Apr 20, 2008

At arms length

Ah, dreams! Sweet, wonderful dreams of what life could be! What did you want to be when you grew up? A fireman? A dancer? A doctor?
Well, I wanted to be an actor. And singer. And artist. And forest ranger. Oh, and fashion designer. Lets just say I never had a real cohesive goal.
Then I had kids and I decided I wanted to be a mom. A really really good mom- a career mom for sure.
I'm certainly there, living that dream. But what about the other ones? DO I still want to be a ranger?
Nah, not really. And I can't act, so that ones gone. I could be a very mediocre singer, perhaps, or get more training. And fashion design....I sort of object to that whole industry now, so no.
That leaves artist. And the uphill battle there is wanting to be an artist in a world of millions and millions of other talented people who go to bed thinking the same thing. And being a defeatist of sorts, that has stopped me for years. I haven't even attempted to create much art much less put it out there for ridicule or sale.
But suddenly, I am. I'm painting....for people. Real people and it's the scariest thing ever! And the best.
It's so strange to for once be doing something I really want to do. And I'm amazed at how much it has taken my focus away from say, obsessing about how endlessly inadequate my house is. Or how completely helpless I am in the face of reality when it comes to keeping organized. Yes, I'm blissfully distracted by my new little venture and hope that it will continue!
I read something in a very cool book I got from the library. Someone said, "If you don't have space in your head, you will crave more physical space." Its a book called "Little House on a Small Planet". It's very, very cool, by the way.
I need to remind myself that I am not about my living space. It has not real effect on who I am, my relationship and my dreams. I can still do what I dream to do in the tiny corner of my little house. I can and I AM in a wonderful relationship with an extraordinary man, and I have three cool little kids.
I can create and live a full life even though I have no dishwasher, no bathtub (we have showers, don't worry), no storage, no space for my piano.
I'm living the life I've always wanted, and THAT is enough.


Anonymous said...

That's great that you are finding things to be passionate about!

It probably has something to do with spring, such a time of renewal.

Jennifer said...

I love the photo. What an awesome mama you are - babywearing and painting at the same time!

I'm glad I stumbled on your blog. I can't wait to read more. :)

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you guys found the book "Little House on a Small Planet"! That book is one of my all time favorites! Every single chapter is so good (have you read the parenting one yet?) I wish I had written it, but mostly I'm just glad it got written. Happy painting!

Carolyn said...

I want to buy it! I'm so inspired by it!