See-Saw

Sorry. We've been really busy lately. Summer has been full of adventure and challenge ...and unfortunately, we have left a lot unsaid. Where to start...

We have been up and down a lot in the past few months. Some days, simplicity seems almost attainable; other days, obscenely distant. I was ruminating on the past few weeks today and came to a realization. Bear with me, this is a work in progress.

I have always thought that balance was something to strive for. I always thought that there was a line of sorts in life that each person could walk down and be balanced. If they strayed from the line, life was out of balance and therefore less than perfect. This metaphor seemed to work because it was always able to explain the times life stunk. It stunk because the person's life was out of balance. As I grew older this made less and less sense, but old habits die hard, so I stuck with it.

The past few months of our journey have been wholly different than the first few months. In the beginning, it was easy to stay on track. Our fervor made up for several holes in the plan. But, as time goes on, our fervor has been replaced with tired fear and; often, a sense of hopelessness. There have been many days where it seems impossible to live with less, buy less, be more sustainable. Sometimes we just feel like saying, "Ah screw it, it was a nice try. Where do we shop first?"

Today, I was reminded that this journey was never meant to be an experiment, it was meant to be a change in our life-rhythm. And then it hit me! Balance is like a see-saw.

If you've ever ridden a see-saw (and if you haven't, shut off the computer and go to the park immediately) you know how difficult it is to balance in mid-air. It's much easier to go up, then down, then back up again. The beauty of this analogy, is that it leaves room for life. When we're going down, we know that we'll come back up in a moment. Also, other people are involved. It takes two to ride a see-saw, it takes a community to live simply. Thirdly, we have a lot more control on the speed of our ascent and descent. All you have to do is shift your weight a little and the speed of your life can change dramatically, which brings me to the point of this post...

When we decided to simplify, we were on the way up. We shifted a lot of our weight and shot to the moon for a time, but with our head in the clouds, we laid back and fell out of the sky. For a time, we lost the beauty of simplicity in order to conquer it, we've posted about that before (Here). Well now we are shifting our weight again and are beginning to rise, slowly, but rise none-the-less.

Thanks for all the email and comment/post reminders that we are part of a community, we promise to stop being so distant and let you back in on our journey and our lives, as long as you promise to push up when your down and sit back a little when your up. That will make this see-saw work a lot better.

Need help with priorities? I recommend Rotavirus.

Or whatever it was that ripped through my family this week.

We were all bed-ridden for the last two days, but it couldn't have been better for my soul. When everyones sick- you are down to the basics of survival. Water, simple foods, shelter. A clean toilet helps too.

My kids have been rough so far this summer and I've been having trouble liking them. Not loving them....LIKING them. But when they are all sick and weak and snuggly- I remember that these are my babies...my sweet babies.

And this house- when I'm sick, this tiny dirty house is ENOUGH. Not too small- just fine for now.

And when I'm throwing up...I'm not obsessing over getting another tie-dye skirt, or new fabric for couch covers, or new lip gloss. I don't feel the need to go out and get a fancy meal or a mocha- I'm just trying to get my stomach to stop cramping.

Yeah, it's kinda sad that vomiting and body aches are what it takes to set me right- but at least theres hope for me. I just hope I can see the light more often and with less bodily affliction.

Sorry- no photo this time---theres nothing you want to see here right now.

A princess turns 30

This month has flown.

I mean- last month (June) flew. I cant believe we are already in the middle of the summer. Its so crazy how life rolls. There are days that seem so long and then, there are days you hardly remember.

In all this it has been SOOOO easy to get materialistic. Epsecially me.

My birthday was in June and that ALWAYS gives me a sense of entitlement. I really tried to look at it as a time for introspection and inspiration- but really, I tend to see my birthday as a time to go buck wild at the mall.

Like Matts last post said- we've backslidden quite a bit.

I always dump all my wants on my birthday. This year it was a new Espresso machine, a number of new wraps (baby carriers), new shoes, maybe a camera. I guess I just lose my head and start thinking of all the limitless possiblities as far as birthday presents go.

I always get myself into a slump over this- of course I cant get all those things. I think the problem is the fact that I even feel like I SHOULD have those things.

For example- the Espresso machine- the only reason I want a new one is because I know I dont have the BEST one. Yes- I'm that much of a snob! Or maybe princess is a better term.

