Things worth Owning

When you are trying to live right, squashing materialism, I'm finding out that everything you own or want to own gets prioritized.

I realize that now anything in my home get scrutinized for usefulness. With a house this size, there is no way I can keep everything that comes in the door.

We've cut down on dishes, towels, bedding, etc. If we dont have a place for it, or if we dont use it everyday- it cant live here. We dont have the space. But there are a few exceptions.

My China. It's not a full set...mostly just teacups and a soup tureen and a few of the dishes. I use the teacup and little dessert plates in the rare occasion I actually let people in my house! They are about the only family heirloom I'll ever have, so I feel a strong attachment to them.

Musical instruments. We simply love them- and while the only instrument I play wont fit in our house (piano), I love being surrounded by these things.

Art supplies. Because if you dont have them- you cant create. You can, but it's fun to have a good supply of paint, clay, canvas', paper, etc.

Then there are things that are just treasures.

I like to make jewelry from time to time, and the best place to buy really cool beads is at bead shows or Gem faires. We went to one last weekend.

I held strand after strand of beautiful beads in my hands- agates, opals, turquoise, jades, etc. But one strand only won my heart. Sure I would use any of the beads if I got them- but how much do you really need?

I ended up buying a strand of Trade beads that are probably from Ghana, but not really "from" Ghana. These types of beads were used for trade with African tribes for centuries. I found a good article about this here: http://www.smithsonianeducation.org/migrations/beads/essay1.html

Now, this, in my opinion is worth owning. Items that have a story. Treaures that make you think, and imagine.

Specs

X-Ray vision, now there's a superpower! I remember being a kid and looking through a stash of my Uncle's old comics (which I should have guarded a little more closely, but anyway); there was an add in the back for "X-Ray Specs." You have probably seen them on some movie or
read about them in the same comic book, but--for those of us who are less enlightened when it comes to superpowers--they were supposed to let you see through walls, doors, and whatever else you can imagine a teenage boy longing to look through. I never got my pair of "X-Ray Specs." Apparently, no one made the magical glasses by my time, but I always wondered if they worked. Go ahead, be a cynic...but I have always held on to the hope that they might work. If I ever find a pair, I will let you know for sure.

About a year ago, I started to have vision issues. I spend a lot of time reading and working at the computer, so my doctor suggested reading glasses. He said that my eyes were getting tired throughout the day and that was affecting my vision for the drive home, which is where I was really noticing the problem. I gave the glasses the good old college try; almost a year. My vision got worse. Finally, I decided to get a second opinion. I met a great new Optometrist and she noticed a few small issues that added up to my vision problem. Two days later, I was sporting new glasses. It seems that the first doctor had decided that I needed reading glasses before he really checked out my eyes. It only took the new doctor a few minutes to realize that he had given me exactly the opposite prescription. I am near-sighted, not far-sighted.

It is wonderful to see the leaves on the trees, It is amazing how much easier it is to drive when you can read the signs. But, I have to admit, the first few days with glasses was a little tough. I picked them up with a friend and put them on to walk out of the office and to the car. I must have tripped five or six times. They made me feel like I was walking on stilts. At first I thought that this doctor screwed up too; then it hit me, maybe this is how I was SUPPOSED to see. Maybe, I had gotten so used to life as usual, that I had forgotten what the world really looked like. Maybe I had never seen the world as it really was, until now.

There is a lot to our journey that I have not shared. Most of it is too personal to be of any interest to anyone other than Carolyn and I, but some things just need time to come out into the world. One such thing, is my crisis of world view.
Until six or seven years ago, I was quite sure of my place in the world. I knew who I was, where I was going, where I belonged. A lot happened to confuse my compass. It was not until last January that I really began looking for North again. I'm still drawing maps and and stumbling around a little, but I have realized a fatal flaw in my thinking that caused me to lose my way. I let someone tell me that I was not good enough and I began to believe it.

I had, at the time, several people in my life that were destructive. They pawned off their issues onto me and told me repeatedly--in word and deed--that I was not who I was supposed to be. They let me know that God didn't like me the way I was and that He expected me to change. They were quick to inform me that most of my personality was not acceptable. It has taken me some time to realize how poisonous and deep-seated these beliefs had become. When I broke off the relationships I had with these people I spent a long time wondering if I would ever be worth anything again.

Tonight I was at a Weight Watchers meeting (yup, I've lost 25.6 pounds!) and the leader repeated something that she had said a dozen times since I began attending. "Beliefs turn into words, words turn into actions, actions turn into habits." I never realized how true that was until tonight. I began to believe that I was bad/evil/etc.. Which I turned into messages about every area of my life. That began to affect how I approached all of life. Finally, I got stuck in the rut.

Last years departure from consumerism shook loose a few of those habits and suddenly, I was having blurry vision. So I called in some help. I decided to get my health back, so I joined Weight Watchers. The meetings gave me a new pair of glasses. Now I see my relationship with food is a symptom of many other arts of my life. It's a little weird, but maybe this is how I am SUPPOSED to look to myself.

The people that filled my head with the wrong beliefs were simply misdiagnosing me. The "problems" they were seeing where not really problems at all. They had not taken the time to find out who I was or what I needed. They gave me the opposite.

I wish that I had "X-Ray Specs" that could let me look right inside myself and see what's right or wrong, but I'll have to peel away the layers one at a time to find the truth. It will take a bit, but hey...that's life. At least I know this, Jesus loves me and I'm worth something.

Oh yeah, and I look darn good in glasses ;))

A True Test of my...well, everything.

