more time is not what is important. Maybe, like the Amish have found, simplicity lies in hard work and close ties to the community around us. By making a little place in the world with our friends simplicity can be found. Then all time will be free, because all of our time will be focused on the BIG things, the never-changing things that matter.

See-Saw

Sorry. We've been really busy lately. Summer has been full of adventure and challenge ...and unfortunately, we have left a lot unsaid. Where to start...

We have been up and down a lot in the past few months. Some days, simplicity seems almost attainable; other days, obscenely distant. I was ruminating on the past few weeks today and came to a realization. Bear with me, this is a work in progress.

I have always thought that balance was something to strive for. I always thought that there was a line of sorts in life that each person could walk down and be balanced. If they strayed from the line, life was out of balance and therefore less than perfect. This metaphor seemed to work because it was always able to explain the times life stunk. It stunk because the person's life was out of balance. As I grew older this made less and less sense, but old habits die hard, so I stuck with it.

The past few months of our journey have been wholly different than the first few months. In the beginning, it was easy to stay on track. Our fervor made up for several holes in the plan. But, as time goes on, our fervor has been replaced with tired fear and; often, a sense of hopelessness. There have been many days where it seems impossible to live with less, buy less, be more sustainable. Sometimes we just feel like saying, "Ah screw it, it was a nice try. Where do we shop first?"

Today, I was reminded that this journey was never meant to be an experiment, it was meant to be a change in our life-rhythm. And then it hit me! Balance is like a see-saw.

If you've ever ridden a see-saw (and if you haven't, shut off the computer and go to the park immediately) you know how difficult it is to balance in mid-air. It's much easier to go up, then down, then back up again. The beauty of this analogy, is that it leaves room for life. When we're going down, we know that we'll come back up in a moment. Also, other people are involved. It takes two to ride a see-saw, it takes a community to live simply. Thirdly, we have a lot more control on the speed of our ascent and descent. All you have to do is shift your weight a little and the speed of your life can change dramatically, which brings me to the point of this post...

When we decided to simplify, we were on the way up. We shifted a lot of our weight and shot to the moon for a time, but with our head in the clouds, we laid back and fell out of the sky. For a time, we lost the beauty of simplicity in order to conquer it, we've posted about that before (Here). Well now we are shifting our weight again and are beginning to rise, slowly, but rise none-the-less.

Thanks for all the email and comment/post reminders that we are part of a community, we promise to stop being so distant and let you back in on our journey and our lives, as long as you promise to push up when your down and sit back a little when your up. That will make this see-saw work a lot better.

Need help with priorities? I recommend Rotavirus.

Or whatever it was that ripped through my family this week.

We were all bed-ridden for the last two days, but it couldn't have been better for my soul. When everyones sick- you are down to the basics of survival. Water, simple foods, shelter. A clean toilet helps too.

My kids have been rough so far this summer and I've been having trouble liking them. Not loving them....LIKING them. But when they are all sick and weak and snuggly- I remember that these are my babies...my sweet babies.

And this house- when I'm sick, this tiny dirty house is ENOUGH. Not too small- just fine for now.

And when I'm throwing up...I'm not obsessing over getting another tie-dye skirt, or new fabric for couch covers, or new lip gloss. I don't feel the need to go out and get a fancy meal or a mocha- I'm just trying to get my stomach to stop cramping.

Yeah, it's kinda sad that vomiting and body aches are what it takes to set me right- but at least theres hope for me. I just hope I can see the light more often and with less bodily affliction.

Sorry- no photo this time---theres nothing you want to see here right now.

A princess turns 30

This month has flown.

I mean- last month (June) flew. I cant believe we are already in the middle of the summer. Its so crazy how life rolls. There are days that seem so long and then, there are days you hardly remember.

In all this it has been SOOOO easy to get materialistic. Epsecially me.

My birthday was in June and that ALWAYS gives me a sense of entitlement. I really tried to look at it as a time for introspection and inspiration- but really, I tend to see my birthday as a time to go buck wild at the mall.

Like Matts last post said- we've backslidden quite a bit.

I always dump all my wants on my birthday. This year it was a new Espresso machine, a number of new wraps (baby carriers), new shoes, maybe a camera. I guess I just lose my head and start thinking of all the limitless possiblities as far as birthday presents go.

I always get myself into a slump over this- of course I cant get all those things. I think the problem is the fact that I even feel like I SHOULD have those things.

For example- the Espresso machine- the only reason I want a new one is because I know I dont have the BEST one. Yes- I'm that much of a snob! Or maybe princess is a better term.