Yikes. I dont want to be a princess. I HATE that term. But I should be honest with myself- that is my mentality as far as what I need to make my life happy. Sometimes you discover really scary things about yourself.

As far as reality goes, I got a lot of stuff anyway. I'm plenty blessed and my family loves me. I'm only really entitled to life and love.

So, I may be a year older, but I still have a lot of growing up to do.

Big Fat Stinking Do Over

I miss do overs. Do you remember being a kid and missing the ball? "Do over!" Remember when you spun a terrible spin in a board game? "Do over!" I wish do overs were just that simple; but, like many things in life, do overs fade as we get older.
I'm not sure that we can never reclaim do overs, in fact I hope that we can, but it sure seems like there are a lot less of them to use when you "grow up." Well, right now...Carolyn and I need a Big Fat Stinking Do Over.
We've pretty much lost the edge and passion for change in regards to simplicity. We have slipped (not too big, but enough to impact us) back into consumerism a bit. We've given up and bought new a few times too many. We've made sporadic purchases that were unwarranted and unneeded. Most of all, we have just about lost all of our creative juice in making the whole thing workable.
We didn't realize how tenacious one must be to really live simply. It's like walking on a mountain pass, one or two false steps and you're cascading down the mountain side into an abyss. All this to say..."Can we have a do over?"
Obviously, our struggle has been in isolation (hiding from the accountability of friends and fellow earthlings) so here we are, laying it all out again. Hold us to it, we need your help. Simplicity CANNOT happen without community. Isolation is our worst enemy.

Blessings

Such good things!

We are so blessed. All of us are. But we really felt it this weekend, I think. We live about 25 minutes away from a beautiful lake, and our friends invited us to join them in camping Friday night.

We have fished there before, but never camped as the campground seemed kinda lame. But they said they only camp where they have to boat in. And boy, was it awesome! We had our own little peninsula -almost like an island. There was no one out there this weekend, either!!

The weather was gorgeous and the kids were easy.

My friend found this beautiful moth on the shore by our campsite. It was dying, but this allowed us to be blessed by it and take in all it's details.

There are so many things we miss in the rush of life and it's never ending needs. Theres so much to see and feel and hear NOW. So many blessings just sitting on rocks or laying in the woods.

I hope to slow down more.

How to Ruin a Weekend

This weekend sucked! Well, in the end...I guess it turned out okay, but it was touch and go for most of it.

Carolyn and I are in the toughest season of parenthood we have yet faced. Three little ones who all need different things at different times for different reasons. We are physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally spent. Knowing this we begged and pleaded some family for a few hours of wrestling our children so we could sneak away to a nice dinner. We wanted to eat where we could sit and talk without seven trips to the bathroom, without ducking flying pasta, without answering the same question asked a dozen different ways. We wanted to go to a place that didn't serve chicken fingers or have crazy straws or place mats that you color. So we picked the perfect place...

Have you ever gotten a call that you wanted to ignore because you knew what was coming? Well on Friday afternoon, our child care was no more...meaning our night out was no more. We had nothing prepared and were very low on groceries, so we packed the kids up and went out to eat. The kids gave us a little grace, but the evening was far from the romantic refreshing evening out that we had expected.

Saturday we got groceries, a dresser (we've need one for a long time and haven't been able to russle one up at a garage sale or thrift store so we went to Ikea and bought sensible). After half a day of shopping, we went to a family birthday party and endured a lot of jesting about how exhausted we looked, how tough our kids were, how we, "really should think about birth control."

Before either of us lost it, we went home and woke up to a mess on Sunday morning. We spent the entire day cleaning. We're barley within eye shot of finishing. But alas, it is midnight and we're exhausted.

I guess there is nothing to say...I just needed to vent.

It is amazing though; it's after midnight and everyone is asleep except me. I just went around checking beds and I cannot help but think that as tough as life is right now, I wouldn't trade parenthood for anything. I just hope my wife and I can survive it with something left for each other. But, then again, we're one being...so she doesn't have a choice ;))

Back

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore.
Dream.
Discover.