How do you make me crazy? Stick me in the dark in a cramped house with three hyper active children.

The Friday before last, I went to a birthday party at my friends house. I left the house in a whirlwind- a complete mess. The house was TRASHED. We'd come back from NJ a few days before and I vowed I'd clean it up on the weekend. And while leaving for this party, I had this sense of foreboding....the piles, oh, the piles....what if for some reason I couldn't clean up?

Well, the wind was blowing and it was raining like mad already, but I wasn't going to miss Jacks Birthday party....he was turning 2 after all!!

During the party, my friends lights flickered a little and it was getting NASTY out, so, we headed out earlier that we would hae normally.

I was aware as I got the kids in the car that this was no normal storm- not for California at least. The wind was so strong, it was hard to drive and branches were flying everywhere. I'd dropped Wyatt off at his friends house and on the way to get him, I noticed alot of downed trees.

When I'd gotten to my friends house to pick up Wyatt, she was on the phone, her power was out. "We have to get to the schoolhouse....one of the sheds is damaged by the wind."

If you'll remember, my friends and I run a preschool co-op at a historical school house in town. Last year we bought sheds to store all our supplies it.

We came to the school house but had to enter from another way because a tree was down and took out a power poll. All my friends came at once a we saw that our sheds weren't damaged....they were GONE. And our supplies scattered everywhere. What a disaster. We did the best we could to salvage everythig despite the continuing danger of the wind and rain and craziness.

I tried to head home- which usually takes 10 minutes- but this was an hour. I sat on the road in line behind a huge downed tree while they cut it away to clear the road.

When I got home, Matt was home to my surprise. Even his office, an hour away had no power.

So, I kept the kids in the car and tried to go to my moms house- she has a lot of natural light and less big trees. But, nope. A power power poll blocked her road and there was no getting past it. So, home we went.

The first night was fine...even fun.

The next night was ok, but getting boring.

The next 4 nights? THEY SUCKED.

My house was even more of an utter disaster and my brain was shot. My son couldn't go back to school...no power, no heat, no phones....and everyone was crabby and depressed.

I began to freak out. "I hate this house. I wish a tree would have fallen on it." I think I said this about 100 times. I really wished it would just go away. It was dark, dirty, cramped and awful...at least when the power was out.

I could not muster the strength to be positive ad just do what I could to make the most of the situation. It just wasn't in me.

I'm not saying the house isn't totally at fault. Despite our ordering of priorities and simplification mission, we are still bulging at the seams. This house is not only small, it's poorly planned. We believe with some remodeling it will improve GREATLY. And I think we are ready to start thinking about that more seriously.

But I'm pretty disappointed as what a crappy job I did dealing with the power outage. I was like a kid....whiny and irrational. It really got me wondering if there is ANYTHING I can handle? Anything at all where I don't act like a total spoiled brat? Sheesh.

Now, with electricity functioning again, I'm trying to appreciate things like lights (which I really missed the most) and refrigeration. And hopefully next time, I'll do better.

I have to add that last Friday (a week after the original outage and storm), I got the house in order and had some friends over for tea. It was nice to see some control on my part finally. After they left, I went ot pick up Wyatt from school. Upon arriving home I realized something was funny at home....what was wrong? THE POWER WAS OUT. I lost it. I called all my friends and they were out also. Everyone was livid with the power company. I mean, give me a break, we'd only had it on for a couple days! We'd had enough!

Then, my friend who's husband is a volunteer fire fighter called. It turned out the outage happened because a worker was further repairing some lines, but was electrocuted- thus the outage. He was killed.

Suddenly my dark house was a solemn reminder of what was really important. My threatened freezer full of food wasn't much to complain about.

Passion

A year has past and we find ourselves in a very different place from last January. It has been an interesting and challenging journey. We have made some changes, gained some ground, lost a little and ultimately found out that the "best" life is going to take a very long time to find. But, isn't the search really the point?
So as we have looked back over the past twelve months and turned to look twelve months into the future, we have made a decision. Last year was a period of tearing down; we stripped off as much as we could from our lives, we looked for way to reduce our posesions, reduce our needs, reduce our desires. It was a good and neccessary process. We were able to see how desperatley attached to stuff we had become, we found out that we could live a better and less fettered life with less stuff.
This year needs to be a year of rebuilding. We have taken off so much of ourselves that we are often unsure of who we really are. So this year, that's the point. We are going to find ourselves. We are going to begin building the life we want.
So here is our commitment for 2008...
This year, we will strive to:
1.) Identify what our true passions are
2.) Focus our attention on living passionately
3.) Solidify our core beliefs about God, People, the Earth, Life, and Our Purpose
4.) Begin to make all of our decisions based upon the above
5.) Share our journey with all who are interested
2008 will be a year of Passion.

Our Truest Life...