Yikes. I dont want to be a princess. I HATE that term. But I should be honest with myself- that is my mentality as far as what I need to make my life happy. Sometimes you discover really scary things about yourself.

As far as reality goes, I got a lot of stuff anyway. I'm plenty blessed and my family loves me. I'm only really entitled to life and love.

So, I may be a year older, but I still have a lot of growing up to do.

Big Fat Stinking Do Over

I miss do overs. Do you remember being a kid and missing the ball? "Do over!" Remember when you spun a terrible spin in a board game? "Do over!" I wish do overs were just that simple; but, like many things in life, do overs fade as we get older.
I'm not sure that we can never reclaim do overs, in fact I hope that we can, but it sure seems like there are a lot less of them to use when you "grow up." Well, right now...Carolyn and I need a Big Fat Stinking Do Over.
We've pretty much lost the edge and passion for change in regards to simplicity. We have slipped (not too big, but enough to impact us) back into consumerism a bit. We've given up and bought new a few times too many. We've made sporadic purchases that were unwarranted and unneeded. Most of all, we have just about lost all of our creative juice in making the whole thing workable.
We didn't realize how tenacious one must be to really live simply. It's like walking on a mountain pass, one or two false steps and you're cascading down the mountain side into an abyss. All this to say..."Can we have a do over?"
Obviously, our struggle has been in isolation (hiding from the accountability of friends and fellow earthlings) so here we are, laying it all out again. Hold us to it, we need your help. Simplicity CANNOT happen without community. Isolation is our worst enemy.

Blessings

Such good things!

We are so blessed. All of us are. But we really felt it this weekend, I think. We live about 25 minutes away from a beautiful lake, and our friends invited us to join them in camping Friday night.

We have fished there before, but never camped as the campground seemed kinda lame. But they said they only camp where they have to boat in. And boy, was it awesome! We had our own little peninsula -almost like an island. There was no one out there this weekend, either!!

The weather was gorgeous and the kids were easy.

My friend found this beautiful moth on the shore by our campsite. It was dying, but this allowed us to be blessed by it and take in all it's details.

There are so many things we miss in the rush of life and it's never ending needs. Theres so much to see and feel and hear NOW. So many blessings just sitting on rocks or laying in the woods.

I hope to slow down more.

How to Ruin a Weekend

This weekend sucked! Well, in the end...I guess it turned out okay, but it was touch and go for most of it.

Carolyn and I are in the toughest season of parenthood we have yet faced. Three little ones who all need different things at different times for different reasons. We are physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally spent. Knowing this we begged and pleaded some family for a few hours of wrestling our children so we could sneak away to a nice dinner. We wanted to eat where we could sit and talk without seven trips to the bathroom, without ducking flying pasta, without answering the same question asked a dozen different ways. We wanted to go to a place that didn't serve chicken fingers or have crazy straws or place mats that you color. So we picked the perfect place...

Have you ever gotten a call that you wanted to ignore because you knew what was coming? Well on Friday afternoon, our child care was no more...meaning our night out was no more. We had nothing prepared and were very low on groceries, so we packed the kids up and went out to eat. The kids gave us a little grace, but the evening was far from the romantic refreshing evening out that we had expected.

Saturday we got groceries, a dresser (we've need one for a long time and haven't been able to russle one up at a garage sale or thrift store so we went to Ikea and bought sensible). After half a day of shopping, we went to a family birthday party and endured a lot of jesting about how exhausted we looked, how tough our kids were, how we, "really should think about birth control."

Before either of us lost it, we went home and woke up to a mess on Sunday morning. We spent the entire day cleaning. We're barley within eye shot of finishing. But alas, it is midnight and we're exhausted.

I guess there is nothing to say...I just needed to vent.

It is amazing though; it's after midnight and everyone is asleep except me. I just went around checking beds and I cannot help but think that as tough as life is right now, I wouldn't trade parenthood for anything. I just hope my wife and I can survive it with something left for each other. But, then again, we're one being...so she doesn't have a choice ;))

Back

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore.
Dream.
Discover.