– Mark Twain

I'm back...sort of. For those that missed it, I left last Thursday morning before any sane individual should be awake and began a long drive, some 1400 miles, to Nebraska. Four days later, on Sunday night at 9:00 pm, I arrived home again, a little different than before.
Any journey claims a part of your soul, but, in it's place it leaves a newness. A part that didn't exist in such reality before. Travel makes a person more whole than they were. Before I left, I felt a hole, an emptiness that had be festering in me for some time. I often speak of finding life in the simplicity of life, but, on this fast-paced long-distance jaunt across the country I found a little bit of life in complexity. Maybe the two aren't so far apart. Or, maybe they are so far apart that they meet again like north meets south at the apex of our little planet.
Any quest that takes you past the front door has the potential to change your worldview forever. Once again, I found that seeing new places and meeting new people was like breathing fresh air after a long dive under water. I had never before drank in the beautiful expanse of prairie that lies between Utah and Iowa. Wyoming was enormously empty. Nebraska, like another world.
I spent one evening eating at a local steak house. My Father, Friend, and I sat in a booth surrounded by local wait staff that had never met anyone from New Jersey or California. They weren't sure how to take us. They gazed at us as we belly laughed over humorous observations and long-winded tall tales. They engaged us on the most touristy banter we could summon. Most of all, they had fun as we did. It never ceases to amaze me that no matter how far one goes from home, there are familiar people always at hand. Humankind is built so well to co-exist, but, we fight it in the most horrible ways. Each time I go somewhere new and meet someone new I realize that I've met them before and I don't want to leave them behind again.
I drove to Nebraska, but the journey was going home...by a slightly longer route. Take the long way home from somewhere today and see what I mean.

*On a further note...I am beginning another journey on Friday. I will be joining thousands of other aspiring screewriters in Script Frenzy, a thirty day marathon to a finished script. I will be blogging about the mania at The Rhythm Journal. Please swing by and help me stay motivated.

A treasure on the roadside

More karmic garage sale finds!

I have wanted some artwork in the living room for a while and just couldn't find anything unique enough to make me put it up. I wanted something meaningful- but not hokey.

I also have been wanting to collect old paint by numbers pieces- but havent found any that I liked yet.

Saturday I was in town and spotted this at a garage sale. I hit the brakes and hopped out- the lady told me I could have it for $2!!!

I love it- it's exactly what I wanted and matches my house perfectly!

Home as inspiration

This statement has not exactly desrcibed where I live. Perhaps "Home as frustration" or, "Home as a lesson in character building" would be better for describing how I've felt about this place.

I've wanted to be an artist all my life, but I've never found my niche- I hope to someday. And I hope that my home would be a place I could be inspired to experiment and practice.

I always pictured myself with a studio and a big garden with funky sculptures. This would be where I could create. Well- there is no studio here- no place to put one. Not even a corner for my easel or a desk where I could sketch or sew or paint. I tend to feel sorry for myself with this.

As I learn to live in this small space, I am realizing I cant keep waiting to make it my space- the place I've dreamed of.

This last weekend, Matt was gone and I decided, since we had the paint and flooring already, I was going to redo our upstairs bathroom. I had some help from my friend, and from my mom- and I love the way it turned out.

The project inspired me to get out my brush and start creating a little.














And I moved downstairs to the other bathroom which was brightly painted but really lacked personality.














I went a little buckwild- but I never questioned myself and just went for it- and I like it!

Now, the rest of the house is trashed, but, hey, I'm catching a vision here!!!

The good thing about painting like this is that is cost almost no $$- I always have craft paint around.

Identity

So much of this whole journey we're on is messing with our identities. All the failures and successes with doing the Compact and just trying to ditch consumerism has meant that Matt and I have had to take a hard look at ourselves.

My first reaction? Yikes.

But I feel like I'm starting to come into myself- I think.

For me, I have lumped my indentity mostly in what other people think of me. I thought I had it tied up in "stuff" mostly, but no, I'm sure now that the whole people pleasing thing takes the cake.

I have always seen my physical appearance as sort of metaphorical somehow. So, I felt it was time to say "I find my security in God." again.

I have had blue streaks off and on- but never this big- and I love it. It irritates the heck out of my parents- but I'm trying to let go of all that. I want my life to be about subversing- not adhering to the normal.

And I want to have fun.