"Our Truest life is when we are in dreams awake." -Henry David Thoreau

There was a time in my life when I believed that the epitome of our existence was absolute leisure. I thought that hard work was just a means to an end. The harder I worked now, the better I could relax in the future. Then, as the future became the present, I was confused, The work never seemed to end. In fact it got harder and there was significantly more of it. This may sound stupid, but I was severely depressed by the facts I found. The work would never really end.
I have been coming to terms with this realization ever since. Lately, I've been finding new enjoyment in hard work. It feels weird to say this, but I'm actually starting to enjoy working around the house. Okay, a little background might help...I grew up in Suburban New Jersey. My knowledge of "working around the house" was limited to mowing the lawn (on a riding mower, with my Walkman on; probably playing White Lion or Bon Jovi) or shoveling snow. That was about it.
Now before I have to turn in my "man card" I have to tell you that I'm pretty handy. I can do almost anything that a house would need: electrical, basic plumbing, drywall, painting, you name it. But, I have NEVER enjoyed any of it. Now, we own a home in the mountains. There are trees to trim and even (grunts like the guy on "Home Improvement") cut down with a chain saw. There are enormous amounts of brush, pine needles, and leaves to get rid of, usually with fire (laughs like Beavis, "Yeah, fire, heh heh!") There are culverts to clear, holes to dig, bugs to kill, skunks to get rid of, bears that rip are garbage cans to shreds (maybe a slight exaggeration, although we actually did have a problem bear until I chased him off with my Jeep...a long story.). There is a lot to do and until recently, I have been completely unwilling and angry about having to do it.
The past few months have been a little tight financially and we've spent a lot more time than usual at home. Bored and sick of looking like the town loser, I began working on the yard and found myself passing time quickly. But, the thing about it is...it really cleared my mind. Okay, here's where that Thoreau quote at the top comes in.
After I first realized that I was always going to have work, I began to think that I had to go for the next best thing, the dream job. A vocation where I was doing something I loved all the time. The problem was/is that I don't love to do the same things all the time. But, I think that Mr. Thoreau might have been saying that when our work allows us to dream, we have struck gold. When he left for Walden pond, there was no shortage of work, but in that isolation he found a peace that was very different from leisure. I had not experienced it until recently. However, I am beginning to understand what he meant.
When I spend a Saturday working hard out in the yard, or at the park, or wherever, it does not take very long for my mind to wander. Soon I am dreaming of what could be or what I could make out of those branches, or how beautiful the sky is going to be at sunset. Suddenly, my mind is wrapped around things that are real and living, in a world of possibility and splendor; a world where status, money, or power don't make a lick of difference. That is a true life.

Side Note: Many of you have asked us to check out a few books, we haven't been keeping up with our reading list as well as we like, but someone (I cannot remember who) suggested Wendell Berry's books. I'm just starting to read "What are People for?" It is pretty amazing, so...look for the first Changing Rhythm Book review in the next few weeks. Thanks for all the ideas an support!

Post feast musings

I am sluggish from my third Thanksgiving feast. I had one with our Preschool Co-op, one with the family and one tonight with friends.

I love to eat. I find it tremendously comforting. I often eat out of boredom in addition to grabbing things to eat when I'm frustrated or depressed. I love the ritual of actually consuming something. And I would do it all the time if I could.


Do you see a problem here?

Yes.

I also love to buy. I find it tremendously comforting. I often buy out of boredom in addition to buying things when I'm frustrated or depressed. I love the ritual of actually purchasing something. And I would do it all the time if I could.

I still have a *bit* of a consumerism issue. Food and stuff.

Buy Nothing Day sucked.

Ok, it was actually a really nice day, but I was very tempted at 5 am to get up and drive to any store any where to buy SOMETHING. I didn't even know what, I just wanted that feeling of getting something.

Later in the day I found things I could go get, like sweats for the kids, or sheets. But Matt wouldn't let me go. He said we could go, but we couldn't buy. What freaking good would that be?

I was a little bitter.

We started this whole quest for anti-consumerism in January and here I am almost December and I have hardly grown. At least I'm not at the super simplified zen place I thought I'd be. Will I get there by the end of 2007?

The picture I posted is Scarlet asleep in a wrap-hammock while we did yardwork on Friday. i couldn't find anything that symbolized the lameness of my state of mind right now or the frustration with where I'm NOT.

So, I just posted something sweet. The only really simple thing I do is mother these kids.

I see black

Black Friday approaches. It comes every year, lurking in the press, on TV, on in-store ads. Black Friday is here.
The day after Thanksgiving has become the busiest shopping day of the year. It's name is symbolic of what happens in retail sales across our nation and in the Western world at large. On November 23rd (assuming the trend continues) many retailers will finally, "go into the black," and begin making a profit for the year. Some companies will see the biggest sales day of the year. Some will make more on one single day than they will the rest of the year. But to me, Black Friday is black for wholly different reasons.
Now, I want to assure all of our friends that I am a big supporter of the Free Market. I believe that it is the best economic system available, but to think it is flawless is naive. My problem with Black Friday is not with the retailers as much as it is with the mentality behind all involved, which is why, this year, we will be celebrating "Buy Nothing Day."
The want monster in our world is enormous and I cannot think of a better way to make it smaller than to not participate in the madness of Black Friday. I know people that are going shopping at 4 AM so they can get "the best stuff, first." They plan on staying at the mall, "all day," because they want to make sure they see everything. These people are some of the most wealthy I know. They have obscenely large houses and drive expensive cars, while the more expensive cars sit in the garage, and buy more than they will ever need. Why do they do it? Because they are convinced that MORE will fill the void in their souls. Spending, saving, and simple living are spiritual acts. It is inescapable. How we spend mirrors the condition of our soul.
Do I mean that we cannot spend and be spiritually okay? No. I am saying that the reasons behind our spending are bound to our beliefs about ourselves, our beliefs about our worth, and our beliefs about what life is really about. As I have said before, the entitlement mentality of our nation cannot be overstated and it is wholly and disgustingly visible on Black Friday.
So, let us all consider--every time we take out our wallet--why we are spending. Do I need this? Is this useful? Who will have less because I buy this? Is there some way that I could impact the world more positively than buying this? Let us be sure that our souls are full and that our lives are rich, not matter what we have or do not have. Last of all, please consider joining our family in "Buy Nothing Day" this year. Speak loudly, without words, and stand against the insatiable want monster.