– Mark Twain

I'm back...sort of. For those that missed it, I left last Thursday morning before any sane individual should be awake and began a long drive, some 1400 miles, to Nebraska. Four days later, on Sunday night at 9:00 pm, I arrived home again, a little different than before.
Any journey claims a part of your soul, but, in it's place it leaves a newness. A part that didn't exist in such reality before. Travel makes a person more whole than they were. Before I left, I felt a hole, an emptiness that had be festering in me for some time. I often speak of finding life in the simplicity of life, but, on this fast-paced long-distance jaunt across the country I found a little bit of life in complexity. Maybe the two aren't so far apart. Or, maybe they are so far apart that they meet again like north meets south at the apex of our little planet.
Any quest that takes you past the front door has the potential to change your worldview forever. Once again, I found that seeing new places and meeting new people was like breathing fresh air after a long dive under water. I had never before drank in the beautiful expanse of prairie that lies between Utah and Iowa. Wyoming was enormously empty. Nebraska, like another world.
I spent one evening eating at a local steak house. My Father, Friend, and I sat in a booth surrounded by local wait staff that had never met anyone from New Jersey or California. They weren't sure how to take us. They gazed at us as we belly laughed over humorous observations and long-winded tall tales. They engaged us on the most touristy banter we could summon. Most of all, they had fun as we did. It never ceases to amaze me that no matter how far one goes from home, there are familiar people always at hand. Humankind is built so well to co-exist, but, we fight it in the most horrible ways. Each time I go somewhere new and meet someone new I realize that I've met them before and I don't want to leave them behind again.
I drove to Nebraska, but the journey was going home...by a slightly longer route. Take the long way home from somewhere today and see what I mean.

*On a further note...I am beginning another journey on Friday. I will be joining thousands of other aspiring screewriters in Script Frenzy, a thirty day marathon to a finished script. I will be blogging about the mania at The Rhythm Journal. Please swing by and help me stay motivated.

A treasure on the roadside

More karmic garage sale finds!

I have wanted some artwork in the living room for a while and just couldn't find anything unique enough to make me put it up. I wanted something meaningful- but not hokey.

I also have been wanting to collect old paint by numbers pieces- but havent found any that I liked yet.

Saturday I was in town and spotted this at a garage sale. I hit the brakes and hopped out- the lady told me I could have it for $2!!!

I love it- it's exactly what I wanted and matches my house perfectly!

Home as inspiration

This statement has not exactly desrcibed where I live. Perhaps "Home as frustration" or, "Home as a lesson in character building" would be better for describing how I've felt about this place.

I've wanted to be an artist all my life, but I've never found my niche- I hope to someday. And I hope that my home would be a place I could be inspired to experiment and practice.

I always pictured myself with a studio and a big garden with funky sculptures. This would be where I could create. Well- there is no studio here- no place to put one. Not even a corner for my easel or a desk where I could sketch or sew or paint. I tend to feel sorry for myself with this.

As I learn to live in this small space, I am realizing I cant keep waiting to make it my space- the place I've dreamed of.

This last weekend, Matt was gone and I decided, since we had the paint and flooring already, I was going to redo our upstairs bathroom. I had some help from my friend, and from my mom- and I love the way it turned out.

The project inspired me to get out my brush and start creating a little.














And I moved downstairs to the other bathroom which was brightly painted but really lacked personality.














I went a little buckwild- but I never questioned myself and just went for it- and I like it!

Now, the rest of the house is trashed, but, hey, I'm catching a vision here!!!

The good thing about painting like this is that is cost almost no $$- I always have craft paint around.

Identity

So much of this whole journey we're on is messing with our identities. All the failures and successes with doing the Compact and just trying to ditch consumerism has meant that Matt and I have had to take a hard look at ourselves.

My first reaction? Yikes.

But I feel like I'm starting to come into myself- I think.

For me, I have lumped my indentity mostly in what other people think of me. I thought I had it tied up in "stuff" mostly, but no, I'm sure now that the whole people pleasing thing takes the cake.

I have always seen my physical appearance as sort of metaphorical somehow. So, I felt it was time to say "I find my security in God." again.

I have had blue streaks off and on- but never this big- and I love it. It irritates the heck out of my parents- but I'm trying to let go of all that. I want my life to be about subversing- not adhering to the normal.

And I want to have fun.

Please excuse the poser face I'm making in this photo. I realize I'm not 17 anymore and I'm not on a photo shoot or anything (or a cheesy myspace). I have always taken a bunch of over-prepared pictures of myself to sort of find myself somewhere in them. But that is a result if not being happy with my real face. But thats another post.