Please excuse the poser face I'm making in this photo. I realize I'm not 17 anymore and I'm not on a photo shoot or anything (or a cheesy myspace). I have always taken a bunch of over-prepared pictures of myself to sort of find myself somewhere in them. But that is a result if not being happy with my real face. But thats another post.

Sitting Waiting

This is going to be a rough week. I'm going on a bit of a journey next weekend and, as usual, I'm a bit anxious. I love to travel. I'm not very good at waiting though. My friend and I will set out on Thursday morning and drive twenty-so hours to a little town in the middle of Nebraska.
I have allowed the details of the excursion to stress me this week. I know the kids are feeling my stress and Carolyn is trying so hard to be supportive, but, I'm sure she wants to tell me to suck it up and relax. Why do I stress so much about traveling? Well, I think that it comes from a similar place as my consumerism. How are they connected? Well...in more ways than I first thought.
The fear that I deal with the most is the inability to provide. I was taught that in order to be a "man" I needed to provide several things for my family, friends, and myself. If I did not provide said things, I would be a failure. The list of necessary provisions include a safe home in a nice area, a nice car, a sizable bank account, a secure job in a prominent institution, a few interesting hobbies, and most importantly...a big, strong, stoic, frighteningly secure demeanor. The list is a tall order. I'm beginning to get past some of the preconceptions, but, it takes a long time to rid one's self of years of programming.
The fear of not being able to provide is compounded by our overly consumeristic culture. Because, not only do I have the preprogramed list for success, I also have society's list as well. Aghhhh!
Traveling adds another element to the muck and mire, because now I have to prepare for things that I do not know about, places I haven't been, problems I haven't yet considered. So, what do I do? I plan, prepare, obsess, and ultimately spin myself into a self-induced frenzy of self-doubt, anxiety, and fear. Will I have the right stuff for the trip? Do I have what it takes to succeed on my journey? What do I need for the journey?
As I have considered this for the past few weeks, I realized something odd. The best travelers were not very good planners. Look at some of them. Columbus was going to sail off the end of the world. Good plan. Lewis and Clark were going to see what was over there somewhere. Okay. Mark Twain went all over on a whim. John Muir wandered aimlessly. But all of them carried a journal.
They all recorded the journey. They noticed and recorded where they were, how they got there, what they saw, who they met. They recorded rather than planned. Because they did so, we can relive their journey and we can all gain the wisdom that only comes from leaving home and coming back some time later.
I'm trying so hard to not plan this trip. I'm trying so hard to go with the flow. It is tough, but, I'm going to try it.

Theres just no reason to buy new clothes

Shoes, maybe.

But shirts? Blouses? Nope.

Now- if you are trying to look cool, then yes- buying new is your best bet. I can see even a high powered career being an excuse for some crisp new clothes now and then.

Another reason for new clothes would be if you cant find your size. Or if the catergory of your need is just not sanitary- like undies.

But for the average sized housewife in the hills like myself, I am finding SO much good stuff at our local thrift store.

A J Jill bra tank, awesome tie-dye dresses, jean skirts, linen blouses, sun hats. Even some nice dresses for the girls.

And I'm blessed that this is an old-school Thrift store that still sells clothing for $.50 or under. Last week I purchased a dress and several shirts with my pocket change.

I was destined to Compact.