Paint

Carolyn spent the day painting today. It was part of a church service on creativity. I had the opportunity to sit in the back and watch my wife create. It was wonderful to see her painting. I also ran accross one of my oldest journals, it was amazing to see how differently I viewed the world when I was in collge. I wrote a lot differently then. These two events brought some things back into focus for me.
I have lost hold of a lot of things that kept me interested in life. I used to write poetry, I used to photograph everything, I used to play guitar every day. I hardly do any of those things anymore. In fact, my guitar has collected so much dust this year it is almost burried in the corner. Carolyn used to draw and paint a lot more than she does now. We seem to have left those things and moved on to more "adult" pursuits, like laundry and work and shuttling kids from place to place.
Here's the thing, life was a lot better back then. I think it's time to get back into the things that helped us dream...gotta go, my guitar is waiting.

All I really need is my brain.

I was mildly picked on in middle school. Nothing too serious or scarring- just the normal "hey, you look like a boy" you might expect a late bloomer with an unfortunate haircut to receive in 6th grade.

The teasing didn't bother me as much as the sheer lack of attention from ANY of my classmates- I was invisible and I hated it.

I had one place of solice in those times where I was alone and no one was interested in talking to me. It was my stories. They were in my head and mostly resulted in me talking to myself (which didn't help my social scene). I loved where my mind went and I spent hours fine tuning the worlds that existed in my head.

Somewhere along the line I got to the point where I needed a bra (a HUGE step for me in my adolescence), and seemed to gain enough confidence to actually hang out with a group of people. And I talked to myself less, at least in public. The stories never went away.

Here we are, 2007 and for the second time, I've signed up for NaNoWriMo. Whats that, you ask? November is National Novel Writing Month and within a few minutes of registration0 you can sign yourself up to the challenge of churning out 50,000 words in 30 days.

Matt was a finisher last year, and I am so proud. I signed up and came in around oh, say 400 words. But I'd just had a baby and it was Wyatts first year of school, yada, yada, yada.

No excuses this year.

I continue to be that weird kid on the outskirts in many ways. I'm still terrifed of being ignored. Some things never change. And now I have the added disfunction of being a materialistic glutton.

I had a sort of social break down a few weeks ago- no a big deal- I just sort of threw a fit and gt depressed because no one liked me...that old chestnut. And around the same time started a stuff binge that involved hours and hours of selling my stuff in order to get new and better stuff and resulting in losing more money in shipping costs at the close of it all.

Then I saw a light...new inspiration on my journey to free myself from this sort of garbage.

I still have my stories. And I'm signed up for this thing...I've GOT to do this. I've got the material in my head....it's time to stop thinking about better cotton tights for the girls, or, new bathroom rugs, and start conceptualizing my novel. Time to forget about whether or not my friends just tolerate me and start using my creativity for once.

Why do I need all this stuff when I've got these ideas that have fascinated me forever? Is that not a gift?

All I really need is my brain. (and love, and God....yeah, yeah, yeah....I know)

And I have to say...what ever happened to that AWESOME tapestry vest I was wearing? Now theres a look that hasn't come back around.

Rocks

I have a lot of rocks. I was picking up around the house last night and I must have found two dozen. Some are very small, others are about the size of a baseball. Some are really beautiful, others are rather plain. No matter how big, small, pretty, or ugly they are; I love them. They are my rocks. Picked up off the ground by my children and given specifically to me. They were thinking of me when they saw them, that makes me smile.
Last night I was awake much later than everyone else. I was able to really get some thinking done. We are heading into the leanest month of the year. November is historically very tight financially. Our home taxes are due, we have to fill the propane tank for the coming cold, Christmas shopping begins, the cars need service for the approaching winter. So naturally--no, not naturally...I guess it's a learned behavior--I begin freaking out. How are we going to do it? How are we going to afford gifts? Can we skimp on the propane? Do we really need new brakes?
When I begin to spin out of control like this, it usually leads to depression, but not this time. As I was cleaning...when I saw my rocks, it hit me again. Everything will be okay. My wife and children love me.
Children are a great reminder that we don't need things to make us happy. The smallest things mean so much to them. They give me the best gifts because they give me a piece of themselves with every rock. I love that my kids have no idea how much a house costs, how much food costs, or how much Daddy makes. It doesn't really matter to them.
So standing at the beginning of a desert journey, I realize that I have everything I need. I have my family. I have my rocks.

Weekend Weary

The title says it all. We are weekend weary. It seems like every weekend has become a chore. What happened? I remember when weekends were fun and exciting, but right now they seem like too much effort for too little reward.
Don't get me wrong, the weekends aren't all bad...for instance, this Saturday, we spent the day at a local kids expo that was full of crafts, music, and games. Everything was free and it really was a lot of fun. I (Matt) was able to spend a little one-on-one Daddy time with each kids, which was nice for a change. But, Sunday...Sunday was rough. It seems like our kids are never happy unless we are 100% engaged. Obviously this means that someone is always crying, screaming, or complaining. What is going on? We love being parents, but this is insane!
I guess the point of this post is to ask for suggestions. What do other families do on weekends? Is there a way that someone has found to squeeze a little house-work in with fun engaging activity? What does everyone's weekend schedule look like? Seriously, we are open to hear all suggestions. We are feeling a bit lost in this. Thanks in advance.