Sitting Waiting

This is going to be a rough week. I'm going on a bit of a journey next weekend and, as usual, I'm a bit anxious. I love to travel. I'm not very good at waiting though. My friend and I will set out on Thursday morning and drive twenty-so hours to a little town in the middle of Nebraska.
I have allowed the details of the excursion to stress me this week. I know the kids are feeling my stress and Carolyn is trying so hard to be supportive, but, I'm sure she wants to tell me to suck it up and relax. Why do I stress so much about traveling? Well, I think that it comes from a similar place as my consumerism. How are they connected? Well...in more ways than I first thought.
The fear that I deal with the most is the inability to provide. I was taught that in order to be a "man" I needed to provide several things for my family, friends, and myself. If I did not provide said things, I would be a failure. The list of necessary provisions include a safe home in a nice area, a nice car, a sizable bank account, a secure job in a prominent institution, a few interesting hobbies, and most importantly...a big, strong, stoic, frighteningly secure demeanor. The list is a tall order. I'm beginning to get past some of the preconceptions, but, it takes a long time to rid one's self of years of programming.
The fear of not being able to provide is compounded by our overly consumeristic culture. Because, not only do I have the preprogramed list for success, I also have society's list as well. Aghhhh!
Traveling adds another element to the muck and mire, because now I have to prepare for things that I do not know about, places I haven't been, problems I haven't yet considered. So, what do I do? I plan, prepare, obsess, and ultimately spin myself into a self-induced frenzy of self-doubt, anxiety, and fear. Will I have the right stuff for the trip? Do I have what it takes to succeed on my journey? What do I need for the journey?
As I have considered this for the past few weeks, I realized something odd. The best travelers were not very good planners. Look at some of them. Columbus was going to sail off the end of the world. Good plan. Lewis and Clark were going to see what was over there somewhere. Okay. Mark Twain went all over on a whim. John Muir wandered aimlessly. But all of them carried a journal.
They all recorded the journey. They noticed and recorded where they were, how they got there, what they saw, who they met. They recorded rather than planned. Because they did so, we can relive their journey and we can all gain the wisdom that only comes from leaving home and coming back some time later.
I'm trying so hard to not plan this trip. I'm trying so hard to go with the flow. It is tough, but, I'm going to try it.

Theres just no reason to buy new clothes

Shoes, maybe.

But shirts? Blouses? Nope.

Now- if you are trying to look cool, then yes- buying new is your best bet. I can see even a high powered career being an excuse for some crisp new clothes now and then.

Another reason for new clothes would be if you cant find your size. Or if the catergory of your need is just not sanitary- like undies.

But for the average sized housewife in the hills like myself, I am finding SO much good stuff at our local thrift store.

A J Jill bra tank, awesome tie-dye dresses, jean skirts, linen blouses, sun hats. Even some nice dresses for the girls.

And I'm blessed that this is an old-school Thrift store that still sells clothing for $.50 or under. Last week I purchased a dress and several shirts with my pocket change.

I was destined to Compact.

Killer Alien Roaches

It has become a tradition to get away for my birthday. Each year, for the past three, we have spent the time in Yosemite.
This year we drove through the rain and a sudden snow storm over the hill to a breath-taking site. Half Dome stood spotlighted by the only break in the clouds. Surrounded by rain, fog, and gloom, it stood as a testament to perseverance.
In our time, we explored small nooks and crannies in the rocks, woods, and river banks that we had always missed as we pursued more sizable and substantial views. Upon reflection, I realized that this is becoming more and more normal.
I am officially declaring that the funk is over, I'm finding new fervor and strength in our quest for simplicity. Here is the thing: simplicity is a journey, not a destination...that always sounded trite and pretentious (not to mention hokey) but, it is true. We will never arrive at simplicity, it is a choice that we make hundreds of times each day. But, the evidence that it is taking hold lies in the enjoyment of simple pleasures.
I shot the above picture of Violet as she splashed in puddles left over from the intensely cold rain. I long to find such joy in simple things as my children do. They can make every item in a camp site an adventure. Each rock becomes a space ship or a pirate ship and the ground between suddenly becomes hot lava or shark infested water. There is nothing in a child that says, "How can this be a pirate ship? There aren't any sails..." Children have an uncanny knack for seeing life as they imagine it, and they imagine it is good. They are overtly optimistic while most adults are ridiculously pessimistic. We can't do this because we don't have that. We aren't able to go there because this needs to be done. Our situation will never improve because of...
Finally I saw the space ship and cruised off to uncharted worlds. I battled dragons, swam with sharks, stepped over every crack in the pavement so the world didn't explode; and you know what I found? Joy. Right there, all along, waiting for me to turn off the "can't, won't, shouldn't," machine.
I believe that the wisdom of children lies in the narrowness of their worldview. They aren't concerned with anything they cannot control, this gives them very little to worry about. Add to this ability the faith they have in us (parents) and others and you have a very secure and well adjusted being. Sure, they get scarred about silly things (so do I), sure, they mess up once in a while (so do I) sure, they need help sometimes (getting the picture yet?), but, they can see that life is good, they see where life is good, they see good in all people, they find joy in the most simple things.
I'm tired of being an adult, childhood is a much better way to live. I'm going back. Come out to play if you dare...oh yeah, watch out for the killer alien roaches, they're nasty this time of year.