Killer Alien Roaches

It has become a tradition to get away for my birthday. Each year, for the past three, we have spent the time in Yosemite.
This year we drove through the rain and a sudden snow storm over the hill to a breath-taking site. Half Dome stood spotlighted by the only break in the clouds. Surrounded by rain, fog, and gloom, it stood as a testament to perseverance.
In our time, we explored small nooks and crannies in the rocks, woods, and river banks that we had always missed as we pursued more sizable and substantial views. Upon reflection, I realized that this is becoming more and more normal.
I am officially declaring that the funk is over, I'm finding new fervor and strength in our quest for simplicity. Here is the thing: simplicity is a journey, not a destination...that always sounded trite and pretentious (not to mention hokey) but, it is true. We will never arrive at simplicity, it is a choice that we make hundreds of times each day. But, the evidence that it is taking hold lies in the enjoyment of simple pleasures.
I shot the above picture of Violet as she splashed in puddles left over from the intensely cold rain. I long to find such joy in simple things as my children do. They can make every item in a camp site an adventure. Each rock becomes a space ship or a pirate ship and the ground between suddenly becomes hot lava or shark infested water. There is nothing in a child that says, "How can this be a pirate ship? There aren't any sails..." Children have an uncanny knack for seeing life as they imagine it, and they imagine it is good. They are overtly optimistic while most adults are ridiculously pessimistic. We can't do this because we don't have that. We aren't able to go there because this needs to be done. Our situation will never improve because of...
Finally I saw the space ship and cruised off to uncharted worlds. I battled dragons, swam with sharks, stepped over every crack in the pavement so the world didn't explode; and you know what I found? Joy. Right there, all along, waiting for me to turn off the "can't, won't, shouldn't," machine.
I believe that the wisdom of children lies in the narrowness of their worldview. They aren't concerned with anything they cannot control, this gives them very little to worry about. Add to this ability the faith they have in us (parents) and others and you have a very secure and well adjusted being. Sure, they get scarred about silly things (so do I), sure, they mess up once in a while (so do I) sure, they need help sometimes (getting the picture yet?), but, they can see that life is good, they see where life is good, they see good in all people, they find joy in the most simple things.
I'm tired of being an adult, childhood is a much better way to live. I'm going back. Come out to play if you dare...oh yeah, watch out for the killer alien roaches, they're nasty this time of year.

Happy Birthday to the man of my dreams

Which IS Matt, by the way.

I can't believe he's getting SO OLD. :)

I am so blessed to be married to such a creative, thoughtful and intelligent man. He never ceases to amaze me.

And the best part is, he seems to get better and better with age- so bring on the birthdays!

He puts up alot being married to me, but we have an awful lot of fun.

Happy Birthday, babe- I hope it was a good year!!!!

(sorry for the gushy non-simpleliving post....I just HAD to do it)

All I really need....

Quick post...I'm super sleepy.

We went to Yosemite last weekend and had a blast as usual. Ok- not a blast like when you go on waterslides or something. Yosemite is always different.

It's like going to Mecca. Theres something going on there besides tour buses and pretty sights crowded with a plethora of tourists.

It's like a cathedral or somethng- where you just feel spiritual and everything comesinto focus. It least- thats the effect it has on me. Something about the granite walls and the birds and the meadows. It drowns out all my junk and I can just be.

All my worries about stuff, my tiny messy house, my hair (thats another story), my family....all in perspective.

And with fresh vision, I came home ready to take on this journey of simplicity again. And with that- Compact Karma strikes again and I find myself overflowing in a material need we've had- sheets.

We have been offered 3 or 4 nice sets of king sized sheets.

Maybe not a big deal- but another simple reminder that we have all we need.

NOW

Back to the books. I always turn to books.

We returned from Disneyland on Saturday night and began falling back into the pace of life today. Sunday was sort of a throw-away day as we unpacked, returned a borrowed car (ours needs repair), and went grocery shopping to refill our empty shelves. A good trip always leaves me contemplating life, the universe, and everything (to borrow from Douglas Adams). So it really is no surprise that I broke into the book collection--that I am having a rough time paring down--to seek some direction.

I love books. I love the look, the feel, the smell. I love the prospect of knowledge as you first open a new one and the deep satisfaction when you finally close a long one. So I looked through the shelves and pulled down a book that has been haunting me for a long time. The Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brennan Manning is scratching an itch. Many of you are probably unaware that until two and a half years ago, I was a youth pastor. I left the pastorate for a number of reasons, but among them was a deeply troubling murmur that the church wasn't anything like Jesus.

Jesus seemed to get dirty a lot. He was in the muck and mire. He loved seemingly unlovable people. He was all about love. From my vantage point, the church seemed to be more about maintaining the staus quo, a pseudo-spiritual country club type atmosphere, an almost elitist organization that kept people out by only letting certain types in. Now, with much reflection, I see that my view was amplified by my own set of issues; but, I still think the church is a few ticks off the mark. This book is helping me to see that my frustrations are not isolated.

The journey that this blog chronicles is a physical and fiscal journey but, it is primarily a spiritual journey (and a spiritual journey regardless of your faith affiliation, if any). We set out to find the truth. The truth is: a.) where you find it and b.) BIG, unmissable. What we are finding over and over again is the truth that this world needs help and our consumerism does nothing to help it...period.