I just wanna change the world

Is that so wrong?
OK- I'm not much of a "self starter". I am unmotivated, unreliable, easily bored, etc. Jobs have always been hard for me. Wow. That sounded bad. Let me put it this way: I didn't finish college (at all), and never got that one big job. I have held an assortment of lame jobs that I felt no connection to.
Thank GOD for motherhood and the ability to NOT work. Phew. But, now I'm gone everyday, working at our preschool co-op, or going to story time, or whatever kid related thing I signed up for that day. And I freaking love it. I've had the chance to use some of my real actual gifts (aside from the one I used previously....alphabetizing files).
I get to sing, draw, create, etc, and it's been really great.I've also been able to spread my love of baby wearing, breastfeeding and all things earthy and fun.
This Saturday there is a Kids Expo and I'm excited that our Co-op gets a booth and we are using it for Natural parenting advocacy! We are bringing cloth diapers, baby carriers, and tons of resources and info for parents to peruse or possibly ridicule (hopefully not that last one!!!). I'm very excited!
I get a little too crazy though, as Matt would tell you. I take on too much. I cant follow through on everything I commit to. And I'm realizing how contrary that is to the "Simple" life I want.
I'm just glad I'm doing SOMETHING....FINALLY. I need to learn some balance.

Dream World

"You've been living in a dream world, Neo." Morpheus haunts me. I had a professor that looked, acted, and talked just like the character from the Matrix. When we were still in college, he took Carolyn and I out to dinner in a little over-priced bistro in Nyack, NY. I don't remember much about the dinner, but I will never forget our conversation later that night.

Dr. M (we'll call him) was a very interesting man, he regularly left for days on end to play piano for Russian and Chinese Royalty, but he lived in our dorm building, in a small dorm room (at least he had a private bath) right between students. Every morning he walked the halls in his bathrobe and was a regular at all of the guy's dorm happenings. But he carried himself with grandiose stature and commanding presence. He was also very mysterious, mischievous and wise beyond words. He took a small handful of us into his care and built into us in ways that I am just now beginning to understand. To some he was like a father. To others, he was like a brother. To me, he was like a sage.

Like many college students, I was rambling through life without much experience. He gave me plenty in very little time. He was well versed in all of the subjects that intrigued me: philosophy, art, music, literature. He spoke of them on levels that I had never considered and forced me to keep up with his ramblings. So, when we returned from dinner and Carolyn had gone up to her room I was anxious for his take on my newfound love.

Dr. M, dressed in a dapper suit complete with a long black trench coat (I kid you not, he seriously looked like Morpheus and talked with the same calculated deep tone), stopped walking, put his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes.

"Carolyn is a very special girl. She is exactly what you need." He turned and walked away. So did I. "Also, Matt...you don't deserve her."
His last line bothered me. Why not? Why don't I deserve her? Of course I do! But now, I understand.

We live in a world of plenty. But, very few of us have any. And those of us that have, have a lot. Those of us that have, feel entitled. The media tells us that we deserve a lot of things. We tell each other that we deserve better. We tell ourselves that we deserve the best. But, really, none of us deserve anything.
So, when we get a shiny new thing (whatever it is) we call it a blessing, or a happy stroke of luck. But, if getting things is a blessing, then why do millions of people not get blessed? That does not jive with my understanding of God, the Universe and everything.

Thoreau said, "A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone." I think he is on to something. Maybe the "things" that we work so hard for are really challenges, tests, opportunities. They are not blessings. That makes more sense. Those of us that have more, are more challenged than those with less. So what do we do with the entitlement mentality? Toss it.

When Dr. M told me that I didn't "deserve" Carolyn, he was bringing up a very good point. She was a challenge for me (and still is :)) and to think I deserved her love was to completely miss the point of our relationship. He later elaborated on why Carolyn was good for me. And I took all he said in. Most of it did not make sense for a long time. But now I realize the truth, "there is no spoon," (sorry, I couldn't resist) but seriously, the truth is that Carolyn and I are perfectly matched.

Okay, this has been a long way to the point, so thanks for hanging in there. Carolyn and I are living in a dream world right now. Nothing is as it seemed. Our world view is changing. Our perspective on God is changing. Our needs, wants, dreams are changing. In a very real sense we feel lost at sea. But, we are also pretty sure that we're heading in the right direction. I'm glad that we are together on this journey. Dr. M was right, I don't deserve her, but, she's exactly what I need.

Somewhere Else

Ah, Fall is in the air. It is cooling down and the trees are beginning to turn. I love the fall. Every sense in me awakens during this season. The air smells better, the light is more abstract and the food tastes better.
We spent Saturday in Apple Hill, a collection of small apples orchards and farmers markets not far from our home. We found some delicious fruit and preserves and indulged in fudge/caramel apples--complete with sprinkles. One of the larger farms also has pony rides. Once Violet saw the ponies...we were going. Period. End of discussion.
Wyatt and Violet saddled up and were rather uncooperative (as far as my photographic agenda was concerned) which I mentioned to my wife. "They're somewhere else, Matt. Wyatt is a cowboy on some far away range and Violet is gliding through the forest on a unicorn's back."
I've thought about that a lot since Saturday morning. Of course, Carolyn was right. The kids were somewhere else while they rode. That is the beauty of being young and untainted by responsibility. Kids can imagine things so closley to reality that the two somehow intermingle and coexist. When we grow into cynicism and self-doubt and rampant responsibility, a fissure begins to divide our worlds. Often we jump toward our dreams and fall short, clinging reluctantly onto someday. As the chasm gets wider and deeper, we try to find a way to cross, but it is a nearly impossible task.
Our dreams are important. I believe they are God's way of directing us toward earthly fulfillment, but when dreams begin to happen somewhere else, life loses its luster. That's where I have found myself a lot in the past few years.
Children are closer to God, they have less between them and eternity. They have less of a false self to protect from an all-seeing creator so they are able to operate in both worlds simultaneously, so maybe...just maybe; the better we get to know God, the more we too can bring our dreams and our reality closer together. Maybe we can truly live now and live in a dream world at the same time. I like to think so.

