Like Riding a Bike

Last fall, my son learned to ride a bike. He was five and had come home from his friends house boldly proclaiming, "I want you to take off my training wheels Daddy." So I did. Then we took him to a nearby park--that is a lot more flat than our property--to send him on the beginning of a very long adventure. When we arrived, he donned his helmet, straddled the seat and pushed off. He coasted for an instant and then POW! He got up, dusted himself off and tried again...POW! After several trys and a little coaching he pushed off again and went almost ten feet until the front wheel turned and he ate it, hard (thank goodness for the facemask). He screamed in frustration and kicked his bike. "I can't do it!" I know just how he feels.

As we pulled into the driveway late last night, the brakes on our van went. It's also time for new tires. Both Carolyn and I have teeth that hurt and the estimate to fix them is well beyond what our insurance will cover. A lot of the kids spring clothes don't fit anymore. I've ruined two of my best work shirts in the past few weeks. We need a new rug (seriously this is a need...trust me, we've thought it out in painstaking finality). Our savings are low. Our bills are high. I can't do this!

(Deep sigh) I am so amazed at how expensive life seems some times. It is no wonder there are so many poor people in this world. When I get into a cycle of depression because of concerns about money it urks me, which sends me swirling deeper into depression. This is a hard time for me. The fire in my belly is waning. I feel like it doesn't matter how much I cut out, cut back, give up, sacrifice; there is no end to the stress that money brings me.

Money traps me. Or, at least, I let it trap me. I have been trying to honestly assess my emotional reaction to financial concerns since we started this journey and I've realized that I have a LONG way to go. The problems with consumerism are much more deeply embedded than I previously thought. I thought that giving up the rat race was a sure way to defeat my fear but, at the moment, it seems to have thrust me directly into the belly of the beast.

Let me give you an example. My depression, coupled with sick kids, a hectic month, and a tired wife have casued a lot of tension in our household lately. My only time of solitude is during lunch, so I snuck away and drove to catch my breath. I found my self pulling into a dozen different retailers looking for a fix...literally. For some reason, the first thing that came to my mind in crisis was, "buy something, it'll make you feel better." I resisted the urge, but the realization was terrifying.

Anyway, I have nothing pithy to say. I'm just trying to learn how to ride this bike. Hopefully, like my son, I will be able to saddle up and do it. He worked through the tears and nailed it on the next try. It's amazing what kids can teach you.