The book recounts a Zen story. For brevity, I will paraphrase:

A monk, being chased by a tiger comes to a cliff. Seeing a rope he slides over the precipice only to find a snarl of sharp rocks at the bottom. He is out of rope to descend, he cannot ascend and face the tiger, and to make matters worse, two mice begin to gnaw at his rope. Just then, he sees a ripe strawberry and eats it with the joyous admonition that it is the best strawberry he has ever had.

Manning goes on to say,

Children do not focus on the tigers of the past or the future but only the strawberry that comes in the here and now.

That struck me, because it is what we have been struggling with lately. We cannot return to our past (consumerism) and the future looks bleak. We have often felt like we are running out of rope. But there re plenty of strawberries to enjoy. This problem is not unique to this journey. It is the same reason I left the church and the same reason that I am always looking to books for answers. I live either in the uncertainty of the future or the regret of the past but, rarely in the present.

I have only begun to mentally explore the ramifications of living in the present but, I imagine that it will be a lot more simple than trying to cover the past or prepare for the future. Jesus lived in the present and taught others to do the same. He didn't have a home that we know of and he rarely had his next meal planned. He often instructed his disciples to trust God for their needs and to focus on more important matters. Maybe the church would be more influential if it helped people now, where they are, rather than focusing on preparing them for the future. Maybe I would be a better and more complete person if I focused on what matters NOW more than what will make a brighter future.

Before I close I hope you understand that I believe there are good people, in many religions and cultures, seeking to better this world. There are many that focus on helping people NOW. There are many groups that make the world better in the same ways Jesus did, by feeding the hungry, healing the sick, forgiving the broken, lifted the fallen. But, there are also many churches that need to take a serious look at who they are following versus who they claim to follow. Like wise, I need to really look at how I can make the world better NOW.

I said earlier, that consumerism never made the world a better place. I really believe that. If we didn't consume so much, there would be less poverty, less waste, less pollution, and more quality time. So by slaying that Dragon--in any small way--I am helping to make the world a better place. My choices NOW change the world NOW and in the future.

NOW I need to go to bed.

The Happiest Place...

...on Earth; that's what they say. As many of you know, it has been a season of doubt and frustration; so, we took off for a long weekend in Disneyland.
First of all, thanks. It has been so good to recieve the support of our friends and fellow sojourners. I am a bit underwelmed at the male response, however...I mean, aren't there any guys reading this stuff? Come on men, step up! Okay, off my soap box. Anyway, a long drive and some time on another plane of reality has slowed the wheels a bit and helped us to see how far we've come.
We are in the world of bigger, better, more, faster; but, we seem to be walking a little slower and more purposeful then the others. Okay, before that is taken to be pompous and self-aggrandizing, I simply mean that the glitter of this place seems to WOW a little less than it used to. I notice it especially in our kids. We were here a year ago, on a family (extended) reunion--so to speak-- and it was terrible. We had a great time on the rides and made some great memories, but our kids went batty asking for every trinket, doll, hat, toy, and treat available...and let me remind you, there are thousands.
This year, Wyatt saved his money--we also gave him a little extra--and managed to find one small thing, below his budget that he wanted. Violet didn't ask for a thing until we asked her if she would like to get something, she also chose wisely. Carolyn and I managed to only buy the CD of a street musician that performed an amazing set of children's' blues. Check out his site (www.fattback.com) and you'll understand why...or you'll need to get out more ;)).
We spent quite a bit on the hotel and the park tickets, the food is exorbitantly expensive, but, I think it has been worth it. We are connecting to the kids here like we haven't in a while. I'm beginning to realize how tough this journey has been on them. Not because they needed to change all that much (after all they mostly follow our cues), but, because Carolyn and I have. We have spent a lot of time worrying, and strategizing...okay fine obsessing about simplifying when, in reality, we were completely missing the point. Thanks to all who reminded us of this.
We are on a journey, there is no destination. It should be an adventure; like Pirates of the Caribbean, or Peter Pan. Sometimes, it is going to feel like the Tea Cups, or Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. But, at the end of the day, each day, I want to crash into bed laughing and telling exhausted stories of the magic I experienced, the things I noticed for the first time, the things that are worth living for. I want to pass out and dream dreams that pale in comparison to the days I have had. I want my children to see me as they do here, in "The Happiest Place on Earth." I want them to know that I wasn't forcing them to live with less; but, to live more, with less holding them back from a wild and adventurous life.
It amazes me how quickly simplicity became another addiction, something to obtain and own. As we have said before, the rabbit hole goes a lot deeper than we thought, but, the crux of the matter is this...we have been bred to consume. Even when pursuing intangible things, we go after them like we can hold and own them.
Anyway, it's late, I'm the only one still awake and we are going into the park early tomorrow for one more day. I'm going to make it magical and--hold me to this--I'm going to bring the magic home and remember to find it everyday until it becomes a habit.