Goodbye Girl

Today was a little tough, we had to say goodbye to a good friend. Mel (Melody) has been the family dog for almost three years now. We adopted her from a friend. She was always gentle with our children and frighteningly vicious when she sensed trouble. She was fun and wry, but she was also very old.
It has always been tough for me to lose an animal. I don't really know why. Maybe it's because I feel like they are my responsibility. It has always hurt me deeply.
I haven't had time to really process Mel's death, but now that the house is quiet I miss her panting. Somehow it just doesn't feel like home without her here. I guess this post has very little to do with simplicity except that life is precious, even if it's the life of a family pet.

Stumbling around in my soul

Ok, I was going to post this in my own blog, but, eh- that seems like alot of effort when I could post it right here, right now.

One thing that has spurred me personally on this journey to simplicity has been questioning my beliefs. At first it was just questioning the things related to material things. But it has been a deeper rabbit hole than I first expected.

I've found myself for the first time in my life surround by people who don't believe as I do. I would have, in my old thinking, called them simply, NON-Christians. Thus implying somehow that they were non-people. Because thats what I thought.

Why wouldn't you be a Christian? What could possibly be wrong with the way I believe, worship, live?

Well, theres a lot for me to say about all this, but I'm going to give you the Cliff Notes version as I'm just plain tired right now.

Being surrounded by people who haven't been raised in COnservative Christian families has really shaken me. Because they are often much more Christ-like than the Christians I've been around all these years. There is so much honesty, so much ease, so little legalistic drama and ego.

It's freaking me out.

What have I been doing all these years?

Now, don't hear me wrong- I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I know the Spirit dwells in me every moment. I want to follow Christs teachings.

But the whole American Christian culture thing is left me with a resounding "yuck".

So, what am I reading? Where am I headed?

I've read everything Rob Bell has written so far. I feel like Velvet Elvis really started this transformation for me. And his NOOMA videos remind me of whats still RIGHT about Christianity.

I read Dance of the Dissident Daughter, by Sue Monk Kidd. Amazing book. Disturbed me profoundly. She makes some great points, and I was really inspired (or enabled) to search deeper into the roots of what I believe. But, I have to say, I'm still processing a lot of that book as, it was very troubling for me in some ways.

I talked to a Pastor last month about whats going with me. I told him a lot of my friends are Pagan, or at least, kicking the tires on becoming Pagan. I feel like a lot of the Pagan belief resonate with what I've always felt or "known". So, the Pastor suggested I look into the early Christians in Europe- the Celtic people.

I didn't look exactly where he told me too. I read a book called Listening to the Heartbeat of God. It talks about the time where the Celtic people were evangelized and at what point the earth based beliefs where abandoned and the church based beliefs became standard. Very interesting. And still....disturbing for me.

I also read a book called Pagans and Christian by Gus DiZerga. It's written from a Wiccan point of view (yes....GASP...Wiccan). It compares and contrasts Christianity and Pagan beliefs, calling for unity between the two. Very informational. The jury is still out on this one...but it helped me understand what the HECK Wicca is. And I think that's important, since I have a few friends who consider themselves Wiccan.

So next I'm off to read Celtic Christianity. I haven't started yet- I'll let you know.

Some scary territory for a nice closed minded Christian girl. But I know at the end of the day that I'm together with the Holy Spirit. And I am comforted by the songs I've known all my life. Whenever I feel sort of lost I sing:

I life my eyes up, unto the mountain
Where does my help come from
My help comes from you, maker of heaven
Creator of the earth
Oh how I need you Lord you are my only hope
You're my only friend
And so I'll wait for you to come and rescue me
Come and give me life

The photo I submitted here is of a drawing I did for my old church. I have always liked this one in particular. My Jesus. I just want to know who he is.

Weekend Walks and Mud Pies

Saturday's usually end up a mess in our home. Usually, we plan a terrific amount of house work , yard work, and DIY projects into the morning followed by tremendous childlike adventures in the afternoon. By Saturday at lunch, nothing is done, everyone is angry, hungry, tired and the day is pretty much lost. So, this week, we changed it up and decided to spend our Saturday playing.
I came home from work a little early on Friday to an interesting scene. Our three children had found the hose and a lot of dirt...the fun began. By the time I arrived, Scarlet looked like a pirate. Captain Mudbeard (okay, cheezy, I know, but...).Upon seeing their faces, I knew that we had to go on an adventure. So we packed up and left for the park...on foot. We have a very nice park a little over a mile from our home. Usually we drive, but why? Well, usually, Violet (3yrs.) is why we drive. She's quickly becoming very heavy to carry and she loves to dawdle, so walking to the end of our driveway is often a time-consuming challenge. This weekend was different. She was excited at the prospect of an "a-ven-ter" and walked both ways without much prodding. We spent an hour or so at the park playing, laying around looking up at a bright blue sky through the trees, and picking ripe blackberries. Then we made the trek back home.
We walked in and there was a message from my mother-in-law, asking if she could take the kids for the evening. The kids were elated, Carolyn and I were excited for some very rare alone time, so we accepted. Carolyn and I spent the next few hours dreaming about our next adventure (keep looking for details) and enjoying a well earned ice cream dessert. We toped the evening with coffee and a good book. I cannot remember a more simple, relaxing, enjoyable weekend...and we have two more days to go.