Are we losing it?

We might be.

Lately this blog seems to be more about our failures at simplicity than any progress or success.

Perhaps we need to let go of our ideal of simplicity that we have seen on other peoples sites or at other peoples homes, and find our own path.

Does that make sense?

I hope I'm not just justifying amendments we've made to our pact. It's so hard for us to know what is healthy and what is insane. I think we both come from homes that were imbalanced when it came to spending and material wealth.

Like we've said so many times...this rabbit hole goes deeper than we've thought. We've both struggled with depression over all this. I get a serious sense of failure most days.

Well, hang in there with us. Watch us lose it.

Sort of Sideways

April has been a particularly tough month for me. Works sucks. I love the company I work for and I enjoy what I do--most of the time--but, lately it's a struggle to even walk in the office door. I'm struggling with balance. I feel like someone is rocking the world and I've had one too many drinks. The sky doesn't even seem to stand still anymore. Everything is moving and I'm...well...out of control.
I guess that's what this is really about. I feel like I have completely lost the rhythm of simplicity.
While this has been a tough month; in many respects, it has been blessed as well. I'm playing music again. Really playing. I'm back beyond the, "oh yeah, I remember the guitar," stage and I'm beginning to feel the music flow through me. It has been more than a decade since I really felt that, it's refreshing. This weekend there is a Native American Drum and Flute gathering in our area. I'm excited to go and check it out. I have played the flute for some time and I'm looking forward to more exposure. Carolyn--I love her for this--is forcing me (really she won't give me a choice) to take an extra seminar. It will be interesting to get some real instruction on such a unique instrument.
So, life is slipping a little sideways right now, but maybe that is just how the song goes. Maybe this is the bridge before the best verse, I like to think so.

Yikes...off the wagon in everyway

I think the photo shows I'm a mess again. Everytime I think I get this place cleaned up I say "I'll never let it get bad again."

But here we go. Bad. Again.

I got rid of so much stuff- I feel like we cant get rid of much more but I still cant seem to get this place to a point where I can keep it tidy. I am so frustrated. I feel like theres just no place for anything to go!!!

I'm losing it!!!

No wisdom here...just madness. I'll hopefully give you an update when I get control of this place.

Spring Cleaning

It has been one of those years; one where everything seems different. The fall was short and sporadically dispersed between cold wintery days. The winter was only in days, there were no weeks that felt like a solid season. Now, in Georgetown, we are waiting to see if it is really spring. We have a saying here, "It isn't spring until it's snowed on the dogwoods." Every year the dogwoods bloom days before the last snow. Well, they've bloomed...but no snow. This week, it even rained a cold rain, but, no snow. The mountains in the distance are marvelously devoid of the deep white that usually fills the rivers by now and we are left wondering what else will be different this year.
The rhythms of life seem off right now. I wonder how to recapture them, or is this another unnamed season in an unknown land as we journey toward simplicity. It is at times like this that I am convinced there is another world; an unseen yet wholly involved reality swimming quietly beneath the mundane. I can feel is watery flow moving the rocks I thought I had placed securely. Like a river bed in the spring rains, everything inside me is moving, shifting, unsettled and changing beneath the surface of life.
I feel completeley helpless to shape my future; restless as this other-wordly flow moves and places all things anew. I can only hope that when all has been moved and sifted that the bedrock of my life will be left clean and de-cluttered. That the action under me is purifying me in some way. I hope that the water is washing my soul and scouring the polluted past in preparation for a brighter future.