Fair Money

We went to the California State Fair today. It has become a tradition and Carolyn and I had set apart some money for the trip (it always seems to cost a lot more than we anticipate) and made sure it was in cash so we wouldn't be tempted to overspend. We loaded up the backpacks with healthy snacks, the Kleen Kanteens with water and headed off for a day of fun.
We had to park a LONNNNNG way from the gate and enjoyed the walk. On the way we passed a man who was just sitting down to pan-handle. Wyatt saw him first, "Dad, that man needs some money, do we have some to give him?"
"Yes, we do." I handed the man some of our fair money and had the pleasure of exchanging smiles with someone that often goes overlooked. As we walked away, I was able to praise my son for his willingness to give without a second thought. I told him that he was a very thoughtful person and that he should never think twice about giving to those in need, especially when others have excuses to not give. "There is never a good reason to not give to someone when you are able to, Wyatt."
Many of you have asked about what we have been reading, learning, and thinking over the past few months. Poverty has been the foremost on my mind. A little while back I read a book called The Irresistible Revolution, and it is just beginning to take hold of my daily actions...a little. (Check out the Author here) I wish more Christians thought and acted like the author of that book. Apparently, we have gone the way of zealots rather than radical lovers of God, people, and this world. It's no wonder that Jesus had a lot of nasty feelings for the religious leaders he ran into.
We will always have the poor. I'm beginning to understand that simplicity demands equality. If we remove the boarders of race, economics, or whatever; we are all on the same plane, and life is a lot less complex. We don't have to pretend, posture, ignore, or save face...we can just simply live, together. So poverty is a simple border to remove.
Let's all be honest with ourselves for a moment. If we are reading this blog, we have access to the internet and a computer...congratulations, we are richer than 90% of the world.
So, what can you afford to give? Only you can answer that question. But, let me finish my story before you go and figure it out.
We had a great day, we saw all of the livestock, petted a few animals, checked out a sustainable farming exhibit, ate cotton candy, ate some decent Thai food, walked a lot, and the kids each rode several carnival rides and even got a prize to take home. As we drove out of the parking lot I realized that we still had $8.00 left. Our entire day cost less than we had planned and we were able to give a very nice gift to a homeless man who needed it more than we did. It was a great day.

Avoidance

I have been avioding posting for weeks and week now.

Summer is so weird now that I have a school aged child. My schedule has been so messed up- as well as my already sketchy priorities.

But I'm happy to say school starts a week from today and thus the normal everyay routine of getting up at 7, getting out, walking, getting home, doing laundry etc is about to begin!

I have so many goals for the fall- no more avoiding my house- back to taking care of it.

No more avoiding my ideas and vegging out- I want to get thinking again.

And most importantly- no more avoiding my goal of simplicity. It hit me yesterday as I was heading home from a weekend away from the kids (it was our anniversary).

I have largely ignored my pledge of simple living this last month or so. Materialism is so deceptive and it's one of my biggest flaws.

But I haven't been totally shopping or anything- I've just had my mind on different things and the stuff mongering kinda came in through the back door when I wasn't looking.

I've been going through some spiritual stuff this summer- really trying to find out what I believe and research for myself instead of depending on what I've always been told. This has been scary, but productive. I love what I'm learning about God right now- and I've got so much more to learn.

So no more avoiding my practical everyday life- back on track. Back to my priorities of using and consuming less.

Hi....I'm back.

The Pursuit of Time

I've been thinking...
Time. If I could really simplify my life to it's fullest potential, would I have more or less free time? What is free time anyway? I always thought that simplicity would require less time. In other words, as our lives became less cluttered with stuff, we would have more time to enjoy the things that mattered. Unfortunately, this threw me into a bit of a tailspin.
As I am beginning to un-learn the "more is better" approach to life, I am becoming aware that I don't really know what matters to me, outside of a few obvious things (i.e. God, Family, Friends, the Environment). So, like I always do, I have begun to obsessively pursue an answer, but finding out what matters most is a tough proposition. Life is always in flux, what matters now may only matter for a short time. Other thing may always matter. So what am I trying to find this time for anyway?
I'm not exactly certain what the answer is or if there even is an answer. But, I am beginning to understand this...
Simplicity does not often yield time. In fact, it often requires more time to take a simple and constructive approach to life. So, maybe, more time is not what is important. Maybe, like the Amish have found, simplicity lies in hard work and close ties to the community around us. By making a little place in the world with our friends simplicity can be found. Then all time will be free, because all of our time will be focused on the BIG things, the never-changing things that matter.

See-Saw

Sorry. We've been really busy lately. Summer has been full of adventure and challenge ...and unfortunately, we have left a lot unsaid. Where to start...

We have been up and down a lot in the past few months. Some days, simplicity seems almost attainable; other days, obscenely distant. I was ruminating on the past few weeks today and came to a realization. Bear with me, this is a work in progress.

I have always thought that balance was something to strive for. I always thought that there was a line of sorts in life that each person could walk down and be balanced. If they strayed from the line, life was out of balance and therefore less than perfect. This metaphor seemed to work because it was always able to explain the times life stunk. It stunk because the person's life was out of balance. As I grew older this made less and less sense, but old habits die hard, so I stuck with it.

The past few months of our journey have been wholly different than the first few months. In the beginning, it was easy to stay on track. Our fervor made up for several holes in the plan. But, as time goes on, our fervor has been replaced with tired fear and; often, a sense of hopelessness. There have been many days where it seems impossible to live with less, buy less, be more sustainable. Sometimes we just feel like saying, "Ah screw it, it was a nice try. Where do we shop first?"

Today, I was reminded that this journey was never meant to be an experiment, it was meant to be a change in our life-rhythm. And then it hit me! Balance is like a see-saw.

If you've ever ridden a see-saw (and if you haven't, shut off the computer and go to the park immediately) you know how difficult it is to balance in mid-air. It's much easier to go up, then down, then back up again. The beauty of this analogy, is that it leaves room for life. When we're going down, we know that we'll come back up in a moment. Also, other people are involved. It takes two to ride a see-saw, it takes a community to live simply. Thirdly, we have a lot more control on the speed of our ascent and descent. All you have to do is shift your weight a little and the speed of your life can change dramatically, which brings me to the point of this post...

When we decided to simplify, we were on the way up. We shifted a lot of our weight and shot to the moon for a time, but with our head in the clouds, we laid back and fell out of the sky. For a time, we lost the beauty of simplicity in order to conquer it, we've posted about that before (Here). Well now we are shifting our weight again and are beginning to rise, slowly, but rise none-the-less.

Thanks for all the email and comment/post reminders that we are part of a community, we promise to stop being so distant and let you back in on our journey and our lives, as long as you promise to push up when your down and sit back a little when your up. That will make this see-saw work a lot better.

Need help with priorities? I recommend Rotavirus.

Or whatever it was that ripped through my family this week.

We were all bed-ridden for the last two days, but it couldn't have been better for my soul. When everyones sick- you are down to the basics of survival. Water, simple foods, shelter. A clean toilet helps too.

My kids have been rough so far this summer and I've been having trouble liking them. Not loving them....LIKING them. But when they are all sick and weak and snuggly- I remember that these are my babies...my sweet babies.

And this house- when I'm sick, this tiny dirty house is ENOUGH. Not too small- just fine for now.

And when I'm throwing up...I'm not obsessing over getting another tie-dye skirt, or new fabric for couch covers, or new lip gloss. I don't feel the need to go out and get a fancy meal or a mocha- I'm just trying to get my stomach to stop cramping.

Yeah, it's kinda sad that vomiting and body aches are what it takes to set me right- but at least theres hope for me. I just hope I can see the light more often and with less bodily affliction.

Sorry- no photo this time---theres nothing you want to see here right now.

A princess turns 30

This month has flown.

I mean- last month (June) flew. I cant believe we are already in the middle of the summer. Its so crazy how life rolls. There are days that seem so long and then, there are days you hardly remember.

In all this it has been SOOOO easy to get materialistic. Epsecially me.

My birthday was in June and that ALWAYS gives me a sense of entitlement. I really tried to look at it as a time for introspection and inspiration- but really, I tend to see my birthday as a time to go buck wild at the mall.

Like Matts last post said- we've backslidden quite a bit.

I always dump all my wants on my birthday. This year it was a new Espresso machine, a number of new wraps (baby carriers), new shoes, maybe a camera. I guess I just lose my head and start thinking of all the limitless possiblities as far as birthday presents go.

I always get myself into a slump over this- of course I cant get all those things. I think the problem is the fact that I even feel like I SHOULD have those things.

For example- the Espresso machine- the only reason I want a new one is because I know I dont have the BEST one. Yes- I'm that much of a snob! Or maybe princess is a better term.

Yikes. I dont want to be a princess. I HATE that term. But I should be honest with myself- that is my mentality as far as what I need to make my life happy. Sometimes you discover really scary things about yourself.

As far as reality goes, I got a lot of stuff anyway. I'm plenty blessed and my family loves me. I'm only really entitled to life and love.

So, I may be a year older, but I still have a lot of growing up to do.

Big Fat Stinking Do Over

I miss do overs. Do you remember being a kid and missing the ball? "Do over!" Remember when you spun a terrible spin in a board game? "Do over!" I wish do overs were just that simple; but, like many things in life, do overs fade as we get older.
I'm not sure that we can never reclaim do overs, in fact I hope that we can, but it sure seems like there are a lot less of them to use when you "grow up." Well, right now...Carolyn and I need a Big Fat Stinking Do Over.
We've pretty much lost the edge and passion for change in regards to simplicity. We have slipped (not too big, but enough to impact us) back into consumerism a bit. We've given up and bought new a few times too many. We've made sporadic purchases that were unwarranted and unneeded. Most of all, we have just about lost all of our creative juice in making the whole thing workable.
We didn't realize how tenacious one must be to really live simply. It's like walking on a mountain pass, one or two false steps and you're cascading down the mountain side into an abyss. All this to say..."Can we have a do over?"
Obviously, our struggle has been in isolation (hiding from the accountability of friends and fellow earthlings) so here we are, laying it all out again. Hold us to it, we need your help. Simplicity CANNOT happen without community. Isolation is our worst enemy.

Blessings

Such good things!

We are so blessed. All of us are. But we really felt it this weekend, I think. We live about 25 minutes away from a beautiful lake, and our friends invited us to join them in camping Friday night.

We have fished there before, but never camped as the campground seemed kinda lame. But they said they only camp where they have to boat in. And boy, was it awesome! We had our own little peninsula -almost like an island. There was no one out there this weekend, either!!

The weather was gorgeous and the kids were easy.

My friend found this beautiful moth on the shore by our campsite. It was dying, but this allowed us to be blessed by it and take in all it's details.

There are so many things we miss in the rush of life and it's never ending needs. Theres so much to see and feel and hear NOW. So many blessings just sitting on rocks or laying in the woods.

I hope to slow down more.