Writing

"Maybe this is an aside to the whole simplifying thing, but I love to write. Then again, I think that decluttering our lives leads to decluttered minds and souls. So maybe it's not an aside, just a bit of a rabbit trail." -from my Journal.
I've been on a bit of a writing frenzy latley. I'm working on a screenplay for a contest deadline in June. This is the first time I have decided to undertake the writing process for anything other than entertainment. It's a bit odd, but, I have noticed that my muse seems less hindered as of late. In fact, the oddest combinations of stories and journal entries have begun to meld into a single unified story. One that is beginning to take shape on the page. Finally.
As I reflect on this, I am beginning to notice a new feeling. It's as if some part of my heart has been unlocked. I find myself seperated from the soul noise that has been so deafening over the past few years. I'm starting to feel, think, and write differently than before. Something has changed. My only guess, this journey.
Before we began this process, I wasn't truly convinced that it would make any tangible difference--except maybe in our bank statement--but, it has. I know, from speaking with many of you and from reading the comments here, that others are experiencing the very same things. I wish more people would give simplifying a try. I wish more people would take a chance as consuming less and find that the process yields freedoms one never expected. It's time for this world to change a little.

Post-Lent

WE DID IT! 40 days of living without. Sure the things we chose seem a bit trite, but, they were significant to our lives in deeper ways.

Matt: I gave up Coke (see Shadows) for Lent. I wish that I could tell you it was easy and that I'm amazed I ever drank it before, but I can't. I decided to break my fast this morning and have a coke or 6. I did miss them, but the experiment wasn't a loss. I learned something about myself, I don't NEED soda, I CAN live without it. I also found out that my soda drinking does have significant effects on my body, to the order of 12 pounds in 40 days (with no other changes) so, while I am not abandoning it totally...I'm making a new resolution, 1 a week. That way I can still enjoy the things I like about it, while being responsible with my health.

Carolyn: I gave up sweets. Ok, well not sugar strictly but cakes, cookies, doughnuts, scones, candy. I was allowed ice cream and pure dark chocolate- two things I don't usually crave-but, would get me out of a dive if needed. I am a comfort eater. I do it to the point where I've wondered if I should seek help-so I felt it would be a good thing for me to depend on God for this time. The funny thing was, without the possiblilty of a gorge-fest, I often forgot to eat dessert and really had very few times where it was even a temptation. Amazing. And like Matt, I lost about 8 pounds. I think I will keep my lenten thing up as well with the once a week crazy baked good party if needed. After eating 3 cookies, 1 Reese's Egg, and some Ice cream today...I feel a little sick.

Through the process of reflection, we both realized that we do truly have all we need through the grace of God. This time of reflection was really proof to us that traditions do have important lessons to teach us. They help us to schedule change into our lives and see if the changes actually make a worthwhile difference. It is one of the ways our faith can help us in real life. It puts flesh on the spiritual and helps us to see the God that cares about the little things in our daily life that echo the bigger things in our souls.

Happy Easter

Well, we just wanted to say Happy Easter to all. And what better way than showing off the faces of our offspring.

This was last Saturday at a community Easter Egg hunt. I was busy painting faces, Matt was "lucky" enough to be in charge of these characters.

We'll be posting about our aventures in giving up things for Lent in the coming week....I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seats!!!!

Ok, so seriously: Have a blessed Easter.

No Wallet Week

In the seemingly endless pursuit of simplicity, I'm giving up this fat beast-at least for a week. In fact, I'm going to make it a psuedo holiday, No Wallet Week. Who's with me?
Okay, the truth is, I have been strugging this week to keep this sucker in my pants-please, the wallet:))I've found a dozen ways to sneak in a meal, coffee, a doughnut, whatever this week, so I'm leaving it home. I'll take out my ID and my insurance card, but the rest is on time out! I'm leaving it home where it can't tempt me during the day. I'm not even brining my ATM card. If I need money for something, I'm going to do it the old fashioned way and plan.
Yeah, take that wallet. I'm not putting up with your, "oh look at me, I have enough credit cards in here for you to splurge a little," crap! You can just stay home and bark at someone who cares.
Okay, I gota go to the bank and get a $20. But seriously, I think that leaving my wallet home this week will take away a little temptation and lighten the load. Who knows maybe I'll like life without it better. It's worth a try.